Bleh bleh bleh!

“I’ve loved you from the first time I saw you. I think I was twelve. It took me three years to pluck up the courage to speak to you. And I was so scared of the way I felt. You know, loving a girl. I learned how to become a sarcastic bitch to make it feel normal. I screwed guys to make it go away, but it didn’t work. When we got together, it scared the shit out of me, because you were the one person who could ruin my life. I pushed you away. I made you think things were your fault. But. Really I was just terrified of the pain.
I screwed that girl Sophia, to kind of spite you for having that hold on me. And I’m a total fucking coward because… (takes tickets out of bag) I got these. These tickets to go for us three months ago. But I, I couldn’t stand…I didn’t want to be a slave to the way I feel about you. Can you understand? You were trying to punish me back and it’s hard. It’s so horrible. Because. Really. I’d die for you. I love you. I love you so much it’s killing me.” -Naomi(Lily Loveless)

Isn't that the most fucking amazing thing ever? I totally would melt. Just fucking melt. I could act this out it's so amazing.

In context it's WAY more amazing. With the tickets and the Sophia things, and the sarcastic bitch and screwing guys. Ah, it was just fucking wow. There were TEARS running down my face when I saw this scene. Considering it was the last episode and only like 10 or less minutes left before the entire fucking series ended and my favorite couple Naomi and Emily were on rocky terms and didn't seem like they were going to make it. And then this. I fucking DIED.


ANYWAYS! It was on my Tumblr wall and I remembered how fucking awesome it was!


My day was pretty lame. But that's not what I wanted to talk about today.


Today I wanted to talk about these thoughts that have been circulating through my mind.

Now I have been trying to get these reoccurring thoughts of cutting and such away for the plain reason that it's something I no longer want to lie about. Well, yesterday, or at least last night I thought.

I'm doing worse in school, my will to learn is shit, but I have a better social life.

Now, when I was cutting or at least entertaining the thought of it, I was doing way better in school, I had more of a drive to learn, but I had a worse social life.

I didn't/don't know if I need to revert for the sake of my school career.

Do I risk my mental stability for my future? Or should I maintain my mental stability and risk my education? It's a major conundrum.

So today I subconsciencely decided that I needed a sign to decide what is what.

Now, I didn't know what this sign from fate was going to be but it would have to be something I would notice.

So today, an old friend and old alumni came to visit my 1st period class for a college class of hers. She reminded me of last year when she believed in me and my physics (which I fucking sucked in) and I had no idea what it meant. Does her story mean that I should maintain my mental stability because I could do something stupid, or was her presence a sign for me to get my education back.

All in all, fate gave me mixed signals and I don't know what to do honestly.


In after school practice, the girl I sit next to is super ADD, and she kept looking at me being bored and picking at random things that were on my arms. Since, I was bored out of my mind. She commented on something about me earlier and I answered her, it was innocent. Now in my mind I kind of wanted her to notice my VERY noticeable scars on the arm closest to her, so I made it easier for her to notice it. Now she never noticed and I realized what I was doing and I stopped it. Then about an hour later she noticed. And it caught me off guard. I turned towards my music, thinking about what to say, (now you can't talk in practice so it had to be a charade) and I decided against the truth and I acted out a cat. She bought it.

I almost cried. Why? Because it was the first time I had lied about it in ages, and ages after I decided ever lying to someone about it ever again. And it just depressed me.

Now tomorrow is Self Harm Awareness day, how am I supposed to take that? AND it's a state testing day, meaning I have nothing to do tomorrow at school.

Do you see what I mean about mixed signals?

In all honesty I think it's just trying to tell me nothing else can make a decision for me, it's time to be a big girl and do it myself.

Ugh.

Stupid life... I made a list (in my mind) during band class today while I did nothing (as usual) of all the things I'd rather be doing. I might post, I dunno, it was quite amusing!


So, that is all. I will see you guys later!

This week!

Yesterday I hung out with Gil!

It was fucking fun! We went to sonic and then went to go eat in some park next to the court house (I HAD NO IDEA IT EXISTED!!!).

It was a great place, We talked about EVERYTHING, I am insanely open with him and I know he understands me and I understand him. It's great thing we have going.

Now, after the park I drove him home and we hung out in his room talking. He was in bed and I was sitting there on his bed. We talked about several topics.

The most memorable being we discussed our preferred party of pokemon.

Mine of course being, Charizard, Fearow, Vaporeon, blazekin, chikorita, mr. mime.

