Life in General- As Always

School man! That's been a trip. It's a little rough, I feel like I never left really. Everything is so familiar but different at the same time. I have literally spent only sleeping time in my dorm. I take everything I need with me when I leave for class and I come back when my roommate is asleep. Except she is a fucking light sleeper. Like, extremely light. If I make a noise she is up. If she sees light, she's up. Which is why I spend my time in Herman. It's literally my home, I only go and sleep in my dorm. If I could avoid that too, I would. It's just not a comfortable time. I have my roommates schedules so I know when I can avoid her during the week. I have a feeling she is one of those that goes back to their dorm after every class though, so that kinda sucks. I wish I had my old floor. They were all cool, not some pretentious assholes. Seriously. I went back at 10pm and the entire floor was silent. We have quiet hours, but those start at 11. My roommate was asleep at 10. I can stay up until 5am with no trouble at all, like... I don't get it. I mean, my old floor had all athletes so they fell asleep early but our floor was still loud as fuck. My roommate was just like me though, and I LOVED that, she would stay up with me, we would smoke together and she didn't automatically hate me. Like, I mean, I haven't even done anything to her except live with her. I like the room. There is this girl Autumn Day, I don't think she has a roommate, I'm thinking maybe I could befriend her and I would be able to live with her, because she's already spoken to me and we've laughed, so I know she doesn't hate me. It's a good start. That's really all I need. And for her not fall asleep at ridiculously early hours. That too. I mean, honestly I just need a desk to be able to play on and a bed to sleep. I study and practice and entertain myself in other places. I just need to be able to relax in my room not be on edge. It sucks really. I've also had some insane urges to smoke before I get back to my dorm. Like, just sit somewhere and smoke. I would have done it yesterday but it was in teh 60s and I was wearing a tshirt and shorts. I might today. I don't want to, but I do. I'm just kind of really lonely. I spend my time in Herman. I talk to Ada, but it's not much just in passing, she has her boyfriend and her best friends and her choir buddies. I'm just her friend in passing and I'm there if all else fails her, because I am not the greatest company. Tar-, I have tried to replace out of my memory. I don't really want to have her company and my mind kind of just blocks out every words she says. It's bad in class when she's explaining things, but I've started to block her out. I don't need her awkward negativity in my life. I'd rather be alone and awkward with my roommate than have her company Kati- and Julian--, well, they are on Tara's side I'm assuming. They hang out every night from what I can tell. I don't really go over there, because that means I'd have to go to my room earlier than I'd ever want. It's just a bummer that things have worked out this way, but I'm trying to find more friends. Friends who are good, and love me for who I am and will be my rock when I need them to be and let me be their rock. A relationship like Gil and me had a couple of years ago. I mean, I'd still take a bullet for the guy. Way too much history for me to not still love him, I guess it's true that you'll always love them. It's weird. I talk to my Liz, my cousin a lot more now, just because I know she'll always love and accept me and be there when I need her. Her entire family is great. When her brother moved close to Houston, whenever he would drive down to the Valley to see his family for a weekend, he would offer my mom a ride and she would be able to go see the family she desperately misses. Her mom cosigned a loan for me this year, and Liz has always been my rock and my favorite cousin. I wasn't truly scared to come out to her. She accepted me just the same. She loved me and jokes around with me. That's what family's for I guess. I need a drink or a fag. Both would be fine with me right now. Fuck my classes tomorrow seriously. They suck. Brit Lit, Teacher to Leader, Studio, and Theory. I can live without those. On the bright side I can sleep in or I can wake up at the same time and have some me time before my class at 10 and she leaves at like 8:30-40 I'll do that. Have some me time, and TF2 time. It'll be GLORIOUS. I don't hate my roommate per say, I just don't like her attitude toward me. I need a fag.

