Whenever I think about coming out to my friends, my first emotion is fear of not so much their reaction but what they’ll think and I have no idea why. My initial thoughts are, how seriously are they going to take me? I’m bisexual and I know many negative thoughts pop into people minds when they hear that word. Then my mind goes to, I wish I were just a lesbian with no extra feelings towards boys.
In the end I still kind of wish I were a lesbian, but in the end, I don’t care. I feel what I feel and despite having a rough time in the lesbian community I don’t care. If you have a problem with it seriously just fuck you
I still haven’t told a lot of my friends, one because they don’t need to know really, it won’t effect their lives at all, but I still want to gauge our friendship for a bit longer before I say anything, for future reference. We have a mutual friend who is a lesbian, I know she knows. I mean I don’t really hide the fact I like girls, I’m just selective with my words.
Ugh, I kind of wish my gaydar existed. My lesbian friend broke it.
Moral of the story, thank you slutty cheater polygamist bisexuals who flaunt their relationship statuses for giving every other bisexual in the world a bad name. And thank you straight girls who pretend to be bisexual for screwing real bisexuals over and pissing off lesbians.
This makes my life that much more difficult but I’m willing to take the challenge because I just happen to love both men and women and my heart will go with who ever it decides to love.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Was eventful, kind of.
I woke up at 2a.m. so my parents could drive me 4 hours up to Waco, TX. Not such a big deal, except the car we went in always has some kind of issue. My parents though it was going to be the transmission that was going to fuck up. Little did they know, that the water was plotting against us. And we had some kind of leak of water and we ran out like 30 minutes away from Waco.
Small Interlude: People from Texas talk through time. We have no concept of miles between Point A and Point B. If you were to ask me how far away my school is from my house, I'd say 15 minutes, not 5 miles or something like that. So here from Waco, which is like 250 miles (give or take) in Texan terms is 4 hours.
And we burst a water pipe thing. So the next 30 minutes we were dropping water, thankfully my mother packed a gallon of water. So that gallon got us to the closest gas station.
Another small tidbit: I'm sure you understand Texas is a lot of country, literal fields and middle of no where town housing like 1,000 people. In reality, the span between major towns is like 30 minutes and the middle is horribly deserted and extremely nerve wracking breaking down in the middle of no where.
And we barely made it to Waco, we ate across the freeway next to Baylor U. (where I was going to audition) and made it to orientation (BARELY). I got my registration package with my nametag (the lady knew my name and my major. And it didn't say that anywhere on my folder) I was so happy, and then we were ushered to the most amazing speech I've heard from anyone other than my band directors. My audition was shit, in my opinion, I was so ashamed of it. But my life was made when the composition teacher came to try and hear my audition but missed me, but he talked to me outside the room and told me about everything.
It was great day, other than the fact the car is now fucked up.
I woke up at 2a.m. so my parents could drive me 4 hours up to Waco, TX. Not such a big deal, except the car we went in always has some kind of issue. My parents though it was going to be the transmission that was going to fuck up. Little did they know, that the water was plotting against us. And we had some kind of leak of water and we ran out like 30 minutes away from Waco.
Small Interlude: People from Texas talk through time. We have no concept of miles between Point A and Point B. If you were to ask me how far away my school is from my house, I'd say 15 minutes, not 5 miles or something like that. So here from Waco, which is like 250 miles (give or take) in Texan terms is 4 hours.
And we burst a water pipe thing. So the next 30 minutes we were dropping water, thankfully my mother packed a gallon of water. So that gallon got us to the closest gas station.
Another small tidbit: I'm sure you understand Texas is a lot of country, literal fields and middle of no where town housing like 1,000 people. In reality, the span between major towns is like 30 minutes and the middle is horribly deserted and extremely nerve wracking breaking down in the middle of no where.
And we barely made it to Waco, we ate across the freeway next to Baylor U. (where I was going to audition) and made it to orientation (BARELY). I got my registration package with my nametag (the lady knew my name and my major. And it didn't say that anywhere on my folder) I was so happy, and then we were ushered to the most amazing speech I've heard from anyone other than my band directors. My audition was shit, in my opinion, I was so ashamed of it. But my life was made when the composition teacher came to try and hear my audition but missed me, but he talked to me outside the room and told me about everything.
It was great day, other than the fact the car is now fucked up.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Woah Dream.
That was extremely odd! I woke up a few minutes ago, so if I have a bunch of typos I'm sorry, I'm just REALLY cold/shaking cold.
I had a weird dream. It switched between POV and thrid person shots. So it had a bunch of odd things, cartoon characters I saw on Tumblr I even had a trailer of one of their lives.
The weirdest part was that I had a 'Keeping You a Secret' type dream, if you don't know that book, it's actually a really good book.
It was me and my friend, Clarita, going out. Now, that may not be super weird for the outsider, but I haven't ever thought of her like that. So the pairing was weird, then she woke me up hours before I had to wake up, or we didn't go to bed idk, the timeline was jacked. She woke me up, we'll go with, before I fell asleep so we could hang out, we snuck around so my parents wouldn't wake up. We talked fooled around, and apparently we were in a newer relationship because she was telling me the difference between my innocence and her manner of doing things. Like she fooled around and played with blah blah, and kissed like blah blah, going to blah blah. And I was a make outer, and simple stuff, I was like... I guess. Almost like you're in charge of the dream. So we were fooling around, and I had a narrator or an inner monologue, who knows, but out of no where I heard that teh first hour of our 4 hours together was wasted on like preparing (idk), and we were on 2/4 and I'm assuming that went by fast. And right when things felt like they were getting hot, my mom knocked on my door (I''m assuming it was time to wake up) and Clarita hid and I talked to my mom, I thought I was busted teh way she was asking things, she hadn't it was something that I wasn't even doing, so I lied through my teeth, she bought it and let me go to change.