If I could only have one starter and only choose from the first 150 pokemon.

Charizard, Fearow, Vaporean, Nidoking, mr.mime, vulpix

There :)

ANYWAYS!

So, he's been all I'm so DTF, and I'm like hm... I don't know. It wasn't until yesterday that I realized how DTF he really was. And how willing I would be, for everything except the F part. I think I have developed a weird mixture of feelings for him. I haven't ever really not been attracted to him. Eh. whatever.

I'll see what happens as the days go on.

I'm insanely indifferent about it all.

Plus I'm not a cheating kind, so what ever.

My mood has been pretty down actually.


AND I have, relatively, found where I lie between liking both genders, here's a punctuation graph, for your convenience, to explain!
HERE!
v
BOY|-------------|-----------------|-------------[-]---|-------------|GIRL


I lean WAY on the girl side! :D

Fear.

I'm afraid that if I cry about not getting accepted into the school of music, that I will never get out of the sadness and anger I will feel.

Ahhh....

This week! Has been effing boring. Seriously.

The highlights however were, my choir director/music theory teacher told me on two different occasions that the girls in my choir approved and liked what I did when I taught the class for three days. I was SO giddy. I couldn't help but smile. I was so glad, I feel like I gained a lot of respect from them XD

Even the chick I called out(kinda, I didn't know her name). The other day at after school sectionals, I was trying to get out of there as fast as possible to go take a test I missed. So I ran off the risers and took a turn around the back to go get my stuff and that chick (who's name I still don't know) jumped off and got some acceleration and we almost crashed into each other and she was like, "Oh Sorry Elidee!" as I ran past her (I was a chick on a mission!). And I almost (Almost, once again, on a mission) stopped and looked at her with my jaw dropped. If she hated me, she would have been like whatever, or she would still not acknowledge me. It was amazing!

I was in a good mood.

So, that was the highlight.

I was however very stressed out because I had solo and ensemble this week and I was beyond unprepared!

I have a hard solo that must be worked on with vigor. And, yeah. I have just put in the tempo's and such, and man was I flipped on a lot of things.

So, we had to practice with our pianist, and the time I was scheduled was taken by somebody, so I had to go some other time. I was not in the mood. Because the lady SUCKED. Everyone (who is a good player) told me she sucked. And sure enough. she did..

Apparently she didn't have my solo. So I had to get someone to make me a copy. And once I did I didn't get a chance to practice with her. So, I went into that room today and jeez. She 'sight read' it. In other words she payed a few wrong notes in the wrong places. My 4 pages of pure notes were basically played solo in the truest sense of the word.

And wow. I spent the six minutes playing by myself. Oh sorry, I mean the 5:58 seconds. She played the last 4 measures with me. I should have killed her.

Ugh, she sucked.


Anyways. Yeah.

BUT! Yesterday I was walking out of my amazingly annoying English class trying to run away to the band hall for class as always. And I was stuck in a crowd in the congestion hallway. However, what stopped my annoyance was pretty good. I saw the congestion and I started walking slower scoping out people (trying to see if I could find this girl who I've NEVER seen before until last Thursday and she's in my grade and has been for a while, but her hair are radical colors and she is pretty [not my type] but pretty, but now [in the middle of the 4th six weeks] I see her ALL the time and I can't figure out why I've never seen her before) and I use it as a good chance to check out girls with out being obvious, of course. And in between two groups of loud black chicks (which makes up the congestion at my school) was this chick trying to get through.

Now. From behind, omg. She was wearing a decent skirt and a black dress sweater, she was dressed up. Some heels, black glasses a natural looking ponytail with what looked like amazing hair, with bangs. Her legs were seriously TO DIE FOR! That skirt really made her butt look great. Her curves were hnng...

I could not help but stare. Omg. Then she turned her head a bit, it was the cherry on top. I probably would have tried to figure out who she was if another group of loud black girls didn't separate us and it wasn't a passing period.

It was the highlight of my week to see someone so hot. And I got a glimmer of 'gay' coming from her. So, you know. I almost died there in the middle of the hallway to get trampled by loud black girls. Because gangster black guys would walk around like what the fuck, mexican/hispanic guys go through the front hallways or are on the way to their girlfriend's, mexican/hispanic girls would not pay mind to me splayed out on the floor and go around me, nerds would be too busy to care, teachers would just stand there, loud black girls would not give a fuck and walk over me cause they can.

I just wow. Hottest girl I've ever seen at school. It was very unexpected, VERY unexpected.

Hnng...