fast typing

Okay, this has to be fast I only have a a few minutes of life left on my laptop, and I don't have any working outlets on my side of the room. I am at aschool, teh loans worked out and I am in my dorm getting ready for my 9a.m. tomorrow. My roommate has not spoken to me, I have said, hey. She's just given me the head nod taht she acknowledges my presence. We've been in the same room for over 2 hours now together, and we have not even acknowledged each other. My room placement is nice, except for the fact that I don't have working outlets, and I've already sent out a work order for it, so it's just a matter of time until they fix it. For now, I have to charge my laptop in Herman, which I'm fine with, as long as it isn't permanent. Also, my phone is the slowest hcarging thing when using my laptop as a power source, I mean jeez. I kind of want my roommate to fall asleep, so I can change and also, fall asleep. Just the way the room is arranged, our bed are next to eachother on opposite sides of the room, so the middle is only about 4ish 5 ish feet, and she can help but see me when I change, and that's just sort of awkward, especially since she is watching tv right ahead of her. It's awkward. If she falls asleep or turns off her desk light, I will have my chance. But, again, such a small space, I can't help but feel awkward, especially since it's already awkward between us. The whole not speaking thing... I'm so sorry about ypos guys but I got the 10% warning a few minutes ago saying I only had 18 minutes left. I actually have to pee, will I be judged if I leave with jeans off and come back with pajama pants. Oh BTW, my dorm building has A/C that is controlled by us! And my roommate likes it cold. Which I don't mind at all because I love it being cold, I just don't have a blanket, so shorts don't work with just sheets. I want to buy a comforter, but I have no ride to walmart. Oh shit, I just got the I will be turning off in T-minus some amout of minutes. Sorry, that's all you get out of me today. Oh, I am going to continue my fanfics as soon as I get my outlets to work.

Loans and Fanfiction

Phew! So my loan went through! I am going to be able to start school! I've never been so stressed out in my life. I was so tired all the time. I was so tense, My neck was so stiff and my shoulders were so knotted, it was insane. I mean, my shoulder muscles are still really stiff just because they haven't been able to relax in a week. Or at least since Monday. So, I'm leaving tomorrow at 8:15a.m. at least I'm supposed to. Hopefully it leaves on time. It's kind of surreal. I had my mindset ready for, I'm not going to be going to college this year, since I was having all these financial issues this past week, so it would hurt less if I believed it. So, now that I am going to college, I'm kind of not believing it, since I haven't actually thought about it. Wow, I'll be slightly heart broken to leave again. Especially since I'm on my period. And I get fucking emotional when I'm on my period now. Man, but on another note! I need to decide what to do to pass the time. I have a long transfer time and a long wait time for my ride from the airport. I need to start writing my fanfiction again, because I have new follows and favorites every week, and I just feel more and more guilty. I could do that. But I also like quiet when I write, and Chicago Midway Airport is anything but quiet. I've never been to the Columbus Airport, but we'll see what that's like. I don't know if I'll be able to write. In the event that I don't, I have to find games to play offline. Since all my games on this laptop are on Steam I have to figure out the trick to play them offline. But, idk what I'll play. I have Skyrim, but right now I'm grinding wood so I can have a huge chunk of change to buy a good horse, be able to pay off any fines if I am caught doing stealing or sneaking in and I don't want to get caught or kill them. Also, to be able to buy decent armor and weapons. Along with potions and magic. And to be able to buy skills. Since playing Oblivion 2 or 3 times in my life, I know what elements are in the basic game and I know what I want in a nutshell. I also want to make it easier for me, since it is about 15-25 times longer than Oblivion and a lot of that was just travelling and discovering by foot. I'm just not willing to spend a lot of time. All in all, Skyrim would be boring and not entertaining at the moment in an airport. Maybe I'll just Minecraft it up... I don't know, I mean I have the technic laincher too, an dI have a lot of work to do on that world, and I have a lot of building and mining to do in my regular world. Idk. We'll see. If all else fails I have my Kindle App, and I can just read.

My type? Wat?

Apparently I'm an ass person. I am so unbelievably turned on by a girl if they have a nice firm ass and it's a nice medium size. If I can grab on to it and am able to squeeze it, umf. If they are tan. Dear baby jesus some one help them. Because I will immediately picture them naked. If there is a girl with a firm ass, good curves, has a pretty face, and is tan. I am a goner. I mean, they can be white, but it's not the same. I'm still attracted, I'm just not head over heels drooling. e It's so weird knowing my type. But knowing me, I'll probably find my true love to be someone who is totally teh opposite. So weird. And if they have tattoo's and piercings. I'm done for. If it's tastefully done, of course. If it's tacky and ugly, I'm out. Instant turn off. That's soo typical for me to say, but hey. I like em that way. As long as they have at least a+ boobs I'm good. They have to be enough for me to feel and squeeze. Doesn't have to be a good squeeze, but just enough for it to be possible.

OTP frustration.