(THE REST OF THIS WILL BE IN SNIPETS BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL, I'M SORRY AHEAD OF TIME XD)
I had a weird dream. It switched between POV and thrid person shots. So it had a bunch of odd things, cartoon characters I saw on Tumblr I even had a trailer of one of their lives.
The weirdest part was that I had a 'Keeping You a Secret' type dream, if you don't know that book, it's actually a really good book.
It was me and my friend, Clarita, going out. Now, that may not be super weird for the outsider, but I haven't ever thought of her like that. So the pairing was weird, then she woke me up hours before I had to wake up, or we didn't go to bed idk, the timeline was jacked. She woke me up, we'll go with, before I fell asleep so we could hang out, we snuck around so my parents wouldn't wake up. We talked fooled around, and apparently we were in a newer relationship because she was telling me the difference between my innocence and her manner of doing things. Like she fooled around and played with blah blah, and kissed like blah blah, going to blah blah. And I was a make outer, and simple stuff, I was like... I guess. Almost like you're in charge of the dream. So we were fooling around, and I had a narrator or an inner monologue, who knows, but out of no where I heard that teh first hour of our 4 hours together was wasted on like preparing (idk), and we were on 2/4 and I'm assuming that went by fast. And right when things felt like they were getting hot, my mom knocked on my door (I''m assuming it was time to wake up) and Clarita hid and I talked to my mom, I thought I was busted teh way she was asking things, she hadn't it was something that I wasn't even doing, so I lied through my teeth, she bought it and let me go to change.
(THE REST OF THIS WILL BE IN SNIPETS BECAUSE I HAVE TO GO TO SCHOOL, I'M SORRY AHEAD OF TIME XD)
Monday, January 17, 2011
My Initial Thoughts
NOW, I remember what I was going to post earlier today before I had weirdness happen.
So I am so afraid that when I turn 18 I will go out and buy a carton of smokes and like it.
Now, you probably think because of the regualr reason, the "YOU ARE GOING TO GET LUNG CANCER AND DIE" Now I'm not stupid, though I do yell at people about that. Chances of that happening are slim, it will kill the people around you, but not teh smoker necessarily.
I don't want to like it because basically every single fucking day of my existence, my mother has smoked 2-5 fags a day. And it pisses me off beyond belief.
Earlier today, I was feeling pretty down, and I decided, FUCK IT, and I was planning on finishing off that bottle of wine in my hiding spot. But weirdness happened and I decided against it.
Now in my mind this is what rolled in my mind to deal with my sudden shot of long lasting unhappiness. I'm going to drink, I'm going to cut, I'm going to smoke, I'm going to do all three, I'll do two of them, I'll try and fall into the music and numb myself that way. [Note that a year from today sex would have also been in that list, either before drinking or after drinking. Depending what time last year it was]
That's not a rare thing to go through my mind when issues pop up. That usually happens, what scares me is that smoking is in there. I don't want to smoke particularly, but it is basically engraved in my mind that it makes you feel better. Just like cutting is and kind of drinking(that hasn't been proven to me yet) and drugs. So I have a plethora of things to choose from, but smoking is the scariest of them all, and I'm not 100% sure why.
Since the year started I began self analyzing a lot more. Like, why did I tell him I liked him all these years later, or why do I consider the above in that order and why can't I just automatically go to the non-dangerous one. I am really discovering things about myself, and I am scared, mainly because I hate admitting I don't know things or that I'm afraid of things. Both in my mind are signs of weakness and are huge neon signs for the voices to mock me and tell me how worthless I am, but I'm plowing through, determined to not let it affect me until I find the truth so maybe one day things will be way better!
So I am so afraid that when I turn 18 I will go out and buy a carton of smokes and like it.
Now, you probably think because of the regualr reason, the "YOU ARE GOING TO GET LUNG CANCER AND DIE" Now I'm not stupid, though I do yell at people about that. Chances of that happening are slim, it will kill the people around you, but not teh smoker necessarily.
I don't want to like it because basically every single fucking day of my existence, my mother has smoked 2-5 fags a day. And it pisses me off beyond belief.
Earlier today, I was feeling pretty down, and I decided, FUCK IT, and I was planning on finishing off that bottle of wine in my hiding spot. But weirdness happened and I decided against it.
Now in my mind this is what rolled in my mind to deal with my sudden shot of long lasting unhappiness. I'm going to drink, I'm going to cut, I'm going to smoke, I'm going to do all three, I'll do two of them, I'll try and fall into the music and numb myself that way. [Note that a year from today sex would have also been in that list, either before drinking or after drinking. Depending what time last year it was]
That's not a rare thing to go through my mind when issues pop up. That usually happens, what scares me is that smoking is in there. I don't want to smoke particularly, but it is basically engraved in my mind that it makes you feel better. Just like cutting is and kind of drinking(that hasn't been proven to me yet) and drugs. So I have a plethora of things to choose from, but smoking is the scariest of them all, and I'm not 100% sure why.
Since the year started I began self analyzing a lot more. Like, why did I tell him I liked him all these years later, or why do I consider the above in that order and why can't I just automatically go to the non-dangerous one. I am really discovering things about myself, and I am scared, mainly because I hate admitting I don't know things or that I'm afraid of things. Both in my mind are signs of weakness and are huge neon signs for the voices to mock me and tell me how worthless I am, but I'm plowing through, determined to not let it affect me until I find the truth so maybe one day things will be way better!
Interesting...
So wow... these past few months or so, I've been experiencing symptoms of what I associated with passing out and such.
That will tie into the story in a second. I just took a shower and I started experiencing those feelings and I half still am. I got on the computer like 10-20 minutes after I got out of the shower, when I started feeling a bit better. I looked it up to see if it had anything with me giving a double red cell donation, because it came more often after I gave blood.
I found absolutely nothing, except that I gave a double red blood cell donation. n the side I saw depression symptoms just for fun, to see if I was doing any better(which I'm not) and I was aggravated that they tied it in with having your period so I changed the page, to physical symptoms then I was about to close out of the page when I saw emotional symptoms and I was like... what the hell let's look at it.