SO yeah! That was my end of the week!


OH! Do this! Go to the first link (displayed below) and then open the second link (displayed below) and if you have slow youtube loading powers wait for the first link to load. Now lay in bed and imagine you're in a sad music video.

Link One

Link Two

WATCH IT, please?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8wRXa971Xw0&feature=player_embedded#at=111

I AM CRYING! That is the most PRICELESS thing I've ever seen in my life, go watch!!!

As for me, I am trying to think about what I want to do with my hair. Should I cut it? Should I cut it short, what will I do if it's that short? What will I do with it if I grow it long. Can I see myself with long hair? How will I style my hair if it's long or short? I'm not doing medium hair, oh hell naw. It looks bad on me.

I will now go on the internet (like I'm not already on it :P) and look up hairstyles. Because I'm tired of the pony tail thing. Stupid hair and your unruliness.

Um... you just NEED to watch that video if you haven't already. I died. I am.. omg just go watch it!

Happy Sappy Day!!!

Ah. I officially hate man sized bears and huge balloons.

I walked into school and I was late so I managed to open my locker and throw a bunch of crap in it, lock it, and walk fast through the crowds to class upstairs in about 3 minutes. An official record.

As I ran through crowds of people I was surrounded by people with pink, red, and white bags, chocolates, roses, fucking bears, balloons, and stupid teenage couples. I can't believe I didn't bring anything sharp or pointy to school to pop their dreams! Ha, not so extreme but it was frustrating. Before I walked into school I saw this unattractive, imo, guy holding one of those animal pillow things but valentine's style and I thought that was cute. Then I walked inside the school of fake love. Ugh.

I don't hate Valentine's day. I do think it's a great day for people to really show their love for one another. Sincerely though, I would do something out of the ordinary for my significant other.

But, my ordinary would be giving my significant random gifts, always telling them how much they mean to me, how much I love them, giving them roses/their favorite flowers (reference to my dream if I shared that with you guys, I don't remember if I ever did), I would leave small little notes telling them to have a great day and how beautiful they are. I'm a hopeless romantic, eh.

My life just seems to be getting more and more boring by the second. A bit sad really. I had practice today until 6, and dear jesus. Okay, I have a FIVE page solo which is mostly me playing, minus like eight measures.

I found out I was playing my entire first page wrong a week or so ago. I just didn't have time to re learn it last week. Now today (I was supposed to) play with my piano accompanist, so I had to learn it. Then I was forced to have a session thing with the percussion teacher, so I went to him and he taught me how it went. Now my first page is EXCRUCIATINGLY slow. And I hate it so! When it was fast I could cover up a bunch of my mistakes but now I am forced to have everything perfect.

So, today I had to practice it for hours, and I almost cried at one point in my practice, because I was so frustrated and the song is so emotional (to me). Ah, and then I had 1 hour sectionals and a 1 hour 15 minutes full band practice 15 minutes afterwards. Man, was it a rough day for playing.

Ah... I think I'm slightly addicted to farmville. Stupid Gil, he started my playing again :/

Tomorrow I'm planning on hanging out after school, see who's up to hang out!

My Calculus teacher most likely is hating me!


P.S. Stumbling is amazing XD and so is age of empires (maybe that's the name) 2 is awesome!

My scars are itchy :/

So I'm going through Skins withdrawal. It's bit weird.

I was thinking of what I'm feeling and I was trying to think of an analogy. My band director has converted me into an analogy person, everything has a way to be explained by a more common occurrence or a moral story, or a personal story.

I thought of the feelings when you break up with someone and then I remembered the most painful break up I've had. I've always broken up with my boyfriends(note I've never had a girlfriend) but on the one occasion it wasn't really my choice it hurt like a bitch.

Here is the story of the break up between my boyfriend and I... a little under 3 years ago...

My previous 2 boyfriends were okay. My first boyfriend asked me out on Yahoo IM about an hour after I told him I liked Gil when he asked me. He basically wanted to have sex with me. I won't blame him completely, they were his hormonal instincts but I didn't stop it at all. I was a major tease and ugh, I was big on the whole sexting cybering thing back then. I was awesome at it, not something to be proud of, but I was dirty talk and describing sexual acts were my forte. Anyways, we used to do that all the time. I continued it into our relationship because I didn't want to have sex with, I wasn't ready for that (ironic isn't it? considering I had sex with a boy I didn't like very much months before) so I held him off.