So, Pretty Little Liars. I'm frustrated. I just want to know who A is and be done with it. Like, they are not following the books at all, it is literally an alternate reality from the books. I just hope they keep the whole Emily getting pregnant thing out, because at this rate it'll probably be with Nate and that guy is just a creepy and not a good guy. He is an asshole with a God complex. He needs to go back where he came from. And Paige, wtf is up with that bitch. She is not going to be A, there will probably be a plot twist dealing with her, like she is obsessing over Emily that she wants to have her all for herself and seperate her from her friends and the world, but she isn't behind the A business. Spencer is plain pissing me off, her pretty face can only keep me off her case for so long. I mean, this whole, "the entire world is A, and we won't know for sure until we fuck up someone's life" That's getting plain old and annoying. And what happened to Lucas, that guy was shady and he just dropped off the face of the earth after Ezra was like... so... what's up? Toby has also fucked off along with Melissa, what is that shit. All while Aria is with her boyfriend and getting into business that isn't hers to be in. Spencer was trapped with a snake and Aria is off baking a cake, literally. Also, Ezra's brother and Aria, there is something that is going to happen there. I mean, why else was he introduced into the story line. Thta's not random shit. Also, Ceecee? What the fuck is up with that chick? I'm suspicious. But she would never be caught in black gloves and a shady hotel. I mean, come on, the girl couldn't live without those accessories. I've read the synopsis of the books and apparently Allison has a twin sister, as I made a wild guess at in the beginning of the season. I don't know what that's about, but we'll see. Since Emily did go bat shit crazy and see Ally last season and so did someone else, but god knows if I remember. I'm not too sure how they're going to get that one going. What about Jenna? Why are we so trusting of that bitch now? Warning Emily. She's not talking about Paige, because Paige is just a jealous chick who doesn't want people messing with her girl, like sleazy boys who think they can take the law into their own hands. Why anyone tells this guy anything is beyond me. I mean, the guys has alomst literally repeated the same thing he was told out loud in an angry manner everytime, or at least reacted to. I mean, seriously. What the fuck. Did you know, Aria was supposed to date Noel Kahn? Maybe he wasn't a sleazy dick in the books? I don't know, but that's creepy. I don't know. PPL is starting to piss me off, it needs to go somehwere and fast. In unrelated news, I am officially a complete and total Naomi and Emily fan. Like, no word can ever convince me that those two fictional characters we not meant for each other. Like, I unintentionally have so many of their encounters in the show memorized. Also, I have lines of theirs running through my mind, no matter how shitty they may be, they were just awesome in th series and I am a serious fangirl right now, so just ignore me. They way people write their love is just so fascinating and amazing. I mean, I am a huge fan of Cameron and Thirteen off of House, even if in the finale Cameron has a husband and child. They will forever be in my heart but Naomily is my OTP. I mean, come on. Naomi, like a fool, has been in love with Emily since she was 12 and then they kissed when they were 14 and then shit went down and they were brought together again at 16 in college. Now, even though Naomi became a sarcastic bitch who tried to keep everyone around her within a 10 meter radius from her and she become quite close with her politics closer due to the nature of his knowledge and that went balls up, Emily still got through every defense she had. And, Naomi let her. No matter how hard she fought it, she couldn't bring herself to do it all the way. Even when she was younger she let herself believe it was the drugs so she couldn't blame Emily for her woes because she could never hate Emily, and even thought Katie was a right bitch, Naomi could never hate Emily's sister and betray her like that. Even if she was a right cow. Emily stayed with Naomi through all the shit because she knew who Naomi really was, she knew what a good person she was. Naomi let her take her time in being herself. She didn't want to fuck up Emily's life so she took all the blame while half heartedly telling wankers that it wasn't her. So much so that Naomi fucked other guys as to not fuck with Emily's life, even if it was more for herself, part of it was protecting Emily. When Naomi finally let her guard clink a bit off she let herself feel what it would be like if they were truly together. No judgement from society or her mind. Seh let herself go into nature with Emily to see what it was like. Because waking up with Emily laying next to her a few mornings before just felt right and she needed to know. She needed to let herself know so she could finally get past it. Except she couldn't. What she felt at that lake with Emily was way more than physical. Emily got into her mind and was in her every pore, in her every thought, in her vision. She couldn't get out of there fast enough. She was suffocating and she wasn't ready. And she wouldn't be fro ages. I mean, I think I could write an entire term paper over their every interaction and their love. I mean, the ending speech itself would be a good page or two. Because, dear baby jesus that was an amazing speech. "Who wants to go first then?" Cue door opening. See Naomi. "I will." She says in a feeble voice, scared, terrified, it's her last chance. She faces Emily and looks at her red headed fireball looking at her with such anger and sadness while her sister stands a bit behind her but looking slightly relieved. "I've loved you since the first time I saw you, I think I was twelve" You can barely hear her speak, her voice is so constricted by the emotions she is experiecing. The past 5-6 years of emotion hitting her all at once, but some how giving her the will to keep going. "It took me three years to pluck up the courage to speak to you." She almost felt like sighing after letting that out, but she knew if she didn't anything but speak at that moment it would probably come out as a sob. "And I was so afraid of what I felt, you know, loving a girl-" She sounded like she was about to cry, but she had to keep going, she had to let Emily know. "-so, I learned how to become a sarcastic bitch to kind of feel normal." The tears were beginning to form in her eyes, the thought of not ever being abe to hold Emily starting to take a toll on her soul, how she spent all those years trying to fight the unstoppable force that was Emily Fitch. "I screwed guys to make it go away, but it didn't work." Because no one could ever beat you, no one ever will. "When we got together it scared the shit out of me, because you were the one person who could ruin my life." She couldn't hold in the tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes. The raw emotion she was experiencing was too much to handle but she would fight worse to try and get Emily back. "I pushed you away. I made you think things were your fault."But I'm just an asshole my love, you could never do anything wrong only I have. "But really I was just terrified of pain." If only I had known then... "I screwed that girl, Sophia, to kind of spite you for having that hold on me, and I'm a total fucking coward because I got these-" My hands were shaking so badly I could barely grab a hold of these stupid precious ticket. "-these tickets to Goa for us three months ago," I have to look at her she needs to know that it's true, she needs to see. "But I, I couldn't stand..." The sobs were wracking through my body at that point and nothing could stop them, not even God, my guilt was just washing over me once and twice over again. "I didn't want to be a slave to the way I feel about you, can you understand?" I don't care who is the room at this point it is just me and Emily, it will always just be me and Emily. "You were trying to punish me back and it's horrible. It's so horrible, because... I'd die for you." Every time. "I love you. I love you so much, and it's killing me." Please do something because I don't think I will survive any longer without knowing. And then, she kissed me. I could feel her shaking under me, I could taste the tears spilling from her eyes, but I could only barely contain my happiness as she conveyed every once of love she contained into that kiss. That kiss was a promise that things would be okay, that we were okay. That we were Naomi and Emily and nothing could and will never keep us apart. We spent the rest of the night living as free souls with our friends in Freddie's shack. Cook fucked off a little while before, probably off thinking or scoring some more grass. I couldn't be bothered really, as much as I loved the fucker, tonight was only about me and Emily. We laughed and drank and smiled the night through. Nothing could ruin this moment. Not even Katie's half disgusted, half delighted glances. As unsettling as it was.

