Today has been a shit day, just in general. I mean, it started off great, like every other day since school started, me being pissed off at waking up so early. BUt I knew something was wrong when I realized that I slept a good night's sleep (10p.m.-5:30 a.m. you do the math) and I was still tired(which proves my theory that I need only 3-5 hours of sleep because if I sleep more or less than that I'll feel worse than if I slept 3-5 hours). I was in a not good mood this morning I could tell right away because I didn't want to do anything. Of course this all has to do with not passing my online english class, which you will note later.
Class was okay, I enjoyed Calculus(as always), Government was okay too, and that's when my day went down the drain. I was called to the counselors office and I was-
Hey, I should probably tell you how my new year has been going.
I can honestly say I've been happy for the year. I really and truly have been, not to say everything has been peachy. I always assumed that happiness lead to having nothing wrong with you or having issues. It's a misconception in my mind that was keeping me down.
My little stupid voice would tell me I didn't deserve to be happy, you are too fucked up to be. It would name everything wrong I've ever done with my life. Naturally after you've heard this voice go from YELLING at you telling you, you are a fuck up and nothing good will ever happen to you because you haven't done anything to make up for all the fucked up things you've done. To just speaking to you, telling you exactly why you are a fuck up and why you should keep being self destructive because there's no way out of the hole you've dug yourself, so maybe if you dig far enough you'll hit happiness. Then to just whispering in your ear whenever you wanted to get help, when you wanted to be happy, you wanted someone to care and get you out, that no one can save you, no one will want to help you because you aren't worth anything and you deserve everything happening to you. When that happens to you during the course of 5 years you can't believe anything else, you are so brainwashed that there is just no way out of depression and self destruction.
But then when I failed I had enough happiness around me, enough openness, enough vulnerability, that when that stress was gone I was able to enjoy everything around me. And I learned and am learning what happiness is again.
I was dead, and I feel alive again. I'm ready to live my life. Unfortunately just because I've been happy does not mean my depression is totally gone, or that I don't have ED ideas or my plans for the future. But I'm hoping I will be able to live a better life this way and help myself get better.
I'm so amazed honestly at how much I've grown over the past not even 2 weeks.
But that doesn't stop me from being pissed off. I've put failing in the back of my mind because I am in such a fragile state that I'm afraid I'll revert back to my hopeless feeling of loss.
My counselor is nice but treated me like common trash in her idiotic fake happy face. I broke it with my mind tricks, I just didn't push it I still need her. She was pissing me off I had to do something, I can play fake happiness and make you feel like crap game too bitch, I'm a fucking pro.
So I have to take night classes at our accelerated learning center, basically credit recovery. It's totally gay and pisses me off which is what murdered my mood, which wasn't great to begin with. Then I had choir which I didn't really let out steam, I haven't yet. Then stupid english, the teacher wasn't there it was book work, mmind numbing honestly.It really pissed me off. :)
And then band was boring I played almost none at all and it was a bad tone day, it really doesn't help that the person next to me has an extremely airy tone and very uncertain of things because of her tone. It pisses me off, it screws me up, I think I sound like shit, I think I'm playing things that sound bad, and it makes my section sound bad which may actually be the most aggravating part.
Then theory where I was not in a great mood along with choir rehearsal, my mood could have been way better.
And then my mom just ULTIMATELY pissed me off. I was in such a pissy mood. Honestly, I was so fucking pissed and I understand why she said what she said but it didn't stop me from being so fucking pissed off.
I have just had a shit day.
On the bright side tomorrow I give blood :D and then I'll have hang out time with my budday, and have region band practice. Then home, shower, knock out, wake up early and have a full day of rehearsal, some lunch, then our concert. Should be a fun weekend!
ALSO, I'm planning of going to college for 4 years, before my graduate school probably, and then join the Peace Corps.
Okay, so before you are all like, why would she do something stupid like that with her life.
Well, dear reader, I have always wanted to help the world, but I've been too poor to donate or travel some where to help myself, or to do things like volunteer in my community, mostly that one because I'm a huge rugged individualism type of person.
And this way, I might learn to love my country more, gain a certain patience I haven't had to learn, live out my rugged individualism ideas, learn the value of living on my own and working hard. I would go straight out of high school, but I'm looking forward to learn music and then I might be influenced by my experiences, I'm not a fan of writing like I am now, but rather describe things with sound and feeling. Because music for me is a feeling and a way of your state of mind being spoken. It is your conscience your sub conscience your thoughts your emotions your life being described. That's what music is to me, and that is why I am learning to fall in love with it and love every note and learn the theory of music and learn basics and things that I will be able to apply to what I hear in my mind.
I'm a plain nutter, I know, but you know my mind isn't that screwy.
I want to help the world, help people, but I need to grow up. I'm 17, and yes I am nearing the first fifth of my life (1/5=20%) and I have only lived so much. I'm still naive, I know that.
So if people could stop telling me that I'm sheltered, I would greatly appreciate it, I'm not stupid, I just haven't experienced the world.
I'm waiting to live.
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