I only let him kiss me once. I was... disgusted. He was walking me to band, which I had after lunch. The set up of the school was like this. There is a large parking lot divided in two by a roofed walking sidewalk I guess, that leads to another building and series of portable buildings. When you are in the main school building the room closest to the exit to the sidewalk thing is the cafeteria. Then when you walk out the band hall is right there, it's connected to the school, but they won't let you walk in through the doors inside the school. So you have this real sidewalk on the side of the parking lot, then a small lawn of grass then a path leading to the band hall which is covered, but it''s hell in the winter. When outside of the band hall you are faced with heavy metal windowless brown double doors.

So he was walking me as usual, oh I should mention I don't really fancy short guys I like shorter girls not guys though, so I'm walking I turn my head to face away from him for whatever reason and then I turn back around and I think he jumped/tippy toed to give me a large disgusting wet kiss. I'm sure he had literally wet his lips to not be chapped.

I'd rather he had kissed me with chapped lips. I was SO insanely pissed off. I passed it off as I was angry because someone could have seen and they don't know me as a person that does sensual or sexual things. A week or so later we broke up.

I didn't like him much, so we had a mutual break up.

My second boyfriend was sweet, hugged SUPER tight and for a REALLY long time, like awkwardly long.

I broke up with him though, we really didn't know each other very well, or at all. It was a weird relationship, nice guy though. He was a sophomore I felt ballin' though when he asked me out XD because I was a fish.

My third and last boyfriend. The one I actually fancied a lot.

I noticed him when we worked firework warehouse together. Me and Fernando(my best friend at the time)were sitting facing the big fireworks wall which also faced the door where people come in (so we would be ready to work, we were the first stop to their shopping experience)

The warehouse is set up as a square with a rectangle in the middle where we sell the smaller fireworks. When you walk in you must take a left turn and go through it clockwise if not it would fuck traffic up. Along the wall where the door is all the giant fireworks are located, like the ones you light and go off for a while. Then when you turn that wall is dedicated to artillery shells, then a door out then the huge artillery shells I believe. Then the next corner are the variety packs. The next corner are the cash registers and the exit. In the middle the side you immediately see is what I work, the smaller flashy fire works, (bottle rockets before they became illegal) and roman candles and the other side of the middle are the little kid toys. I can work that side I just prefer my side.

So were sitting where I work and on the corner between the artillery shells and the giant fireworks was this guy. I wasn't sure who he was, but he was all emo gothy looking. He looked very hot. I really liked how he looked. I was instantly attracted and someone told me he was in percussion I thought that was interesting.

Somehow we talked in the 2 week course where we sometimes saw each other. We talked once and I liked him. BUT he was a sophomore, I thought he was out of my league, and the first guy I was fucked was trying to get me to fuck him in the back. So I didn't try to flirt, but i did a little when I first talked to him XD

Then in the spring after the band banquet he started texting me (I don't even remember how he got my number) and we started going out the next week. I really liked him mind you. But he cut his hair and was really letting himself go, now I was a bit vain back then and I had his image of before that I was insanely attracted to.

I was a bitch back then I must admit. I tried to mold him back to the guy I liked in the winter, and mold his personality into a better one. He was a whiny bitch in all honesty. He was always on the verge of killing himself, he told he me that on a regular basis he had had the kitchen knife to his neck. It was getting a bit old really. Oh! He always got pissy when he would tell me of when someone called him 'emo' because they thought he cut. Now. I was getting sick of it, he was really a pussy back then. But I looked past it. Because I liked him.

Now, before we went out and we talked (on Myspace) he knew I was agnostic and I wasn't religious at all. He knew that. We had an entire conversation about it. So when we started going out I assumed he knew. It was part of the deal. I went out with him mainly because I had sex with a jack ass that wouldn't stop trying to get me to have sex with him again, my first boyfriend only wanted sex and my second relationship revolved around not being alone on Valentine's Day (yeah I know, and here was a nice Christian boy asking me out. Psh.

He was christian, but he tried to suppress his sexual urges when we talked, but eventually we sexted or whatever. I was a bit disheartened. But I liked him so we went on. He felt bad because sex not good before marriage whatever. We got through it. A couple weeks later we were talking and he got on the topic of religion and hinting and talking about how he can't and shouldn't be going out with someone who doesn't believe in God.

I started arguing with him about how it's fine and it shouldn't matter and then I got angry and sad telling him that the bible is stupid and such. We had several fights about it. I told him he knew I didn't believe in God, we had talked about it before.

Keep in mind I really did like him even though he annoyed me. I started telling him that I could try.