So, I realized what one of the changes I made is. I have become more responsible. I'm more of an adult. I don't react emotionally anymore. I mean, if I'm on my period I will probably cry and get angry and stuffs. It is very weird. I feel older and more responsible. I'm way more confident in myself. I hold myself better and I react in a more professional way. it's really weird So, I sent in a loan application and I'm waiting for it to get approved. Crossing my fingers, if not I'm fucked, I'll have to pay 697 straight up. And when I get paid on Thursday, my last day at work, I'm only going to have maybe a max of 500. That's being generous with my paycheck. I don't think I can get anyone to give me 200 dollars. And even if I do I'll be fucked for school books and shit and I will still have to find a cosigner to pay the rest of it off because there is no way in hell that I can get another 700 dollars for the next payment. I'm really worried actually. I'm a bit fucked if shit goes tits up, or if it doesn't go through in time. I'm really just crossing my fingers.

Emotional Conscience

I just spent the last 6 hours reading a fanfiction that was ridiculously long. And half way through I realized that it wasn't a finished story. I couldn't let it go though, I was already hooked. Then I realized it was last updated late last month, so I thought I was fucked. As I started nearing the end I saw that the author was talking about there only being a few chapters left, so I thought the auhtor just forgot to make the story "completed". I start reading the last chapter and it is enormous. I regain my hopes and dreams that this story is actually completed. I am literally bawling my eyes out as I am finishing the story. I am helpless by the last paragraph and I can't stand it. And lo and behold. There is ONE, yes, ONE more chapter left. The author said 2 weeks max. It's been three. I am a bloody mess and the author only has ONE chapter left. The author said most of the last chapter was already written. I am so sad. I can't even be angry because I just want to cry. The entire story was a freaking roller coaster of feelings and the ending might as well killed me. I have become quite a sucker for romance and love and all that shit. Needless to say I think I have become a hopeless romantic. Holy fuck is it frustrating. That and now I am more accostummed to sayign things like "birds" and "arse" and "fanny" and "mate" and stuff like that. I also say bro a lot. It's a bit frustrating. But it's just what my mind has read over and over again that it is natural now. Kinda lame. I'm a lot more confident now. Legitimately confident, not just acting until I believe it, which I used to do a lot. I really feel like a baby in the sense that everything is new to me again and I need to learn how to do everything again, when it comes to emotions. I feel like a have a clean slate. Like, I get hot under the collar and I start sweating when I do something questionable. I've never done that. Ever. I would never have any obvious physical symptoms of lying or doing something questionable. I was always a convincing liar and I could steal things with out batting an eye. It's kind of frustrating, but I don't know if it's something I really want to get again. I don't knwo if I want that skill set readily available to me. It's a lesser of two evils moment. I just don't know which one would be the lesser evil in a non-literal sense, because obviously stealing and lying is frowned upon, but those skills sometimes are needed. I don't know. I haven't decided. I'll see when I start school. Like, If I do go with lying, I will go all out and get back to the skill level of like expert not master, but expert. I don't want to just be novice, because there's no point it's all or nothing. I'm just kind of scared. We'll see I guess, because it does get annoying, me and my stupid conscience.

