My Initial Thoughts

NOW, I remember what I was going to post earlier today before I had weirdness happen.

So I am so afraid that when I turn 18 I will go out and buy a carton of smokes and like it.

Now, you probably think because of the regualr reason, the "YOU ARE GOING TO GET LUNG CANCER AND DIE" Now I'm not stupid, though I do yell at people about that. Chances of that happening are slim, it will kill the people around you, but not teh smoker necessarily.

I don't want to like it because basically every single fucking day of my existence, my mother has smoked 2-5 fags a day. And it pisses me off beyond belief.

Earlier today, I was feeling pretty down, and I decided, FUCK IT, and I was planning on finishing off that bottle of wine in my hiding spot. But weirdness happened and I decided against it.

Now in my mind this is what rolled in my mind to deal with my sudden shot of long lasting unhappiness. I'm going to drink, I'm going to cut, I'm going to smoke, I'm going to do all three, I'll do two of them, I'll try and fall into the music and numb myself that way. [Note that a year from today sex would have also been in that list, either before drinking or after drinking. Depending what time last year it was]

That's not a rare thing to go through my mind when issues pop up. That usually happens, what scares me is that smoking is in there. I don't want to smoke particularly, but it is basically engraved in my mind that it makes you feel better. Just like cutting is and kind of drinking(that hasn't been proven to me yet) and drugs. So I have a plethora of things to choose from, but smoking is the scariest of them all, and I'm not 100% sure why.


Since the year started I began self analyzing a lot more. Like, why did I tell him I liked him all these years later, or why do I consider the above in that order and why can't I just automatically go to the non-dangerous one. I am really discovering things about myself, and I am scared, mainly because I hate admitting I don't know things or that I'm afraid of things. Both in my mind are signs of weakness and are huge neon signs for the voices to mock me and tell me how worthless I am, but I'm plowing through, determined to not let it affect me until I find the truth so maybe one day things will be way better!