I'm reading it all applies blah blah blah, but there was anxiety, and I was like, that doesn't apply. Then I realized I have no actual idea what the real definition is, I just tie it into panic attacks, which can be part of having anxiety but not the point. So I decided to google it to see what it was, so I could officially strike it out as the one symptom that does NOT apply to me.
Then I read through an article I found and read the symptoms. And I realize what I've been experiencing is anxiety. Now, I was in extreme denial, that was the ONE thing not wrong with me. So I denied it. Then I kept reading to see if it didn't apply to me, of course I found out my panic attack idea of anxiety was wrong and partially correct.
Anyways, I thought back to what was happening when all those symptoms were happening, and I realized I was either stressed beyond belief, overwhelmed, nervous, and, dare I say it, scared. I was experiencing an overwhelming negative emotion, and yes, I am not in COMPLETE denial, I'm still iffy, so I am going to research it some more, but I will be partially relieved if it is just anxiety, then I don't have to be scared about it being something more serious.
"I'm a random wind storm... shaky shaky! *Huge branch falls on car*" BEST CAR INSURANCE COMMERCIAL EVER!
That will tie into the story in a second. I just took a shower and I started experiencing those feelings and I half still am. I got on the computer like 10-20 minutes after I got out of the shower, when I started feeling a bit better. I looked it up to see if it had anything with me giving a double red cell donation, because it came more often after I gave blood.
I found absolutely nothing, except that I gave a double red blood cell donation. n the side I saw depression symptoms just for fun, to see if I was doing any better(which I'm not) and I was aggravated that they tied it in with having your period so I changed the page, to physical symptoms then I was about to close out of the page when I saw emotional symptoms and I was like... what the hell let's look at it.
I'm reading it all applies blah blah blah, but there was anxiety, and I was like, that doesn't apply. Then I realized I have no actual idea what the real definition is, I just tie it into panic attacks, which can be part of having anxiety but not the point. So I decided to google it to see what it was, so I could officially strike it out as the one symptom that does NOT apply to me.
Then I read through an article I found and read the symptoms. And I realize what I've been experiencing is anxiety. Now, I was in extreme denial, that was the ONE thing not wrong with me. So I denied it. Then I kept reading to see if it didn't apply to me, of course I found out my panic attack idea of anxiety was wrong and partially correct.
Anyways, I thought back to what was happening when all those symptoms were happening, and I realized I was either stressed beyond belief, overwhelmed, nervous, and, dare I say it, scared. I was experiencing an overwhelming negative emotion, and yes, I am not in COMPLETE denial, I'm still iffy, so I am going to research it some more, but I will be partially relieved if it is just anxiety, then I don't have to be scared about it being something more serious.
"I'm a random wind storm... shaky shaky! *Huge branch falls on car*" BEST CAR INSURANCE COMMERCIAL EVER!
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Last Night as I fell asleep
This is also yesterday, I just needed to sleep, but I wanted to comment on something that was a bit odd XD
I have to say, even though my day is ruined.
I do have to mention this. There is this girl in my section for region band. She sat next to me when we were auditioning. She seemed cool, I was just stressed, as was everyone..
So my 'dar is broken, but I can still pretend it works :D
I was getting the gay vibe from her. And I won't lie I was insanelt attracted to her these past few days, and was has kept me from killing myself and/or walking out on practice.
Her tone is super manly (in my musical mind) it is deep, tough, and has great contrasts (her vibrato was strong and unafraid, and was her playong, when she did something wrong she played loud and proud and then became embarrased. It was cute.
Again I was supr attreacted to her, but the topper was that, her school has everyone wear a suit.
So when she came in she had her huge tuxedo shirt on and a jacket way too big for her, her tie and pants. I was like... that looks suprisingly good on her, it's actually kind of sexy XD
And like, at the end of the day while in the middle of my concert I was sitting there counting my insanely long rests, and I was like... I wonder what would happen if I were to walk up to her today after the concert as she stands next to wall and I were to close in and kiss her. And then I had to shake those thoughts away, because I would have been so bad for me to not come in on time during our song.
Yeah.. It was so odd. I never really think about things like that, I blame myself for giving whole platelets or whatever yesterday and then working all day yesterday. I'm actually really ot of it
I have to say, even though my day is ruined.
I do have to mention this. There is this girl in my section for region band. She sat next to me when we were auditioning. She seemed cool, I was just stressed, as was everyone..
So my 'dar is broken, but I can still pretend it works :D
I was getting the gay vibe from her. And I won't lie I was insanelt attracted to her these past few days, and was has kept me from killing myself and/or walking out on practice.
Her tone is super manly (in my musical mind) it is deep, tough, and has great contrasts (her vibrato was strong and unafraid, and was her playong, when she did something wrong she played loud and proud and then became embarrased. It was cute.
Again I was supr attreacted to her, but the topper was that, her school has everyone wear a suit.
So when she came in she had her huge tuxedo shirt on and a jacket way too big for her, her tie and pants. I was like... that looks suprisingly good on her, it's actually kind of sexy XD
And like, at the end of the day while in the middle of my concert I was sitting there counting my insanely long rests, and I was like... I wonder what would happen if I were to walk up to her today after the concert as she stands next to wall and I were to close in and kiss her. And then I had to shake those thoughts away, because I would have been so bad for me to not come in on time during our song.
Yeah.. It was so odd. I never really think about things like that, I blame myself for giving whole platelets or whatever yesterday and then working all day yesterday. I'm actually really ot of it
Post, Feelings
So that last post was my 100th XD I didn't even realize it, or maybe it's closing in, I might have those unposted posts. Hmm... interesting.
NOTE TO SELF: Make some CD's XD
So here will be a post that had not been at all edited (except this one spot I read while I was typing it will be in parenthesis kind of like this) of my feelings right after, like while I'm in the car, my concert last night. It will be erratic, probably not make too much sense (like right now I'm super out of it), sorry about that. It just has to go out there, my emotions that is. I swear I'm not going to post anything about today because I am so absolutely out of it it's crazy.
