My scars are itchy :/

So I'm going through Skins withdrawal. It's bit weird.

I was thinking of what I'm feeling and I was trying to think of an analogy. My band director has converted me into an analogy person, everything has a way to be explained by a more common occurrence or a moral story, or a personal story.

I thought of the feelings when you break up with someone and then I remembered the most painful break up I've had. I've always broken up with my boyfriends(note I've never had a girlfriend) but on the one occasion it wasn't really my choice it hurt like a bitch.

Here is the story of the break up between my boyfriend and I... a little under 3 years ago...

My previous 2 boyfriends were okay. My first boyfriend asked me out on Yahoo IM about an hour after I told him I liked Gil when he asked me. He basically wanted to have sex with me. I won't blame him completely, they were his hormonal instincts but I didn't stop it at all. I was a major tease and ugh, I was big on the whole sexting cybering thing back then. I was awesome at it, not something to be proud of, but I was dirty talk and describing sexual acts were my forte. Anyways, we used to do that all the time. I continued it into our relationship because I didn't want to have sex with, I wasn't ready for that (ironic isn't it? considering I had sex with a boy I didn't like very much months before) so I held him off.

I only let him kiss me once. I was... disgusted. He was walking me to band, which I had after lunch. The set up of the school was like this. There is a large parking lot divided in two by a roofed walking sidewalk I guess, that leads to another building and series of portable buildings. When you are in the main school building the room closest to the exit to the sidewalk thing is the cafeteria. Then when you walk out the band hall is right there, it's connected to the school, but they won't let you walk in through the doors inside the school. So you have this real sidewalk on the side of the parking lot, then a small lawn of grass then a path leading to the band hall which is covered, but it''s hell in the winter. When outside of the band hall you are faced with heavy metal windowless brown double doors.

So he was walking me as usual, oh I should mention I don't really fancy short guys I like shorter girls not guys though, so I'm walking I turn my head to face away from him for whatever reason and then I turn back around and I think he jumped/tippy toed to give me a large disgusting wet kiss. I'm sure he had literally wet his lips to not be chapped.

I'd rather he had kissed me with chapped lips. I was SO insanely pissed off. I passed it off as I was angry because someone could have seen and they don't know me as a person that does sensual or sexual things. A week or so later we broke up.

I didn't like him much, so we had a mutual break up.

My second boyfriend was sweet, hugged SUPER tight and for a REALLY long time, like awkwardly long.

I broke up with him though, we really didn't know each other very well, or at all. It was a weird relationship, nice guy though. He was a sophomore I felt ballin' though when he asked me out XD because I was a fish.

My third and last boyfriend. The one I actually fancied a lot.

I noticed him when we worked firework warehouse together. Me and Fernando(my best friend at the time)were sitting facing the big fireworks wall which also faced the door where people come in (so we would be ready to work, we were the first stop to their shopping experience)

The warehouse is set up as a square with a rectangle in the middle where we sell the smaller fireworks. When you walk in you must take a left turn and go through it clockwise if not it would fuck traffic up. Along the wall where the door is all the giant fireworks are located, like the ones you light and go off for a while. Then when you turn that wall is dedicated to artillery shells, then a door out then the huge artillery shells I believe. Then the next corner are the variety packs. The next corner are the cash registers and the exit. In the middle the side you immediately see is what I work, the smaller flashy fire works, (bottle rockets before they became illegal) and roman candles and the other side of the middle are the little kid toys. I can work that side I just prefer my side.

So were sitting where I work and on the corner between the artillery shells and the giant fireworks was this guy. I wasn't sure who he was, but he was all emo gothy looking. He looked very hot. I really liked how he looked. I was instantly attracted and someone told me he was in percussion I thought that was interesting.

Somehow we talked in the 2 week course where we sometimes saw each other. We talked once and I liked him. BUT he was a sophomore, I thought he was out of my league, and the first guy I was fucked was trying to get me to fuck him in the back. So I didn't try to flirt, but i did a little when I first talked to him XD

Then in the spring after the band banquet he started texting me (I don't even remember how he got my number) and we started going out the next week. I really liked him mind you. But he cut his hair and was really letting himself go, now I was a bit vain back then and I had his image of before that I was insanely attracted to.