Fucking Financial Ants

So ants have decided to invade my house. And they started in my room. And it wasn;t bad at first, and then all of a sudden they ambushed me. Now they have spread. They are constantly biting me and it sucks. It started getting bad when I found out that my mom did not qualify for the PLUS loan. So, I got an extra 4,000 in financial aid, but I needed about 7,500. I have been in contact with teh financial aid office and I tried contacting student account offices since they sent me an email telling me they will lock me out of teh school if I don't pay my bill. I am hoping I can up my federal loans to be able to cover the other 3340. I could technically do payments with my 2,000 work study. But I need teh extra money. I have been thinking about this for the past 3-4 days. I have felt sick to my stomach, I have cried a lot, I have almost thrown up, and I have almost cried at work. I may have cried while driving home when I found out I didn't get the PLUS loan and I needed 3,000 more. When my parents credit is in teh shitter. I am so distraught and it doesn't help that all teh offices I need to contact suck at communication. It hurts. I also need to contact campus police to get a ride from the airport. I am doing okay on money and I may actually be able to buy my books, but when I get to school I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to fix my schedule. Because I got that stupid c-. Then I have to tell Lindsey that I have absolutely no money for my flute. I am so fucked. So fucked. I may even go to the counseling services. I am not dealing well with actual emotions. I half miss not feeling everything. Because I don't know what actual feelings feel like anymore. It's like being sober your entire life and then all of a sudden becoming an alcoholic over night. I don't know if I'm feeling everything very strongly or it's just because it's been like 5 years since I last felt a full range of emotions. I can't even right now. I want to just go to school and have no issues. That probably will never happen. How about I win a huge lottery. Like I could do with like 500,000 for my education and help my parents. I just wish it could go back to the days when my family didn't have money problems. Back when we could actually buy things of luxury. Now we are barely scratching by and I need 3340 for school. I just can't right now. I am feeling such an intense sadness that my mind keeps trying to cope with it in the ways I used to deal with it. My thoughts have flashed to cutting, starving, crying all day long, moping, ignoring the problem completely and hope that things work out, and dying. But that's not who I am any more. I don't avoid problems. I've contacted all the offices, although I haven't been aggressive. It's progress though. I don't need to cut and I need to take action not just mope. I need to be responsible. This summer has done me very well for my mental state. I feel like after all this shit is taken care of I'll be able to take on teh world. I am determined to go to school and be the person who I really am. Not just some shell of a lost depressed soul. I will do well.

Dreams and Reality

Okay, A quick post before I go to bed because I have work tomorrow. One, I love this Laptop to freaking death. Two, I've been busy as hell. Three, Today was my first day of fun in a few days maybe even a week. Four, I sort of miss posting one here, because it gives me an excuse to use this awesome keyboard of awesome. Five. I've never been so happy to play video games again. Six, I think I had a dream where I got 200 FPS on Minecraft. Seven, I took a nap the other day after I got home from work, and I think I dreamt about meeting someone. Maybe. Or killing people. It's really a toss up. Eight, last night I dreamed about being in this decatholon of sorts which focuses primarily on physical abilities and basically you have to be first in order to survive. I've had hundreds of dreams about it. using different skills. I think it's my self conscience telling me what life skills and things I need to gain next. I don't remember my other dreams, I just know they existed in my conscience at some time. But, this dream, was about me getting to a certain obstacle that was about matching things and figuring out the riddle using these gruesome and disturbing photos and videos being projected in a large movie theater type thing. On two movie theater sized screens palced relatively next to eachother but being broadcast to two different section. So, I run down there with every intention on figuring them out and leaving before most of the crowd, because I got a late start and then a bad start, so I needed to catch up. I ended up sitting in a middleish row not knowing exactly what to do. But the the dream sort of shifted and I was listening to some douche talk, or at least I was supposed to. This chick sat down next to me. Someone, a girl I've only seen and spoken to once and it was only a quick comment. So, I think we started talking, and it quickly turned into flirting which quickly turned into seeing if she was interested which was a test of whether or not she would hold my hand and interlace her fingers with mine. She was a very touchy feely person so she was already touching my hand and such. And after a bit she did, and I knew I was in. So, quickly it ended up with her inviting me to some event I was already going to attend, but I didn;'t let her know that. Then she turned to talk to her parents who were engrossed in the speaker and missed the entire interaction. But, it turns out the event was going to be after I left for Ohio. And then the grin reality of, I'm living in two different states and there is no way I can develop a good relationship with me always moving and being unstable. Moral fo the story. My dreams confirmed my reality