Post feelings
What pisses me off the most is the fact that they just came to me up at the school. It's not like I worked my ass off to learn my music to go to region , go through an emotional struggle the entire time, then go make 14th chair out of 86 flutes . Get into wind symphony, spend 3 hours yesterday, and an entire day learning 5 concert pieces, hating life. To play a concert for 30-1 hour of music.
The number one reason I've hated myself, been depressed, been so unactive, youu know what? They are teh reason my life sucks. Every negative factor of my life can be traced to them.
I will NEVER become them!!! I will KILL myself before I come out like them. I will never opress my children and I would miss meeting the president and proving god is fake or real, to support my kids. I('ll tell them I) love them every day multiple times and mean it every single time. I will never hate them like mine hate me.
And that's today's update, not how the concert went, or how I felt during practice, the stories, or eating fun. It's about the bitter note it's ended on.
Quothe the Raven, 'Nevermore'
NOTE TO SELF: Make some CD's XD
So here will be a post that had not been at all edited (except this one spot I read while I was typing it will be in parenthesis kind of like this) of my feelings right after, like while I'm in the car, my concert last night. It will be erratic, probably not make too much sense (like right now I'm super out of it), sorry about that. It just has to go out there, my emotions that is. I swear I'm not going to post anything about today because I am so absolutely out of it it's crazy.
Post feelings
What pisses me off the most is the fact that they just came to me up at the school. It's not like I worked my ass off to learn my music to go to region , go through an emotional struggle the entire time, then go make 14th chair out of 86 flutes . Get into wind symphony, spend 3 hours yesterday, and an entire day learning 5 concert pieces, hating life. To play a concert for 30-1 hour of music.
The number one reason I've hated myself, been depressed, been so unactive, youu know what? They are teh reason my life sucks. Every negative factor of my life can be traced to them.
I will NEVER become them!!! I will KILL myself before I come out like them. I will never opress my children and I would miss meeting the president and proving god is fake or real, to support my kids. I('ll tell them I) love them every day multiple times and mean it every single time. I will never hate them like mine hate me.
And that's today's update, not how the concert went, or how I felt during practice, the stories, or eating fun. It's about the bitter note it's ended on.
Quothe the Raven, 'Nevermore'
Friday, January 14, 2011
A post for a trooper.
I decided to make this a post on my page so I wouldn't have an annoyingly long comment on your page. I mean every word on this comment/post and I hope it will help you :)
I have always had similar feelings to what you feel towards your friends. I always tell them something serious but I tack on something at the end to lighten the mood just to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal, and when they didn't believe that everything was okay I went out of my way to make them believe it was okay to a point where they don't want to push the matter anymore. I'm having trouble not doing it now actually. But this new year I realized what it was to be in a good place. It's an odd feeling I have to admit. My point in all of this? Just talk to them and stop yourself from saying anything to kill the serious mood. They will be more than willing to listen. Your good friends will listen to you and want to understand what you're going through and will help you. I learned this after an excruciatingly long time of pushing everyone away and not letting them help me.
As for your parents, you are a great person, granted I don't know you personally but one can just tell when they are near a good person, and you are. I used to convince myself I was to messed up to be a good person, therefore I didn't deserve to be happy, I hope you don't think such nonsense like I did. You do deserve to be happy, your friends will not do anything drastic if you reach out to them. There's no need to be scared of how they will react, because your real friend will love you no matter what and the rest aren't worth it.
Just talk to them with your head held up high, you are getting help, you are helping hundreds if not thousands of people via youtube, and tell them you need them. Your friends won't think of you as a burden and they may even feel better because they will know why you are always so down and they will be happy to know they can help, I know I would if my friends told me what was wrong rather then keeping it in.
You will feel so much better. It's jut one step, one extremely hard step but everything is much easier after that, well it'll feel better. Just take a deep breath in and exhale and tell them. Or you could do what I did. I had the urge to tell my friend something I've been keeping from him for years and I wrote and then I just said it with out thinking, it's something that I thought of for ages and I would have never had the nerve to do it if I thought about it, so I just blurted it out, out of the blue. He appreciated and now we are closer because of it.
You are a strong woman and you can do what ever you damn well please despite what your mind may tell you. You are smart and good person, you go for it and it'll all work itself out.
I believe in you 100% and if you can't do it, it's okay. Another day is another opportunity to do it. As long as you know you will do it one day whether it be today or in a month, it'll happen.
This has officially been the longest comment I've ever left anyone and I am so sorry for rambling on, I hope this helps you out in someway. Even though it is days late. :)
I have always had similar feelings to what you feel towards your friends. I always tell them something serious but I tack on something at the end to lighten the mood just to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal, and when they didn't believe that everything was okay I went out of my way to make them believe it was okay to a point where they don't want to push the matter anymore. I'm having trouble not doing it now actually. But this new year I realized what it was to be in a good place. It's an odd feeling I have to admit. My point in all of this? Just talk to them and stop yourself from saying anything to kill the serious mood. They will be more than willing to listen. Your good friends will listen to you and want to understand what you're going through and will help you. I learned this after an excruciatingly long time of pushing everyone away and not letting them help me.
As for your parents, you are a great person, granted I don't know you personally but one can just tell when they are near a good person, and you are. I used to convince myself I was to messed up to be a good person, therefore I didn't deserve to be happy, I hope you don't think such nonsense like I did. You do deserve to be happy, your friends will not do anything drastic if you reach out to them. There's no need to be scared of how they will react, because your real friend will love you no matter what and the rest aren't worth it.
Just talk to them with your head held up high, you are getting help, you are helping hundreds if not thousands of people via youtube, and tell them you need them. Your friends won't think of you as a burden and they may even feel better because they will know why you are always so down and they will be happy to know they can help, I know I would if my friends told me what was wrong rather then keeping it in.
