“I’ve loved you from the first time I saw you. I think I was twelve. It took me three years to pluck up the courage to speak to you. And I was so scared of the way I felt. You know, loving a girl. I learned how to become a sarcastic bitch to make it feel normal. I screwed guys to make it go away, but it didn’t work. When we got together, it scared the shit out of me, because you were the one person who could ruin my life. I pushed you away. I made you think things were your fault. But. Really I was just terrified of the pain.
I screwed that girl Sophia, to kind of spite you for having that hold on me. And I’m a total fucking coward because… (takes tickets out of bag) I got these. These tickets to go for us three months ago. But I, I couldn’t stand…I didn’t want to be a slave to the way I feel about you. Can you understand? You were trying to punish me back and it’s hard. It’s so horrible. Because. Really. I’d die for you. I love you. I love you so much it’s killing me.” -Naomi(Lily Loveless)
Isn't that the most fucking amazing thing ever? I totally would melt. Just fucking melt. I could act this out it's so amazing.
In context it's WAY more amazing. With the tickets and the Sophia things, and the sarcastic bitch and screwing guys. Ah, it was just fucking wow. There were TEARS running down my face when I saw this scene. Considering it was the last episode and only like 10 or less minutes left before the entire fucking series ended and my favorite couple Naomi and Emily were on rocky terms and didn't seem like they were going to make it. And then this. I fucking DIED.
ANYWAYS! It was on my Tumblr wall and I remembered how fucking awesome it was!
My day was pretty lame. But that's not what I wanted to talk about today.
Today I wanted to talk about these thoughts that have been circulating through my mind.
Now I have been trying to get these reoccurring thoughts of cutting and such away for the plain reason that it's something I no longer want to lie about. Well, yesterday, or at least last night I thought.
I'm doing worse in school, my will to learn is shit, but I have a better social life.
Now, when I was cutting or at least entertaining the thought of it, I was doing way better in school, I had more of a drive to learn, but I had a worse social life.
I didn't/don't know if I need to revert for the sake of my school career.
Do I risk my mental stability for my future? Or should I maintain my mental stability and risk my education? It's a major conundrum.
So today I subconsciencely decided that I needed a sign to decide what is what.
Now, I didn't know what this sign from fate was going to be but it would have to be something I would notice.
So today, an old friend and old alumni came to visit my 1st period class for a college class of hers. She reminded me of last year when she believed in me and my physics (which I fucking sucked in) and I had no idea what it meant. Does her story mean that I should maintain my mental stability because I could do something stupid, or was her presence a sign for me to get my education back.
All in all, fate gave me mixed signals and I don't know what to do honestly.
In after school practice, the girl I sit next to is super ADD, and she kept looking at me being bored and picking at random things that were on my arms. Since, I was bored out of my mind. She commented on something about me earlier and I answered her, it was innocent. Now in my mind I kind of wanted her to notice my VERY noticeable scars on the arm closest to her, so I made it easier for her to notice it. Now she never noticed and I realized what I was doing and I stopped it. Then about an hour later she noticed. And it caught me off guard. I turned towards my music, thinking about what to say, (now you can't talk in practice so it had to be a charade) and I decided against the truth and I acted out a cat. She bought it.
I almost cried. Why? Because it was the first time I had lied about it in ages, and ages after I decided ever lying to someone about it ever again. And it just depressed me.
Now tomorrow is Self Harm Awareness day, how am I supposed to take that? AND it's a state testing day, meaning I have nothing to do tomorrow at school.
Do you see what I mean about mixed signals?
In all honesty I think it's just trying to tell me nothing else can make a decision for me, it's time to be a big girl and do it myself.
Ugh.
Stupid life... I made a list (in my mind) during band class today while I did nothing (as usual) of all the things I'd rather be doing. I might post, I dunno, it was quite amusing!
So, that is all. I will see you guys later!
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