Lovely

rawr! I want to get a PS3 or PS2, seriously! I am soo tired of not being able to play all these games I hear my friends always talk about, hell, I'll be satisfied with a damned DS. I know! I don't even have one of those!

But eh, I know enough about games, and talking to my friends to discuss video games with them

The one game I ABSOLUTELY love is Oblivion! Makeneva or however you spell it, said they are coming out with a new one this year, or at least soon *insert overly girly squeal here* I'm giddy thinking about it!

My and Br. are planning to write Square Nix or Makeneva, about our idea for a mmorpg! It's great and I really think if they did it, it would get bigger than WOW. XD

I just want to throw that our there before I updated you guys on my life lately XD
Now to go get dressed for school!

Old? Yeah

Okay this is going to be written very fast, because that JTP is literally no close to being dine, sio I'm leaving the typos in, because my hands are shking and I can't hep the typos.

So Yesterday was Relay for life :D it was fun I spent my time with Br, (who accidentally took my wallet) then I hung out with Laura, Tine, and Amanda. That was fun, tha's always fun. I'm sure I walked a good 10 miles by the end of the day, and in all I ran like 1 or 2 of them. So it was tiring. I was there from 6 p.m. to 1 a.m. I was going until 3 a.m. when my dad got home, but we were cut short because of 'rain'. What ev, I was happy to go home and sleep and take a shower, it was really fun though. It was just very physical. lol. And then me and a friend had a poking each other in the stomach fight. And he is a strong guy so he grabbed both my arms, and we stayed at a stalemate for a minute or two. So my arms were SORE.

I was planning on not sleeping in order to do the JTP. But I fell asleep with out knowing it. It's not fair the JTP is the most pointless thing I have to do. And trust me, I've done a lot of pointless things.

SOME DAYS PASS BY...

So yeah, relay for life was awesome! But Br is very much heartless. Like no lie.

JTP IS FINALLY OVER I could seriously cry of happiness.

So AP tests next week, but I haven't asked if I could take it late or not XD this sucks. I kinda want to go to the trip, but I really want to take the test. It's beyond frustrating really. I'm afraid to ask. Because she'll probably say no. So ugh. I'll still ask and expect a no. I'll email her today! Because I'm a chicken XD (It was a no btw)

Hahahaha! I think Technetium is so adorable trying to figure out who I was talking about in the Disney one. Ah... funny

So I spent all of saturday picking out a dress for banquet with Lr and her boyfriend. It was fun but took FOREVER! Which was both our faults, because we found our dresses at the same time, except mine only cost 9.99 XDDD

But yeah, we both had JTP due on Monday. We were both screwed but we had fun XD Ilove my dress, it looks great and it was only 10 dollars!

So um... Yeah... that is what happen between my last post and the post before that one.

Cassie

So this is my 50th post. And this wasn't on purpose, but I just wanted to write about an interesting thing that happen when I was at Disney my freshman year.

As you all know, my friends had much drama the first day, so I changed groups and I added on to this group of kids that I didn't know, like I talked to them the day prior and they seemed happy so that's what we did. So okay, I will name them ABC's, so while hanging out with th ABC's this girl I was hanging out with Ru (there was only 4 of us, including myself) and we talked a lot. She was very cool, a year older than me, but very cool. We were in the Cartoon section of what ever park we were at when we passed this couple, and I have no idea what we were doing, but she (the other 2 people we were with were white) started talking to me in spanish, and she had a low voice, and in spanish it got lower, and she was a good 3 inches shorter than me, and she asked me something, and I couldn't exactly hear her, and Disney World is surprisingly loud, so I just said yeah when she looked at me, and she immediately cheered up. I was like, wtf? But I went with it. Apparently(after putting together context clues that I will tell you guys in a second) she was telling me that she was bi or lesbian, and was asking if I felt the same confusion as her. Ugh, I just let it go on. We were basically attached at the hip, except for when she rode big rides. We had a lot of fun though and she was great to talk to.

Man, they really made Disney the happiest place in the world. But anyways, we talked a lot during those days. And there was this one water ride that was popeyes something, and it's basically getting in like a 6 person tube, and you get wet during specific places especially one, where only two people can get wet every time you go through. And we sat together, she held my hand. And we got a little wet (we rode this like 10 times it's so yeah, it was fun and it was like 95 degrees out) and she got mad the one time I rode with our friend that had the luck to get hit by the huge water drip every single time. Even if she moved seats, it would always hit her, it was hilarious, she was wearing white. So I rode the other 9 times with her, the same everytime.