You will feel so much better. It's jut one step, one extremely hard step but everything is much easier after that, well it'll feel better. Just take a deep breath in and exhale and tell them. Or you could do what I did. I had the urge to tell my friend something I've been keeping from him for years and I wrote and then I just said it with out thinking, it's something that I thought of for ages and I would have never had the nerve to do it if I thought about it, so I just blurted it out, out of the blue. He appreciated and now we are closer because of it.
You are a strong woman and you can do what ever you damn well please despite what your mind may tell you. You are smart and good person, you go for it and it'll all work itself out.
I believe in you 100% and if you can't do it, it's okay. Another day is another opportunity to do it. As long as you know you will do it one day whether it be today or in a month, it'll happen.
This has officially been the longest comment I've ever left anyone and I am so sorry for rambling on, I hope this helps you out in someway. Even though it is days late. :)
Saving lives! 3 at a time!
So today, I didn't feel bad, or uncomfortable really. I was just so conscience of these very prominent scars of my left arm. Let me explain about 2 or so months ago, I was in a bad place and I cute several times around the same area on my left arm. Now, it doesn't help that they are lengthy and on my upper forearm. So, when I turn my arm palm up, it's beyond visible.
Now, today I gave blood. My cuts have long been healed, but my skin is super dark tanned, so any cut on my skin goes to my original color of very light. So it is super prominent. Even though they weren't that bad, so anyways.
I was doing the survey thing, and the lady asked me to show her my arms. And I was like, great. I just feel people will preconceive me, and that's bothersome. So I went around without a jacket and I freely used mars, but whenever a doctor had to check my arms, I felt weird. Like, so what do you think about me now? The world is fucked up, I know.
It was severely weird. Especially since I was such a closed off person, I never tell anyone anything. So yeah. It was odd.
I had region, it sucks, it'll suck. tomorrow from me waking up at 5 a.m. to shower then getting to school at 7:15 starting the clinic at 8 and then the concert at 5 p.m. the same day. On not 3 not 4. SIX pieces of long music, it'll be gay.
My life is boring giving whole blood platelets is a trip XD
Now, today I gave blood. My cuts have long been healed, but my skin is super dark tanned, so any cut on my skin goes to my original color of very light. So it is super prominent. Even though they weren't that bad, so anyways.
I was doing the survey thing, and the lady asked me to show her my arms. And I was like, great. I just feel people will preconceive me, and that's bothersome. So I went around without a jacket and I freely used mars, but whenever a doctor had to check my arms, I felt weird. Like, so what do you think about me now? The world is fucked up, I know.
It was severely weird. Especially since I was such a closed off person, I never tell anyone anything. So yeah. It was odd.
I had region, it sucks, it'll suck. tomorrow from me waking up at 5 a.m. to shower then getting to school at 7:15 starting the clinic at 8 and then the concert at 5 p.m. the same day. On not 3 not 4. SIX pieces of long music, it'll be gay.
My life is boring giving whole blood platelets is a trip XD
Thursday, January 13, 2011
A few thoughts, okay a lot of thoughts!
Today has been a shit day, just in general. I mean, it started off great, like every other day since school started, me being pissed off at waking up so early. BUt I knew something was wrong when I realized that I slept a good night's sleep (10p.m.-5:30 a.m. you do the math) and I was still tired(which proves my theory that I need only 3-5 hours of sleep because if I sleep more or less than that I'll feel worse than if I slept 3-5 hours). I was in a not good mood this morning I could tell right away because I didn't want to do anything. Of course this all has to do with not passing my online english class, which you will note later.
Class was okay, I enjoyed Calculus(as always), Government was okay too, and that's when my day went down the drain. I was called to the counselors office and I was-
Hey, I should probably tell you how my new year has been going.
I can honestly say I've been happy for the year. I really and truly have been, not to say everything has been peachy. I always assumed that happiness lead to having nothing wrong with you or having issues. It's a misconception in my mind that was keeping me down.
My little stupid voice would tell me I didn't deserve to be happy, you are too fucked up to be. It would name everything wrong I've ever done with my life. Naturally after you've heard this voice go from YELLING at you telling you, you are a fuck up and nothing good will ever happen to you because you haven't done anything to make up for all the fucked up things you've done. To just speaking to you, telling you exactly why you are a fuck up and why you should keep being self destructive because there's no way out of the hole you've dug yourself, so maybe if you dig far enough you'll hit happiness. Then to just whispering in your ear whenever you wanted to get help, when you wanted to be happy, you wanted someone to care and get you out, that no one can save you, no one will want to help you because you aren't worth anything and you deserve everything happening to you. When that happens to you during the course of 5 years you can't believe anything else, you are so brainwashed that there is just no way out of depression and self destruction.
But then when I failed I had enough happiness around me, enough openness, enough vulnerability, that when that stress was gone I was able to enjoy everything around me. And I learned and am learning what happiness is again.
I was dead, and I feel alive again. I'm ready to live my life. Unfortunately just because I've been happy does not mean my depression is totally gone, or that I don't have ED ideas or my plans for the future. But I'm hoping I will be able to live a better life this way and help myself get better.
I'm so amazed honestly at how much I've grown over the past not even 2 weeks.
But that doesn't stop me from being pissed off. I've put failing in the back of my mind because I am in such a fragile state that I'm afraid I'll revert back to my hopeless feeling of loss.
My counselor is nice but treated me like common trash in her idiotic fake happy face. I broke it with my mind tricks, I just didn't push it I still need her. She was pissing me off I had to do something, I can play fake happiness and make you feel like crap game too bitch, I'm a fucking pro.
So I have to take night classes at our accelerated learning center, basically credit recovery. It's totally gay and pisses me off which is what murdered my mood, which wasn't great to begin with. Then I had choir which I didn't really let out steam, I haven't yet. Then stupid english, the teacher wasn't there it was book work, mmind numbing honestly.It really pissed me off. :)
And then band was boring I played almost none at all and it was a bad tone day, it really doesn't help that the person next to me has an extremely airy tone and very uncertain of things because of her tone. It pisses me off, it screws me up, I think I sound like shit, I think I'm playing things that sound bad, and it makes my section sound bad which may actually be the most aggravating part.