Seriously Fucked Up Society

I have a few things to talk about today, but unfortunately I am extremely tired and about a few minutes away from falling asleep on my keyboard, so things are going to be a bit short on things I could go on for ages. So, I have a new laptop thanks to my friend Miguel. It's a bad ass laptop that I can't get enough of at the moment. Thank god I had the day off, because I've bee on it all day, even if most of it has been sorting out my random shit and getting it in an orderly fashion on this laptop. The speed is amazing and I really love the keyboard size. Perfect for my long fingers. All in all I love it. I'm not looking forward to working anymore. I'm so over it. I'm starting to get attached and I'm getting tired of the tedious activities. How someone could have such a monotonous life is a mystery to me. I get paid tomorrow though. Unfortunately I work all night. So no getting it into my account until Friday, if I feel like it, because teh bank is so out of my way and I don't feel comfortable depositing my check at a random ATM. Okay, this next part is going to be a speed write so I can get my thoughts out of my head and on th erecord, but I am not going to revise at all because I am way too sleepy but I refuse to forget what I'm thinking about right now. So, I'm finding it alot easier to say things like, wife and kids and talking about a future with a wife. Which is a huge steo for me in 2 ways. One, I've neever actually imagined my future with anyone, to have a future with anyone, or just a future, I would never envision things like that. It was all a black tunnel. Even now I don't have a dream future in my mind, I can just see that there is a future with me in it now. So, that's a huge step, two is the fact that I can actually imagine myself getting married to a women. We all have seen that I have been terrified of beinga lesbian and all the radical life altering things that would cause and stuff. Well, it hasn't been too huge, except the fact that I'm happier than I've been in 6ish years and I haven't imploded. So, I'm evolving as a person by not being a stupid idiot. Even though I had reasoning towards my feelings, even if it was stupid. Damn society shaping my every thought process, pisses me off. I don't know what obedience of the corpses doesn't bother others but it pisses me off beyond belief that I can't have a thought that isn't affected by the morals and rules laid out by society. We are literally being brainwashed and people seem to be A OKAY with it. Fucking idiots. I can't even imagine what a world might be like where we were all allowed to be ourselves and only shun things that cause harm to others. Man, what kind of awesome utopia would that be. Butm yeah. I find mysefl saying wife with ease now. I've never said it without ease. I always thought that I'd have to force it out, but it rolls of my tongue perfectly. My future wife. Man, is she going to be spoiled by my ridiculous antics. However, I see it in other people when I say it, that they are like... what... It's not a thought that they've had. Not a word they've processed being associated being with another woman. It's fascinating, and pisses me off that we are conditioned by our brainwashers, that way. Seriously how it doesn't bother you I don't know. Maybe you haevn't noticed, I mean, I only started noticing after I learned about real reasonings behind history throughout time and especially all the hidden truths about the US's creation and past. Then I started noticing political view points and how they were affected by their upbruinging their jobs, areas, etc. Then I realized that we have all been brainwashed to believe and think certain things, and if you think or act differently, you are immediately shunned. We live in a society that neglects those who are different and stifles those who can strive. Seriously.