I remember we were walking after school(at the other high school), we were going to the band hall and we were walking around the circle (rotunda) and where the rotunda meets the main hallway I stopped him (we were in a kinda argument) and I told him I could try I could become catholic again, and if that would help if that would help. I could try.
He said it didn't matter, my heart wouldn't be in it. It wouldn't matter.

Then I walked angry to the band hall. And I just hung out. I don't even know what the purpose was. Or what I was doing because the memory doesn't make much sense but I remember that memory.

We later had an argument and he said he needed to break up with me and I was angry because it was solely based on religion. But here's the kicker.

He then told me he couldn't break up with me. At first I thought he meant we would still be together. But nope. He couldn't be the one to officially end the relationship, so he asked ME to break up, because he couldn't do it. I was SO FUCKING pissed off and I broke up with him after about an hour of arguing.


That fucked with me, to this day it still fucks with me. I decided after my week of sorrow that it wasn't worth it. Nothing was worth it, feeling was unnecessary so I would just stop. And I did to an extent. Fucked me up though. Fucked me up.


I didn't trust anyone for years. It wasn't worth it. They would just hurt me.

I gave up on working out and trying to look attractive because I din't want the sexual attention I was getting. It wasn't worth it.

Nothing was worth feeling the extreme pain I felt that entire year from summer to summer. I'm sure they have a medical term to describe what I did. I did it though my emotional state was grey. To me at that time and quite awhile afterwards I didn't find emotions worth it, maybe happiness but pain would come afterwards so that was unnecessary.


That is my story of the last boyfriend.


Freshman year was just brutal really.


But I've grown up and my hormonal levels are a bit more normal now. I see more into the future now. I'm much better now. I believe in life and feelings. I can appreciate feelings, I really appreciate feelings. Being numb is just so fucking horrible never do it. That is REALLY not worth it.

I've decided life is worth living, my future memories are worth living for. My future lovers will be worth it. Life is too beautiful to try and destroy it.

I don't have a giant obsession with my self injury and ED like before. They are still on my mind everyday but I choose not to dwell on them because there are much more important things to be thinking about and experiencing.

Hating myself will not get me anywhere in life so why continue hating myself. I can fix what I don't like as life moves on but I'm not going to dwell on my imperfections.


Now, to shift gears. I was watching this interview(omg it feels so good to type right now. I just wrote like 20 texts, in perspective, explaining what I did today and dear jesus were my hands cramped, I have a blackberry and long fingers.) and it was around last valentine's day, so this crazy guy came out singing that song the, 'You're too good to be true' song. And I thought, I would totally sing that song to a girl. It would be a song I would especially learn for a certain girl.

That is today's real post. Not like my Skins spiel earlier.

Skins!

I have officially finished both generations of Skins.

Dear jesus, I feel so incomplete like there has to be another episode. These last few episodes I've had to pause and calm down or prepare myself for what could happen. It's been intense, I am SO glad there is going to be a movie. I am so insanely numb and bursting with feelings for this show! I can't believe what they've done how my favorite couple has evolved how my favorite character is...

I am so sad. It's been an intense ride. I was going to watch the season finale last night after I watched the second to last episode. But I couldn't do it. I was too mixed up. If you've watched you'd know what I'm talking about. I don't even know what's happening in my mind. I've been so screwed with.

It's an awesome show, but if you're going to watch it, do it later this year. Or pace yourself near the end of the year because the movie is coming out in 2012. I am so excited and damn. I'm so fucking mind blown from what just happen.

Mind fucked.

Anyways, that's all I had to say. 1st generation is still my favorite, but 2nd generation is fucking intense, the 1st generation prepares you some what, for sure.
Fuck the entire 2nd season of 2nd generation start to finish is intense it doesn't stop really.

Okay, I'm done XD

Dunno

Hm... I've been very depressed today. I have no reason to be, well I do, but nothing major. I taught a class I'm teaching myself piano, and I helped a flute understand her playing some more.

I had a productive day, I even finished Macbeth (which I started like 3 days ago in class, and now I'm done with it. I also played through my solo (maybe not correctly but it's like 4-5 pages long I'm happy to just know it).

My self esteem at the moment is fucking high, I had fun the last period of the day. I have a great body image, but I'm sad, and I don't know why.

I'm wondering what is happening. Going crazy again? Probably!