Then theory where I was not in a great mood along with choir rehearsal, my mood could have been way better.
And then my mom just ULTIMATELY pissed me off. I was in such a pissy mood. Honestly, I was so fucking pissed and I understand why she said what she said but it didn't stop me from being so fucking pissed off.
I have just had a shit day.
On the bright side tomorrow I give blood :D and then I'll have hang out time with my budday, and have region band practice. Then home, shower, knock out, wake up early and have a full day of rehearsal, some lunch, then our concert. Should be a fun weekend!
ALSO, I'm planning of going to college for 4 years, before my graduate school probably, and then join the Peace Corps.
Okay, so before you are all like, why would she do something stupid like that with her life.
Well, dear reader, I have always wanted to help the world, but I've been too poor to donate or travel some where to help myself, or to do things like volunteer in my community, mostly that one because I'm a huge rugged individualism type of person.
And this way, I might learn to love my country more, gain a certain patience I haven't had to learn, live out my rugged individualism ideas, learn the value of living on my own and working hard. I would go straight out of high school, but I'm looking forward to learn music and then I might be influenced by my experiences, I'm not a fan of writing like I am now, but rather describe things with sound and feeling. Because music for me is a feeling and a way of your state of mind being spoken. It is your conscience your sub conscience your thoughts your emotions your life being described. That's what music is to me, and that is why I am learning to fall in love with it and love every note and learn the theory of music and learn basics and things that I will be able to apply to what I hear in my mind.
I'm a plain nutter, I know, but you know my mind isn't that screwy.
I want to help the world, help people, but I need to grow up. I'm 17, and yes I am nearing the first fifth of my life (1/5=20%) and I have only lived so much. I'm still naive, I know that.
So if people could stop telling me that I'm sheltered, I would greatly appreciate it, I'm not stupid, I just haven't experienced the world.
I'm waiting to live.
Class was okay, I enjoyed Calculus(as always), Government was okay too, and that's when my day went down the drain. I was called to the counselors office and I was-
Hey, I should probably tell you how my new year has been going.
I can honestly say I've been happy for the year. I really and truly have been, not to say everything has been peachy. I always assumed that happiness lead to having nothing wrong with you or having issues. It's a misconception in my mind that was keeping me down.
My little stupid voice would tell me I didn't deserve to be happy, you are too fucked up to be. It would name everything wrong I've ever done with my life. Naturally after you've heard this voice go from YELLING at you telling you, you are a fuck up and nothing good will ever happen to you because you haven't done anything to make up for all the fucked up things you've done. To just speaking to you, telling you exactly why you are a fuck up and why you should keep being self destructive because there's no way out of the hole you've dug yourself, so maybe if you dig far enough you'll hit happiness. Then to just whispering in your ear whenever you wanted to get help, when you wanted to be happy, you wanted someone to care and get you out, that no one can save you, no one will want to help you because you aren't worth anything and you deserve everything happening to you. When that happens to you during the course of 5 years you can't believe anything else, you are so brainwashed that there is just no way out of depression and self destruction.
But then when I failed I had enough happiness around me, enough openness, enough vulnerability, that when that stress was gone I was able to enjoy everything around me. And I learned and am learning what happiness is again.
I was dead, and I feel alive again. I'm ready to live my life. Unfortunately just because I've been happy does not mean my depression is totally gone, or that I don't have ED ideas or my plans for the future. But I'm hoping I will be able to live a better life this way and help myself get better.
I'm so amazed honestly at how much I've grown over the past not even 2 weeks.
But that doesn't stop me from being pissed off. I've put failing in the back of my mind because I am in such a fragile state that I'm afraid I'll revert back to my hopeless feeling of loss.
My counselor is nice but treated me like common trash in her idiotic fake happy face. I broke it with my mind tricks, I just didn't push it I still need her. She was pissing me off I had to do something, I can play fake happiness and make you feel like crap game too bitch, I'm a fucking pro.
So I have to take night classes at our accelerated learning center, basically credit recovery. It's totally gay and pisses me off which is what murdered my mood, which wasn't great to begin with. Then I had choir which I didn't really let out steam, I haven't yet. Then stupid english, the teacher wasn't there it was book work, mmind numbing honestly.It really pissed me off. :)
And then band was boring I played almost none at all and it was a bad tone day, it really doesn't help that the person next to me has an extremely airy tone and very uncertain of things because of her tone. It pisses me off, it screws me up, I think I sound like shit, I think I'm playing things that sound bad, and it makes my section sound bad which may actually be the most aggravating part.
Then theory where I was not in a great mood along with choir rehearsal, my mood could have been way better.
And then my mom just ULTIMATELY pissed me off. I was in such a pissy mood. Honestly, I was so fucking pissed and I understand why she said what she said but it didn't stop me from being so fucking pissed off.
I have just had a shit day.
On the bright side tomorrow I give blood :D and then I'll have hang out time with my budday, and have region band practice. Then home, shower, knock out, wake up early and have a full day of rehearsal, some lunch, then our concert. Should be a fun weekend!
ALSO, I'm planning of going to college for 4 years, before my graduate school probably, and then join the Peace Corps.
Okay, so before you are all like, why would she do something stupid like that with her life.
Well, dear reader, I have always wanted to help the world, but I've been too poor to donate or travel some where to help myself, or to do things like volunteer in my community, mostly that one because I'm a huge rugged individualism type of person.
And this way, I might learn to love my country more, gain a certain patience I haven't had to learn, live out my rugged individualism ideas, learn the value of living on my own and working hard. I would go straight out of high school, but I'm looking forward to learn music and then I might be influenced by my experiences, I'm not a fan of writing like I am now, but rather describe things with sound and feeling. Because music for me is a feeling and a way of your state of mind being spoken. It is your conscience your sub conscience your thoughts your emotions your life being described. That's what music is to me, and that is why I am learning to fall in love with it and love every note and learn the theory of music and learn basics and things that I will be able to apply to what I hear in my mind.