Then we rode this KICK ASS water ride called dudleys doo ride, or some weird shit like that, but you can't miss it, it's a really tall steep water ride witha humoungous splash that actually soaks you, no matter where you sit. So we rode it, and it deceives you a million times, it's like, OH GOD HERE COMES THE DROP, oh, no, my bad, it was kidding. And then after the 4th time, it's a small drop and then you slowly go towards the light, and you know that this is it. It's the big drop and we had a fucking spaz attack we were screaming and then we get there, and you scream your head off, getting wet as you fall, and then it a HUGE ass wave that shoots up getting you wet and then falls and gets you wet again. It was crazy, we couldn't leave our crap in a lockerm because we didn't know we could, and it was a small log boat. So we were like... OMG MY HOODIE/ELECTRONICS!!! And NOTHING got wet, it was a Disney miracle. But our clothes were soaked, we all went into the restroom and removed our shirts and dried ourselves and then only put our hoodies on (i think it was technetiums idea, I can't remember) and it was like dry off shirt squeeze!!!! okay... I think most of the water is out now, (a minute later) okay, there's still water sqeezing out) it was awesome.

I know Ru enjoyed it though. lol, because she didn't have a jacket. XD So yeah, I warmed her alot. Because she was my fried XD

Now mind you, I thought the whole thing was SOOO awkward, but looking back on it, I could have done anything if I was open with myself. Ah, stupid freshman self! I was single back then too! XD that like 2 months I wasn't with anyone XDDD

But yeah. It was awesome, but me and Ru no longer are in contact since she quit, I've tried to talk to her again, but she is never online. I miss her company we were very alike. Except the whole thing that she's a Christian, and I (was an) agnostic back then.

So what compelled me to write this blog? As my 50th blog post? Which was total coincidence.

Well, I'll tell you why. I was listening to Flyleaf as I was doing my homework (which I didn't even get close to finishing) and it automatically reminds me of her, because that is what we first bonded over. Ah, I miss her.

Oh! Darling

So I was going to put this on private but I changed my mind. I'm not going to change what I write in here, who I write about, or sugar coat the truth just because I know who's reading this.

So everything is still the same. From the last post. Except what made me want to delete this blog.

Okay, so you guys know I've been writing in this blog for ever now. And I haven't lied about anything and I've given my point of view to everything.

Now imagine how I felt when I found out Thorium had been reading my blog for the past two to three weeks, and Technetium gave him the link to this. And imagine how angry I was when I found him asking me questions (before he told me) that felt like reading comprehension quiz. Because they were things that one would easily know from reading this, so basically he was grading my honesty. And now last but not least how pissed off do you think I was when I was the one who sent him a message apologizing, for something that was bad but it was not completely my fault and getting no apology back (not that I was expecting him to have changed at all), out of the blue scared out of my mind because I didn't know how he would react. Do you know how terrified I was? But I have to learn how to be comfortable when I'm uncomfortable. And he read my entire blog and he knew EXACTLY how I fucking felt, and yet there was NO contact from him 3 FUCKING WEEKS PEOPLE! I just don't understand. I mean, if he really wanted to, he could have just sent me what he felt. My message was 2 sentences long. I understand that he was scared, but how does he think I felt?

So yeah, I was angry and I went Gamma Bros and GTA San Andreas crazy. I killed a lot.

So I know this friendship between me and Thorium is new and all, and is meant to be awkward. But he doesn't understand how I've changed. He still expects me to become easily angered and that I'm trying to fight him at every point, honestly even when we fought before I wasn't even saying fighting words, or even hinting at me wanting to fight. He is just as responsible as I am for our fights.

Thorium told me that he felt attacked and that I was proposing unrealistic situations. I really don't see how he could feel like that, oh! And that he was trying to calm me down so we could stop fighting. Um. If I do recall, it was him doing all the attacking. I'm pretty sure I even told him I was having a shit day. If he's read this he should know I found out my best friend from long ago that I knew had bulimia and I felt helpless that I couldn't find a way for her to see that she is beautiful just as she is/was, was in the hospital because of her disease, and I didn't know how she was, and I was just so emotionally dead and that he was already not catching me in a good mood. I do remember him telling me about his dream getting mad that I didn't offer to translate his dream (which I couldn't do either way) and then I was short with him during my Physics tutorials (which really put me in a bad mood, because he was making it way more complicated that necessary, the teacher) and then he was just beginning to start fights. He asked me to fix his tone or something through text, and I told him, it's not possible through the phone. Apparently he believed that there's only one way to play the flute correctly. There isn't and I'm a mind reader and can tell exactly whats wring with him, then he just started arguing with me as I tried to not fuel his fire. Now, MAYBE he 'tried' to stop the argument at the end of his message after he gave his side of the argument, and expected me not to get angry after a while.