Faraway Crazy

Man, so I really make absolutely no effort to speak to my friends. I am such a dick. I think about it a lot. Considering my work is really mind numbingly repetitive. I think about a lot of things. Nothing to intensive since I tend to speak about the things on my mind. It's probably why my social skills suck. My mind wanders on my stance in the world and what I believe and what I want in the world and how some people are dicks, and why they are dicks, what made them dicks, what people do. I try not to dwell on the personal lives of people, because working at blockbuster you get attached to certain customers. I know I have my favorites that I'm getting attached to. And if you haven't noticed, I don't like getting attached to people. It's my natural instinct now to not let people in. Whether it was because I didn't want the rejection after telling them I was gay, or because I knew I was flaky and I would never speak to them when I was living in a completely different state. Maybe Gil and Karen broke me for friendships. Maybe Kristine was the last strand. I don't know. I do know that I don't trust people. The closest I've come to actually making an actual friend that I am willing to let inside in Katie. And I love Katie's family to bits. Even if they are a bit on the conservative side of things. I mean, Julianne would have been a good candidate if it weren't for her being so closed off and innocent, and then getting a boyfriend. That put a stop to that. Adaline also a good candidate. I mean she knows me pretty well on a different level because we know each other in a way that not a lot of people can relate to, or maybe they choose not to, but we have a connection on a different level. I'm sure that if we had met under different circumstances we would have been close friends, but the stars were not aligned in that way. Anyways, other than destroying the spelling of my friend's name, I am determined that my sophomore year of college will be a shit ton better. I don't have unrealistic expectations anymore, I think they are a bit more grounded, and more importantly, I am willing to let myself know people. Cool people are hiding on campus, I just have to find them first. Also, I'm determined to not lie about being gay. I am determined to just go with the flow. Unlike when my coworker asked me if I was. I failed that test, but it was because I don't know if it's appropriate for the work place. I mean, I won't feel awkward. But others might. I know 2 of my coworkers will be okay with it, hell maybe even three, but the others are a toss up. I just need to keep a steady job and I'd rather stay ignorant about the stances on anything homosexual that my coworkers have. Otherwise I will have a rage inside of me every time I hear them speak. So, I discovered I have a shit ton of patience because my entire mindset at work is a happy place, if not I wouldn't get through the day. It helps that my mind is an internal iPod. I know, however, that my patience runs really thin when it comes to people making ignorant and misinformed comments about homosexuals and homosexual issues. Also, when it comes to the environment and hispanics, poor people, and any liberal position I stand on. Which is almost everything. I have a sense of humor and I find humor in jokes about things like that, but sometime it's all I can do to keep myself quiet. Which is why I have this blog, because people get tired of my political and liberal rants. I was about to say I don't do that a lot, but it would be a huge ass lie. It all probably makes no sense but the time I type it out, because either I'm thinking as I type and I type like a n00b so my mind's words get ahead of me before hand. Also, I tend to think about every single possibility and my mind can't wrap itself around every situation that flickers through my mind. Which is why I suck at Leadership. I immediately conjur up every single situation that a certain leadership style would fail. I do it non-stop really. It gets annoying. Especially since my life's goal is to figure out what went wrong in Goforth's leadership style. I really hate it sometimes. I do it with everything except math. Because that would literally drive me insane. The basic concepts drive me mad by themselves. OFF TOPIC. I have no idea as to why anyone would ever even look at these blog posts. I mean seriously. My last blog post was named, Beautiful Girls and Maracas. I feel that should put anyone reading this, off. I guess, it's interesting to read ramblings from someone who has an overactive and underactive imagination. Because, seriously... beautiful girls in a festival in a maracas band. And it wasn't like a few of them. This was like a 20+ person thing. I mean. Seriously. It was legit. Enough of my crazy ramblings that I never bother to revise. In all honesty I don't even know how I started this blog post.

Beautiful Girls and Maracas.

