Fucking Financial Ants

So ants have decided to invade my house. And they started in my room. And it wasn;t bad at first, and then all of a sudden they ambushed me. Now they have spread. They are constantly biting me and it sucks. It started getting bad when I found out that my mom did not qualify for the PLUS loan. So, I got an extra 4,000 in financial aid, but I needed about 7,500. I have been in contact with teh financial aid office and I tried contacting student account offices since they sent me an email telling me they will lock me out of teh school if I don't pay my bill. I am hoping I can up my federal loans to be able to cover the other 3340. I could technically do payments with my 2,000 work study. But I need teh extra money. I have been thinking about this for the past 3-4 days. I have felt sick to my stomach, I have cried a lot, I have almost thrown up, and I have almost cried at work. I may have cried while driving home when I found out I didn't get the PLUS loan and I needed 3,000 more. When my parents credit is in teh shitter. I am so distraught and it doesn't help that all teh offices I need to contact suck at communication. It hurts. I also need to contact campus police to get a ride from the airport. I am doing okay on money and I may actually be able to buy my books, but when I get to school I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to fix my schedule. Because I got that stupid c-. Then I have to tell Lindsey that I have absolutely no money for my flute. I am so fucked. So fucked. I may even go to the counseling services. I am not dealing well with actual emotions. I half miss not feeling everything. Because I don't know what actual feelings feel like anymore. It's like being sober your entire life and then all of a sudden becoming an alcoholic over night. I don't know if I'm feeling everything very strongly or it's just because it's been like 5 years since I last felt a full range of emotions. I can't even right now. I want to just go to school and have no issues. That probably will never happen. How about I win a huge lottery. Like I could do with like 500,000 for my education and help my parents. I just wish it could go back to the days when my family didn't have money problems. Back when we could actually buy things of luxury. Now we are barely scratching by and I need 3340 for school. I just can't right now. I am feeling such an intense sadness that my mind keeps trying to cope with it in the ways I used to deal with it. My thoughts have flashed to cutting, starving, crying all day long, moping, ignoring the problem completely and hope that things work out, and dying. But that's not who I am any more. I don't avoid problems. I've contacted all the offices, although I haven't been aggressive. It's progress though. I don't need to cut and I need to take action not just mope. I need to be responsible. This summer has done me very well for my mental state. I feel like after all this shit is taken care of I'll be able to take on teh world. I am determined to go to school and be the person who I really am. Not just some shell of a lost depressed soul. I will do well.