Anyways, Valentine's is coming! I want to write awesome notes to my friends who I know will not have a valentine. A letter telling them what great beautiful people they are. But I don't know who to write for. Everyone deserves it, so probably everyone I can do it for. It's a bit frustrating though knowing I can't write one for everyone out there.

Moving on. I think my best friend is going to kill me if he finds out I still have never kissed a girl. I think he might shove me face into the next girl that passes if I tell him, or if he asks. It will be a bit funny, he was pissed the last time I told him... over a year ago XD

A bit fucked.

I have a new fascination of in girls with red hair. I just find them really attractive. Every other hair color is still cool, but I never found red hair attractive until pretty much this week. Well the fondness began when I was in choir and the chick behind me was cool and came back one day with red dyed hair. It was attractive and then Emily came along (from Skins) and she really makes the red work.

So yup! That was my revelation of the day!

Today I'm feeling a lot better than my moody before period surge of depression I had yesterday. But I'm still not completely happy. I'm very sad like genuinely sad.

I feel so lost, like I have no path, I have no purpose.

A bit frustrating it is. My best friend and my only other good friend, are leaving tomorrow to TMEA, it's a music educators/lovers, convention. So I won't have them to enjoy tomorrow. It's going to be a suck day. I may just go home early tomorrow.

Ah, okay. So my best friend, Gil. I've really been trying to ignore it and suppress it, but I think I like the bastard again. This is just not ideal. The fucker is just fucking likable. Ugh, stupid kid.

Anyways.

I feel hollow, I think that's the best way to describe it. Like I feel unfulfilled. It's not working out. It's time for me to live life I think. And my best friend is going off for the weekend. Gay.

It's been a shit week, but the week is almost over, then I get to wallow in my loneliness for a whole 2 days. Eh.

On a happier not I think I have learned how to play the song I need to teach my choir section on the piano! Sort of!

:)

All in a day's work!

I was insanely depressed this morning that I almost cried the first two periods of the day. 3rd period cheered me up, but I was already in a sensitive mood and then I got back my calculus test and I made stupid decisions and i failed with a 54 and I was really expecting a 80 something at the least a 70. But I got a 54. I just died.

I felt like shit, I was on the brink of tears in both classes, I did tear up but no tears fell.

Choir cheered me up a bit, I have a small crush on this sophomore who stands behind me and she wasn't here yesterday. So, it cheered me up today, and annoying little chick next to me wasn't here for part of the class. So I was happier, she has my sarcastic humor so we can play along for a small bit, but I don't really know her, only the small bit we talk it class. I'm sure we would hit it off, but alas, she is straight.

Music always cheers me up, now band was shit.

I survived though. My day was okay.

I won't lie though, I have been feeling shit lately because Gil hasn't talked to me much and it is bothering me.

I am feeling better, not on the brink of tears! But I can't shake the depressing feeling, almost forgot what it felt, almost.

ALSO, the reason I was going to make this post. Today after school I was talking to my friend Jacque and then my crush was calling me (she is not in band) outside the band hall doors. Now after I finish talking, I go get my letterman from my locker and I put it on because it was fucking freezing when I went out to lunch, and sure enough it was fucking freezing!

I walk out and this girl is in a T-shirt and with out a jacket. She hugs me and then put her arm in my jacket. Now, I've trained myself to not feel anything when she touches, grabs, hugs, attacks, or has any physical contact with me, because I am super obvious. So I didn't think anything of it, she's always touchy feely. And it was the wrong side of me where she couldn't hug me.

Later on she put her arm on the right side, and hugged me with said arm and then eventually just put both arms in. She was hugging me under my jackets (yes I had two on, I was too lazy to take the light one off). We were surrounded so I kept cool, I didn't really feel anything, then again I really wasn't feeling anything in general. So I'm all enjoying the hug and I really want to stay there holding *cough* I mean HUGGING her XD but I offered my bus friends a ride home. So I had to leave my crush to freeze :(

So as I talked to my friends and I called another and put her on speaker phone, I was like, wow. Maybe I'm AT LAST over her. I get home and discover nope. I'm not. I'm actually very turned on, crap, not over her. It's a bit annoying but I never see her now, so it will go away :) hopefully!

Oh yeah, she's also straight. Stupid straight girls XD

Another Breaking Heart.

Concert days are never great for me. I'm not sure if it's because I'm nervous (which I don't feel ever) or because they just happen to fall on days where I'm just fed up with things.

They are just shit days for me. Two christmas concerts ago I made a huge cut on my arms right before I left the house, literally right before I walked out the door, because I was pissed and I just couldn't feel anything anymore.
This christmas concert I cut again, or maybe last christmas concert, for similar reason, no one cared.

