Finding a Lost Passion

I feel weird yeah? It's the good kind though. I am actually content. Everything is okay right now in my mind. I'm stable and calm. I'm happy. It's kind of weird. I see a stable future ahead of me for my sophomore year of college. Man, that's freaky. But I'm ready. I used to dread it, the restrictions it held and my lack of focus on the world. I didn't know who I was anymore. I left high school expecting college to finally be the wrecking ball that would destroy the wall preventing me from experiencing. It wasn't obviously. It just led to me losing myself and trying to find myself again. I went more into my Chris "Fuck it" mentality because that worked for me. People judged and I could just say fuck it. People didn't like me fuck them and it. I was doing badly or I was afraid to do something, fuck it. I'm still more or less there. But it'a different now. It's now a, fuck it I'm going to do this and rock their worlds. If they still hate me, well fuck them because they know their life was just changed. I'm still scared, but I have more adrenaline coursing through my veins. I know who I am now. I know my essence and no one can rock me anymore. I am rooted to the ground with such an intense connection between my core and my reality. You can question me all you want but I can answer your questions just as fast as you can throw them at me. I'm not ashamed of what I like or who I am anymore. I understand myself even more. My flaws and my strengths. I don't know when it happened but I know I realized it earlier today. I have been struggling with the last piece of my being for about the last month now. Everything else had been sorted in my mind except this last part. Did I really love music? Was it enough for me to consider a career in it? Was it enough to get me through my fears of being inadequate? It was the scariest piece of them all. It was the one that would determine my future. The one to determine my path. The one to determine what I was going to define myself as. You could imagine my trepidation. I didn't want to go through the depths of my mind and discover that I had been lying to myself and prove someone I loathe correct. I needed to have this question answered so I no longer was afraid. This would shape me. No matter if the question was yes or no, my future would be forever changed. If you've followed me long enough, you know I don't believe in fate and destiny and all that shit. No matter what label you put on it, I don't find it to be true. I believe that we shape our future. That we are all connected through our decisions. I sort of precise synchronized swimming event. Even the slightest movement would change the entirety of your route. Like a linear line on a plane. No matter how slight the slope, eventually it would meet a certain area. Every action has a reaction. Things I believe in that. So, this would determine my path. It was terrifying, but I finally let my trepidation go and I allowed my thoughts and my body experience music again. Remember that Passionless music post? That was teh beginning of my discovery. The beginning of my journey. It feels like I've made this decision in haste, but it's like love. Love in the sense that it was described in the way HyperFitched described it in her story "I Hold A Force I Can't Contain" The story is amazing and I'm reading the other half of it right now. But the first half was mind blowing. I spent two or three days going through it. It was 185k words. It took up my life. While I needed a break from the real world. The way she described love was so pure and beautiful. I don't think I could do it justice by simply describing it, but it's the best I can do. I recommend you read the story. Especially if you love the couple of Emily and Naomi from Skins, but that love isn't necessary to read the story. No prior knowledge is needed either. It just adds a larger love for the couple. Love in that story is intense and painful to those who are afraid. Those who are afraid to let it engulf your being. Love is such a huge wave of emotions that can't fully be experienced if you hide and sheild yourself from them. Because no matter what you do, they will just over ppower you and drag you to your eternal happiness. It's terrifying though, to allow yourself to feel it. It's explosive and dangerous and so intense. It's such an intensity that it will disintegrate all who stand in it's way including you if you don't stop being so afraid. Once you let go of your fear, you ride on top of that wave watching all your enemies disappear. It's such an experience that it's like you and your love are two burning suns just going at it until you both burst creating an enormous amount of energy. Love is all the good and light in the world all designed just to fit you and allow you to be the best you can be. I used to defend myself against invisible doubters. I used to defend myself against my mind. I used to tell it to fuck off and that of course I loved music. WHat kind of question was that. Of course I wanted it in the rest of my life. As if I would go through all the trouble of going through the process. I was scared off my mind. What if I fought for my right to be at college in a totally different state studying music and it turned out it really was just a silly dream of mine. A dream that was hollow on the inside. Just another act of rebellion. I couldn't face that in school when I was being questioned constantly. By myself and by my so called friends and my professors. I would not have been able to take it. I try and act all calm and collected and as if nothing ever actually affects me. But it all does. It all hurts and it is always in the recedes of my mind. That's why I usually end up blowing up and being so worried that things just go to shit. I usually had Gil on my side. He was my strength even though he didn't know it. But he is just so damn likable that he makes friends so easily and he was able to find a brilliant group of friends that he can be himself around and go batshit crazy. So, I couldn't go to him. Why worry him with problems thousands of miles away? I couldn't be that selfish. I had no rock anymore. I was left to try and be strong by myself. That never works. By the point I need a rock I am so gone that I'm just floating in an empty abyss. So there I was trying to find out if I still loved music. There was nothing holding me back. I had no expectations for myself I just needed the truth. I needed the truth so I could be strong. For the first time in my life I needed to be strong. I ended up sitting in my bed on my moms laptop listening to monstercat 007 and I closed my eyes and I just listened. I heard the depths of the music. I heard everything and I started conducting. I got into the music. I experienced the music. I let it flow through me. I experimented to see if it was just the song or the artist or if it was just good music that compelled me. I tried it with the one song that would prove it to me. Irish Tune from a County Derry. The most pure song I had ever had the privilege to play with a group and listen to. I felt free. I smiled but moved on with what I was doing originally. Then I went to take a shower and I was listening to them again and I started conducting and I enjoyed it I let it course through my veins, I let it wash me. I let the musics emotions flow through me. I felt the beat in my being and I experienced it. It was so freeing. I was doing what I loved. It was intense. I have my answer now and now I am essentially Elidee. I know who I am. I know my quirks. There is still so much to me left for me to discover. But I'm not afraid anymore. I'm ready for the world. I'm ready for that asshole Marshall to question my every move and judge my every decision. Because I am confident now. I'm not scared to do things. I'm excited to learn. I also figured out my last small question. Why I loathed Marshall as a teacher so much. I hated that he talked about this love for music and what he taught, but he never showed it. I never felt it. He was expecting me to show a love for a topic he, himself didn't show a love for. I didn't feel it. I didn't feel the passion. I know I love something because I feel it in my core, it radiates heat and power. I feel that when I hear others talk about things they love. Things they are passionate about. It bothered the fuck out of me to the point that I loathed him for basically lying. I knew he was, because I could feel the intensity when he talked and taught us something he was passionate about. I felt it in my core, co much so that it became my belief also, if not only for that moment. Even when he taught us about his own instrument (percussion) I didn't feel the fun. I felt like I was sitting in a lecture hall with 300 other kids listening to a professor that hated his life and his profession and loathed the subject he was babbling on and on about. I felt like he was a professor that could give less than a fuck about what he was saying. Sometimes he would have fun and get excited, but mostly he just acted like he was reading from a text book. It drives me insane. I know what it is now. And I have a semester to gain faith again. Faith that he maybe does still give a damn about the subject. He cares about the kids sure. But not the subject and to me that is all that matters. I've had plenty of teachers care about the kids but I wouldn't learn anything and their care didn't give me anything for my future. I don't give a fuck if he likes me, I've had an entire 7 years of my life where all my teachers loved my entire being. I don't need that love anymore. I'm a big kid now. I just need him to give me a reason to care about the subject and information that will help me in the future that is realistic and now from a text book. I need to know that I'm not wasting my time on a subject, I've spent enough of my life on useless things.