I think my voice is getting deeper. I mean, I, like almost everyone else on this planet, have a different inflection for every situation, even if it isn't intentional. Like, when I talk to people I'm comfortable with, I don't actually use my voice that much. I don't know if it's because I think that I don't need to fool them with fake inflections, or because I don't need to prove to them that what I'm saying is worth it, but I get growly when I speak to people I'm comfortable with, just having a casual conversation. Like... you know when you let your voice die off but you haven't finished your word of phrase yet but it's not worth it to pick up your voice's pitch, so you finish off your statement while sounding like you growled a bit? I do that a lot. I think it annoys some people, like they think I don't think the conversation is worth the energy. I just do it naturally. Or when I'm unwilling to do something but I'm forced to anyways. It happens. But, before I lost my voice, I had a nice lower register. Like, I could hit some nice tenor notes. But, after I lost my voice, my range decreased insanely and as I fought to get it back, it moved more up than it did down. So much so I went into soprano 2 land. And I was an Alto 2. Over the past year I've been trying to regain that range, because I've felt a bit inadequate as an Alto 2 not being able to get as low as some of them. But, since I started smoking a bit more often, I think I'm getting it back. I can sing songs all the way through now, that I haven;t been able to in a long time. And I mean, all the way as in I don't have to go up the octave on places because I can't hit those low notes. It's so satisfying feeling your entire chest cavity vibrate from hitting notes with such a broad sound waves. It's extremely satisfying. It's like holding a cat that is purring ferociously against your chest. It feels like that but instead of it going from the outside in, it goes from your inside to out. Sorry. I am probably making no sense right now. But, it feels amazing getting my low range back. Especially since it's the register I prefer to speak in. Though for work and loud situations I have to up my pitch a bit. Since low notes don't carry very far and get distorted quickly if not sent out at a loud and strong enough wave. Anyways!!! I had this dream last night that I just remembered! I woke up thinking about it. It was so weird. I don't know where the fuck I was, but it was a mix between a warehouse and school looking building with hallways and railings. I was in some city in Europe because the architecture was way too amazing and the atmosphere was way more amazing than anything the US has to offer. So I was just chilling against a wall with a buddy of mine who was kinda like Gil. We were just hanging talking and absorbing the peace inside the warehouse building on the second floor (it had an open center so you could see down to the first floor) Our bodies were facing the main double doors, but our eyes were closed and out heads were facing upwards as we leaned back against the wall. It was amazing and adventurouss like we were just waiting for something amazing and exciting to happen to us and we were just preparing ourselves for this adventure to come. And sure enough it happened. I think we knew there was going to be a festival that day, which is probably why we were spending that beautiful afternoon in the enpty warehouse building, instead of in some park in the sun. There was a stream of attractive women coming in the building with their flying ribbons and maracas and falshy uniforms that were kinda like liatards. I was smitten immidiately. And so was my friend. We charmed our way into staying and hanging out with them. I taught them a few things about maracas as I realized in my dream that I actually do have a bunch of information tucked into the back of my brain about things I learned in percussion methods. We had a fag or two and then they decided they wanted to go shopping and explore. So of course we went to Walmart or an equivalent to walmart, because we could mess around there and no one would catch us fucking shit up and running around. Probablly the only reeason we went with them is because they were so cool and liked us and thought we were charming, otherwise we would have never let ourselves be played around with and dressed up in ridiculous things. It was amazing fun though. We hung out, some of them flirted with me. I might have snogged one of them, I can't really remember. The dream itself was a whirlwind of events that were happening. I remember them having to leave and being unhappy about it and then me walking tgo my actual home and then one of them actually ending up at my home. Coming after me. But, I don't really remember the rest. It was a whirlwind and I waas just shocked that I was bold enough to flirt and charm my way into staying in what ended up being their maracas band hq for the day. Then having an amazing day. Mostly the beautiful girls and maracas part really distracted me. Hahahaha. Funnily enough, no one in my dream actually is part of my life. Maybe it's foreshadowing for some amazing adventures to come. Considering I really want to just adventure and have amazing and stupid experiences while I'm young. But, maracas man. My knowledge blew some of their minds.

Honey Badger Love.

So, as many of you know, I'm not really a romantic. I've never had a reason to believe in love. To me love was just functional. It wasn't really a feeling. Now, before I continue, don't freak out, I'm not in love. I don't even like anyone right now. So, this is not coming from someone who is drowning in the ecstasy of love. Love was just this thing that was part of life. Like being friends with people. Love was pain. And love was just being content with life. It was what made an equilibrium. As far as I was concerned you were living less than your potential if you weren't in love. I wasn't like other people who thought of it as blasting off to planet Saturn and disappearing romantically to the stars (calm down, it's just a metaphor. I know the consequences of leaving the safety of the earth's atmosphere) I used to think that love was experienced by everyone because everyone reached that equilibrium, and if they didn't it was just cruel of our creator. Hence another reason for not believing that we really had a creator because it's painfully obvious that not everyone gets to realize true love. Now... because of reading stories by a woman pen named Hyperfitched, I have a forever changed sense of what love is. I think I have become a hopeless romantic. I can't even be mad at her. I probably will be later. Now... I'm not lying when I say that my personality when it comes to my approach to life is the same as the fictional character of Naomi from Skins UK. I really hate to admit it, but I'm really cynical in my outlook of life. I'm sarcastic in my comments when I'm with people I'm comfortable with. Also, I'm almost 100% sure I would react the same way as she did. You know what, scratch that. I will most likely react the same way she did to love. Except I won't have the freak out about the prospect of being gay. I've already set sail to that ship. I'm just hoping the person I fall so unbearably in love with will be patient with me. Because I'm going to be a damn mess. I will be scared shitless if love really is falling fast and hard for someone and having all these feelings but then being reduced to nothing but quick simple short thoughts. That will scare me shitless. Feeling that much will scare me shitless. Feeling anything at all will probably scare me shitless. I've lived the past 5 to 6 years of my life feeling nothing but pain and barely unfer the equilibrium. My entire aging and developing as a person was shrouded by denial, anger, and such an intense sadness that it ruled my every thought. So, if the concept of "happy" scared me into another round of a stasis where I was in numb, and took me a few months to snap myself out of that. I'm really scared to see what feeling love will be like. That's just a disaster waiting to happen. Holy fuck... I'm genuinly scared now. I've never really thought about it that way. Shit... I'm scared. Well... Fuck.