I'm a plain nutter, I know, but you know my mind isn't that screwy.
I want to help the world, help people, but I need to grow up. I'm 17, and yes I am nearing the first fifth of my life (1/5=20%) and I have only lived so much. I'm still naive, I know that.
So if people could stop telling me that I'm sheltered, I would greatly appreciate it, I'm not stupid, I just haven't experienced the world.
I'm waiting to live.
Monday, January 10, 2011
So here I am. Trying to decide whether or not I want to write this email to my future music composition teacher. I have been in a slump really when it comes to hearing music. After I supressed it, I have had a hard time hearing the music again.
Fro christmas I wanted August Rush because it is one of my all time fav. movies. So I watched it yesterday, and finished it today. I fucking love that movie, yeah it's so impossible but the music in that movie is amazing and it's nspirinng that this boy views music with that music love.
So half way through the movie last night I had to go to bed. Before I fell asleep I started thinking about why I liked music to make me want to do it with my life. And then I thought about it and I know why, and I know why I want to learn how to write it all down. And I thought of a great example!
You know when you're singing your favorite song and you just sing a certain set of lyrics and a certain voice of the song because you can only do one at a time, but in your head you're hearing the rest of the song go with you, but the only thing everyone else can hear is that certain voice and those certain lyrics. Or when you're beating your pencil against a table or desk along with a song in your head and someone looks at you funny because they aren't hearing that same song. Yeah, that's my head except I don't sing it or beat it. I can hear the entire song, every note, every voice and everything. But I can't let everyone else hear it. It's insanely frustrating. All I do is hear and hear being unable to share it. It's so infuriatingly frustrating.
It's like, WELL GOD IF YOU FUCKING EXIST WHY WOULD ALLOW ME TO HEAR THIS MUSIC AND BE UNABLE TO SHARE IT WITH THIS WORLD?!
It sucks. I hate it sometimes not being able to share it.
Where does it come from? I don't know, it starts out with a simple rhythm and a feeling, an emotion be it. Then I add another voice, sometimes all of them at once, with out my consent of course. And depending on what I heard I go either to bass or soprano voices, depending what I started with. I need to find a way to know what these notes instantly. I need perfect pitch because I hear the entire symphony all at fucking once. I need to learn how to write it down immediately.
Ugh, I'd write more but I'm a bit frustrated.
Fro christmas I wanted August Rush because it is one of my all time fav. movies. So I watched it yesterday, and finished it today. I fucking love that movie, yeah it's so impossible but the music in that movie is amazing and it's nspirinng that this boy views music with that music love.
So half way through the movie last night I had to go to bed. Before I fell asleep I started thinking about why I liked music to make me want to do it with my life. And then I thought about it and I know why, and I know why I want to learn how to write it all down. And I thought of a great example!
You know when you're singing your favorite song and you just sing a certain set of lyrics and a certain voice of the song because you can only do one at a time, but in your head you're hearing the rest of the song go with you, but the only thing everyone else can hear is that certain voice and those certain lyrics. Or when you're beating your pencil against a table or desk along with a song in your head and someone looks at you funny because they aren't hearing that same song. Yeah, that's my head except I don't sing it or beat it. I can hear the entire song, every note, every voice and everything. But I can't let everyone else hear it. It's insanely frustrating. All I do is hear and hear being unable to share it. It's so infuriatingly frustrating.
It's like, WELL GOD IF YOU FUCKING EXIST WHY WOULD ALLOW ME TO HEAR THIS MUSIC AND BE UNABLE TO SHARE IT WITH THIS WORLD?!
It sucks. I hate it sometimes not being able to share it.
Where does it come from? I don't know, it starts out with a simple rhythm and a feeling, an emotion be it. Then I add another voice, sometimes all of them at once, with out my consent of course. And depending on what I heard I go either to bass or soprano voices, depending what I started with. I need to find a way to know what these notes instantly. I need perfect pitch because I hear the entire symphony all at fucking once. I need to learn how to write it down immediately.
Ugh, I'd write more but I'm a bit frustrated.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Some day in January I think
New Year new me bitches! lol
So I have recently found Tumblr (the good stuff) and it's epic. I fucking love it, such a bitchin' atmosphere. And I found it like the week before my online english class ended, so basically when I was so fucking screwed I could cut the tension in my body with a fucking knife! Stress fucking galore aye? So I found the popular lesbian society. And I fucking swear everyone fucking love kittens they are you so FUCKING ADORABLE! I would reblog on here, but I'm getting my documents and pictures in sorts.
Anyways, I'm so fucking stress free, I'm tired as shit and a whole bounty of feelings, but fuck, I mean what the fuck am I supposed to do aye? I'm just livin life how I want so everyone who has an issue that can fuck off. My speech is a bit odd, I just started watching Skins and they voice in my head is speaking in british that non posh shit. So my minds in all kinds of sorts right now.
So my motto for the rest of my life? Why not? It's like a philosophy class! Hahaha.
My life at the moment, I told my best friend there that I just to be infatuated with him for a good chunk of the time I knew him, that was fun, I'm sure that boosted his ego to about a million. ANYWAYS, I'm still loving that chick I've liked for ages now, it's honestly ridiculous I honestly hate it, I say move on, but my minds all acting stupid and shit. I'm texting an old friend/ex of mine, and I've suspected foul play from the beginning but he's a friend so what ev, but I got an odd text and I can't make heads or tails of it.
He asked what I did during my off period I told him, trying to suggest I am a bit busy and shit, but he replied with exact quote and shit "Wanna hang with me for thirty minutes tomorrow? Fool around or something" So, I'm like... hm... he has made no sexual advances towards me in the past 3 years, oh wait that's a fucking lie. Point is I've never done shit with him, I was a fucking tease the entire time we were together, ah back in my I'm an idiot days. So I can take it as, hey he wants to do some sexual shit like he always used to back in the day OR he could mean hang out and shit. I would usually know what shit was going down, BUT I have been influenced by people who aren't my shit fucked friends, but more by some laid back bitches on Tumblr or Skins or Youtube, stuff from people just trying to live life all natural and shit with the fucking flow. So my perception is shit.