In present day... I'm not sure you've ever felt this. But my heart, if the sad love emotion is strong enough, will ache. It will ache, a physical ache. It's dull but my heart is basically crying. I get an overwhelming feeling to cry, and sometimes, most times I do.

Today, my heart aches. I have just finished 'Katie and Emily's episode. And just the 'love' that you can perceive from the lovers is awesome. But it makes me really miss having someone to hold me or holding someone. I really don't feel love from anyone. It's a bit pathetic really.

I am submerged in a feeling of 'not good enough'. In my mind I try to convince myself that I will find someone someday, it's just been too long. I try not to think of romantic things ever. I avoid couples because I hate the love they have found. It makes me just want to go fuck the next person who passes by to try and make up for it. But I don't because I don't want to do that. It's just hard sometimes when your best friend (who you were once basically in love with) is in love with some chick, who I don't think is good enough for him, but he 'loves her'.

I actually fucking hate the word, I fucking hate it.

It doesn't help I'm writing this with an aching heart and tears just wanting to run down my face. But I must get ready for my concert which will begin in about 50 minutes, another day, another opportunity to fuck something up.

I hate it, life that is.

Naomily spiel

I swear to zeusis man!

So, in case you don't know, I am fucking obsessed with Skins (UK version), and in the second generation there is this 'couple' Naomi and Emily. Emily is the shy lesbian,, as she just discovered, and Naomi is the straight girl who is strong minded (FUCKING GORGEOUS you'll see), who like Emily though she has an issue dealing with it.

Now, Naomi, whenever Emily and Naomi are alone, always walks away and then ends up coming back and kissing Emily. But the thing is, whenever you think they are going to kiss they sometimes don't then Naomi walks away and the Emily says something, Naomi comes back and looks at her or just pounces and kisses her, it's always very male dominance like. But dear zeusis, it is so fucking hot. It always catching me off guard though, whenever I watch I feel like a freaking perv. for enjoying so much XD

Here is a picture just for you guys XD





Okay, More than one.

Did I mention this was shot in Bristol, England? Where they have amazing sexy *drool* ah, sorry, amazing sexy accents. Naomi has a very demanding pure voice, Emily has a very raspy airy innocent voice and just *drool* straight up man! You should watch it! If you're into that kind of thing.

Odd

Okay. Today's topic is something weird for me.

My mind is an odd thing really. I tend to not want to be weak, it's the last thing I want. I never cry in front of people, I don't even want to talk to people when I have just cried because that's just a sign of my personal weakness. Now on the other hand I do not mind if someone cries in front of me, I see it as a sign of strength to be able to cry in front of people.

Weakness is not a strong suit of mine, I don't want people to know I'm mortal, because somehow that would just mean I'm inferior and no one will like me. Wow, even that was hard to write. Ah, I'm an idiot.

Anyways, my point for this post, other than the fact I hate saying anything that would compromise my hard facade, I have a hard time saying several things.

The one thing that has probably never been uttered by me is, "I need you."

And now I am here to announce to the world, that I fucking need someone.

I am in fact so lonely. Sure, I have a great best friend and such and I could talk to him forever, but I need others. It's unbelievable how worthless I can feel sometimes. I have a couple of great friends, but I don't have a crowd.

I realize I have tried to isolate myself for several reasons, but now I only have acquantices. I don't even want to try and rekindle a friendship with my old friends because it's not worth it I know how that will end up. I need a change but, I want someone now. That sounds insanely selfish, but jesus man, I have not had a significant other in fucking years. I don't think it's the fact Valentine's Day is coming on but the fact that my senior year is coming to the end and it seems so lame.

At times it's just like fuck it, I'll take him up on his offer and I'll sneak out and go party it up and do some stupid things with strangers. It's wrong, but shit it seems like some fun from my boring ass life.

I have one awesome friend and a league of accquantices.

I have no significant other.

I don't even know who I am.

What the hell do I want to do when I'm older?

I just want to get fucking wasted to try and feel something.

I'm mediocre at everything I do.

There are days I just want to lay there and wither away.



I want a significant other, I want more friends, I want to know what my life has to offer, I want to go have fun, I want to know who I am.


Don't take this the wrong way, I'm not really selfish or anything along those lines, but I am fed up with how my life is heading and I just hope that college will have something to offer me.

This year's philosohpy

In case I forgot to mention it, I have a completely different view on life, it just so happens that it happened around the new year.