I was a bitch back then I must admit. I tried to mold him back to the guy I liked in the winter, and mold his personality into a better one. He was a whiny bitch in all honesty. He was always on the verge of killing himself, he told he me that on a regular basis he had had the kitchen knife to his neck. It was getting a bit old really. Oh! He always got pissy when he would tell me of when someone called him 'emo' because they thought he cut. Now. I was getting sick of it, he was really a pussy back then. But I looked past it. Because I liked him.

Now, before we went out and we talked (on Myspace) he knew I was agnostic and I wasn't religious at all. He knew that. We had an entire conversation about it. So when we started going out I assumed he knew. It was part of the deal. I went out with him mainly because I had sex with a jack ass that wouldn't stop trying to get me to have sex with him again, my first boyfriend only wanted sex and my second relationship revolved around not being alone on Valentine's Day (yeah I know, and here was a nice Christian boy asking me out. Psh.

He was christian, but he tried to suppress his sexual urges when we talked, but eventually we sexted or whatever. I was a bit disheartened. But I liked him so we went on. He felt bad because sex not good before marriage whatever. We got through it. A couple weeks later we were talking and he got on the topic of religion and hinting and talking about how he can't and shouldn't be going out with someone who doesn't believe in God.

I started arguing with him about how it's fine and it shouldn't matter and then I got angry and sad telling him that the bible is stupid and such. We had several fights about it. I told him he knew I didn't believe in God, we had talked about it before.

Keep in mind I really did like him even though he annoyed me. I started telling him that I could try.

I remember we were walking after school(at the other high school), we were going to the band hall and we were walking around the circle (rotunda) and where the rotunda meets the main hallway I stopped him (we were in a kinda argument) and I told him I could try I could become catholic again, and if that would help if that would help. I could try.
He said it didn't matter, my heart wouldn't be in it. It wouldn't matter.

Then I walked angry to the band hall. And I just hung out. I don't even know what the purpose was. Or what I was doing because the memory doesn't make much sense but I remember that memory.

We later had an argument and he said he needed to break up with me and I was angry because it was solely based on religion. But here's the kicker.

He then told me he couldn't break up with me. At first I thought he meant we would still be together. But nope. He couldn't be the one to officially end the relationship, so he asked ME to break up, because he couldn't do it. I was SO FUCKING pissed off and I broke up with him after about an hour of arguing.


That fucked with me, to this day it still fucks with me. I decided after my week of sorrow that it wasn't worth it. Nothing was worth it, feeling was unnecessary so I would just stop. And I did to an extent. Fucked me up though. Fucked me up.


I didn't trust anyone for years. It wasn't worth it. They would just hurt me.

I gave up on working out and trying to look attractive because I din't want the sexual attention I was getting. It wasn't worth it.

Nothing was worth feeling the extreme pain I felt that entire year from summer to summer. I'm sure they have a medical term to describe what I did. I did it though my emotional state was grey. To me at that time and quite awhile afterwards I didn't find emotions worth it, maybe happiness but pain would come afterwards so that was unnecessary.


That is my story of the last boyfriend.


Freshman year was just brutal really.


But I've grown up and my hormonal levels are a bit more normal now. I see more into the future now. I'm much better now. I believe in life and feelings. I can appreciate feelings, I really appreciate feelings. Being numb is just so fucking horrible never do it. That is REALLY not worth it.

I've decided life is worth living, my future memories are worth living for. My future lovers will be worth it. Life is too beautiful to try and destroy it.

I don't have a giant obsession with my self injury and ED like before. They are still on my mind everyday but I choose not to dwell on them because there are much more important things to be thinking about and experiencing.

Hating myself will not get me anywhere in life so why continue hating myself. I can fix what I don't like as life moves on but I'm not going to dwell on my imperfections.


Now, to shift gears. I was watching this interview(omg it feels so good to type right now. I just wrote like 20 texts, in perspective, explaining what I did today and dear jesus were my hands cramped, I have a blackberry and long fingers.) and it was around last valentine's day, so this crazy guy came out singing that song the, 'You're too good to be true' song. And I thought, I would totally sing that song to a girl. It would be a song I would especially learn for a certain girl.

That is today's real post. Not like my Skins spiel earlier.