Now, I don't want to do shit with him. It's not my game, plus I know his girlfriend, oh yes boys and girls you heard right GIRLFRIEND, I have her 1st, so it's like... I wonder if she knows I'm talking to her gf.
BTW, this guy is one of the main reason I decided to say fuck to my regular exercise and taking nice care of myself, because I didn't want dirt bags like him around me. Oh yes, I had a full on break down after 9th grade, ah mental instability some crazy shit goes down.
Anyways, I'm assuming he wants to hang out nothing sexual at all. But can't help but be nervous ya know? I mean, THAT would be awkward. Anyways.
Oh, and I just started my period, which is shit, but explains why I felt super exta fat today. I was like, I don't usually look like this wtf? And sure enough I bloated like a walrus. I hate water weight, tomorrow is going to be some major exercise to get rid of it, plus I need to get back to my super old routine, which will be way fucking easier when I'm in college and a straight up veggie chick.
So my life as been meaningless, I can't really hang with friends because I have my stupid bus to catch. I would skip class, but honestly I only have 4 ish. I have calculus, gov/eco, choir and theory (same teacher), and band. So I mean, I would never fucking miss my first 2, it'd be pointless to skip choir because I have theory which I wouldn't miss, and band, I hang out in the band hall all day, there is no point in my skipping it, and my off periods no one has off with me, that I would care much for.
I'm confused as shit, I'm a bit moody, I'm bloated as fuck and I want to do some fun shit. Fuck, ANYWAYS. Let's see what the year brings. Cause I'm going to fuck up some shit with some friends. And not my lame ass friends.
I do apologize for like the five fucking million 'fucks' I used in this post, it's my rebellious side coming out. Oh yes ;)
I'll update you tomorrow to see what the fuck that guy was talking about
Peace out homies XD
So I have recently found Tumblr (the good stuff) and it's epic. I fucking love it, such a bitchin' atmosphere. And I found it like the week before my online english class ended, so basically when I was so fucking screwed I could cut the tension in my body with a fucking knife! Stress fucking galore aye? So I found the popular lesbian society. And I fucking swear everyone fucking love kittens they are you so FUCKING ADORABLE! I would reblog on here, but I'm getting my documents and pictures in sorts.
Anyways, I'm so fucking stress free, I'm tired as shit and a whole bounty of feelings, but fuck, I mean what the fuck am I supposed to do aye? I'm just livin life how I want so everyone who has an issue that can fuck off. My speech is a bit odd, I just started watching Skins and they voice in my head is speaking in british that non posh shit. So my minds in all kinds of sorts right now.
So my motto for the rest of my life? Why not? It's like a philosophy class! Hahaha.
My life at the moment, I told my best friend there that I just to be infatuated with him for a good chunk of the time I knew him, that was fun, I'm sure that boosted his ego to about a million. ANYWAYS, I'm still loving that chick I've liked for ages now, it's honestly ridiculous I honestly hate it, I say move on, but my minds all acting stupid and shit. I'm texting an old friend/ex of mine, and I've suspected foul play from the beginning but he's a friend so what ev, but I got an odd text and I can't make heads or tails of it.
He asked what I did during my off period I told him, trying to suggest I am a bit busy and shit, but he replied with exact quote and shit "Wanna hang with me for thirty minutes tomorrow? Fool around or something" So, I'm like... hm... he has made no sexual advances towards me in the past 3 years, oh wait that's a fucking lie. Point is I've never done shit with him, I was a fucking tease the entire time we were together, ah back in my I'm an idiot days. So I can take it as, hey he wants to do some sexual shit like he always used to back in the day OR he could mean hang out and shit. I would usually know what shit was going down, BUT I have been influenced by people who aren't my shit fucked friends, but more by some laid back bitches on Tumblr or Skins or Youtube, stuff from people just trying to live life all natural and shit with the fucking flow. So my perception is shit.
Now, I don't want to do shit with him. It's not my game, plus I know his girlfriend, oh yes boys and girls you heard right GIRLFRIEND, I have her 1st, so it's like... I wonder if she knows I'm talking to her gf.
BTW, this guy is one of the main reason I decided to say fuck to my regular exercise and taking nice care of myself, because I didn't want dirt bags like him around me. Oh yes, I had a full on break down after 9th grade, ah mental instability some crazy shit goes down.
Anyways, I'm assuming he wants to hang out nothing sexual at all. But can't help but be nervous ya know? I mean, THAT would be awkward. Anyways.
Oh, and I just started my period, which is shit, but explains why I felt super exta fat today. I was like, I don't usually look like this wtf? And sure enough I bloated like a walrus. I hate water weight, tomorrow is going to be some major exercise to get rid of it, plus I need to get back to my super old routine, which will be way fucking easier when I'm in college and a straight up veggie chick.
So my life as been meaningless, I can't really hang with friends because I have my stupid bus to catch. I would skip class, but honestly I only have 4 ish. I have calculus, gov/eco, choir and theory (same teacher), and band. So I mean, I would never fucking miss my first 2, it'd be pointless to skip choir because I have theory which I wouldn't miss, and band, I hang out in the band hall all day, there is no point in my skipping it, and my off periods no one has off with me, that I would care much for.
I'm confused as shit, I'm a bit moody, I'm bloated as fuck and I want to do some fun shit. Fuck, ANYWAYS. Let's see what the year brings. Cause I'm going to fuck up some shit with some friends. And not my lame ass friends.
I do apologize for like the five fucking million 'fucks' I used in this post, it's my rebellious side coming out. Oh yes ;)
I'll update you tomorrow to see what the fuck that guy was talking about
Peace out homies XD
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