But it's simply, Why not? or as the Skins cast would say, Fuck it.

If I'm thinking saying something I simply will. I told Gil I used to like him, because I've been wanting to tell him for ages, I just didn't have the balls to.

Call it Carpe Diem, or a realization that life is too short, but I'm telling it how it is. I may get hurt in the process we call life but hey, it would have happened anyways, it just allows me more time to live.

If I get rejected, well I get rejected, but I'm not going to mull it over for week months, or even years to do or say something. I would have saved myself time where I could have been living.

If I get accepted, well I will be happier with someone I love for a longer amount of time where I can make more memories with said person.

Fear is a bitch I know, oh I know. But why would I let myself not do anything that I want to do because of fear? I would run over *in a figurative sense* anyone would would stand in the way of my dreams, why would I be a hypocrite and let myself stand in my own way?

I'm going for it. I'm saying things, living life. I'm a happy person, I can play with anyone, talk to anyone.

Which brings me another point. I understand my friends have grudges and such. But I don't live in feudal Europe or work for the world's political system. I will talk and hang out with whomever I want. If my friends can't live with that, fuck them. Yup, you heard me, fuck them. It's their problem not mine. I will fight for them and with them, but they don't get to tell me who I can and can't like. Thank you :)

Before I really just tried to make friends by making them happy, ignoring my own wants and needs. Now, I still care about my friends, but I will not work for their happiness when they don't try. The people who try will get my love, those who don't can go die. :)

Now, I've not turned into bitch, well for some people that is the definition of bitch, because the world revolves around them, but I have just redefined my self worth. I think I deserve as much happiness as everyone else in the world. I've fucked up, oh have I fucked up a million times, but that doesn't mean I should punish myself for the past. My past is my punishing me and I think ruining my high school years is enough punishment for that and more, if you don't go to hell.

Anyways! I've been watching a lot of Skins and yeah, the cursing has gotten to me.

In the spirit of love

AND today will be a very annoying, maybe all gushy, disgustingly amorous, and super gay post! Yay!!!

So okay. I always fear this one question, not "Are you gay?" or "What is the answer to this optimization problem (in Calculus)", but "Who was your first kiss?" or "What was your first kiss like?" With either sex. On the guy side it was pretty shitty.

On the girl side of things... I've never ACTUALLY kissed a girl. But now before you go all HOW THE HELL DO YOU KNOW YOU LIKE GIRLS, bitch how did you know you liked guys before you kissed one, oh yes, I went there. I okay...

I fucked EVERYTHING up with my guy firsts. The first kiss, my first sexual experience, my first having sex, my first everything with guys (minus the crushes) was fucked.

With a girl, I want to do everything right. I want the first kiss to be special, I want to actually have a very amazing emotional connection with a girl. Everything after my firsts can go however, but I really don't want to fuck those up. As long as I buy into the moment I don't care if it may hurt to remember but at least they will have been sweet and "amazing".

With a girl I would totally do everything so fucking sweetly it would be excruciatingly hard to stand the sweetness you might just get diabetes, I kid I kid.

But I really would be so sweet and caring, I would do small little gestures showing that I loved them. I would hold their hands whenever, I would listen to every word she said. I would give her small little gifts showing that I cared every once in awhile, not just valentine's day. I would sneak a kiss in every once in a while to keep things exciting. I would stare into her eyes and tell her I loved her (or really liked her, depending on the stage of our relationship) I would hug her all the time. from behind, unexpectedly, glomping style, romantically, and whenever. I would cuddle with her non-stop, I would say sweet little nothings in her ears. I would kiss her slowly and passionately instead of just with vigor and lust (there is a time and place for that... IN BED, lol) I would tease her to the max I would flirt with her as if we were still trying to find each other.

I would also joke around with her all the time, I would be myself of course, I would jokingly tell her to shut-up when she's not talking, I would create awkward silences between us two, and I would chat her up. I would chase her around and tickle her mercilessly. I would sing to her and hold her.

I would totally never say the phrase 'I would'. We would go out and enjoy each other's company. We will fight about the stupidest things and make up later that day (or the next morning if we fell asleep). I would insult her like I do my best friend and she would insult me back, because we know we are kidding.

I would give her a rose at a random time and place all the time. She would force me to dance with her and I would stubbornly say no, but her persistence would wear me down and I would go out and make a fool of myself with her. I will dance every slow song with her.

Most importantly I would be proud having her be my girlfriend and everyone else could just fuck off.