I mean Lithium read the messages, she agreed with me, so idk who's right.

But anyways, I have changed. I'm an open person. I don't plan to hide what I feel about anything anymore. I know how to control my emotions today, like when I have to strongest urge to grab something and smash it against the wall a million times to get my anger out. I have a different personality and it kind of annoys me that people that I talk to often don't understand that. I don't argue, and especially the fact that I AM ABLE TO SEE BOTH SIDES. I'm not close minded, I see the reasoning of both/ more people's side of an argument or why people do things. I don't think people remember, I wanted to be a psychologist, not necessarily because I liked listening to people's problems, but because I can read people, and I can see things other people just pass by. So if I were you, my oh so dear friends, I would trust me.

That's almost like the whole "Are you okay?" Thing. It gets annoying.

Oh and yes, I am mad a Technetium. But not very. She is more of a victim. She was stuck in between, me the now understanding one, and the one that would persecute her worse than Hilter did the Jews. So I am only slightly angry at her.

Oh, what made me angry at Thorium after I began to calm down, was that I told him I wouldn't be able to see Technetium for a while. And he automatically assumed it was because I was tired of her telling me about her and Yt, I mean, she rarely speaks about that to me, so if you do the psychology (common sense) on that, he is sick of it. I am pretty sure he hasn't changed. That should bother me more, but I don't know the friendship is still new.

And it's not like he has a blog that could do all the work for me. I really hate that he is using this as his cliff notes, instead of reading the real book.

Now, school was boring. I was dead tired all day, but I got through it. Tomorrow and Saturday are going to be a bitch. Junior Theme Project and the Relay for Life Cancer thing. I have a Leadership party thing tomorrow too, so just kill me now.

AH! I'm taking the U.S. History AP exam! This sucks! I have no idea what to schedule now. This sucks.

Rawr, okay. So, that's it.

Oh I love House XDDD

Okay. So I've decided to keep this blog open, but I'm still angry, and frustrated.

To whom it may concern,

This blog is now compromised. Now, if you wish to know more about me, well you'll have to learn it the old fashioned way. I'm sad to say this will be the last update on this public blog, and I will change it to private. For you who don't know me personally you can ask me for my other blog that I started a week or so ago.

I enjoyed writing this blog. Thank you for reading, but you guys will no longer be able to read what I think. I will continue to blog and write but just not here, at least not publicly.

Thank you for reading, this is me signing off.

Elidee P.

I Want To Hold Your Hand

Okay. So yesterday, I opened this page up and I was planning to write, but I got incredibly sleepy (which I will explain in a second) and I decided not to. And let's just say, a lot of different things happened from when I fell asleep (the first time) and this very moment in time.

So beginning with yesterday. I was so tired it was ridiculous. I couldn't stand it. I had some fun with some friends for like 20 minutes near the mini (I mean, not even a foot wide) creek that goes through the college (they were observing things before I got there) and we talked and hung out and laughed, good times. So I went to the stupid Tue. UBMS thing that I have to go to every week. So I wasted 2 hours there, but it was with Hydrogen, so it was fun, then she left and me and Sodium and we talked about what she wanted to do with her life, and I told her I supported her 100% and I will donate to all her ideas (starting with www.parttimeforpoverty.wordpress.com ) I'm starting with that, it's awesome. She hasn't posted what it is yet, because she hasn't made it an actual non-profit organization yet, but I support her. And I become wealthy, I'm first going to provide a small house somewhere for me, maybe a two story, if not a 3 or 4 bedroom House (Okay, so a medium house) and buy the few things I really want/need, then I'm going to buy a mansion (yes, a HUGE one) and I'm going to make it a foster adoption agency thing. I mean, they deserve to have things to. I will renovate it and everything. I will provide for the upkeeping and have some great people work there. And the rest I shall give to different charaties, along with Sodium's (she wants to combine the Children's Museum, Six Flag, and the Zoo, all in one and design everything her self, or at least contribute for the most part.) idea, which I support. Yeah, I'm going to be a philantropist. I can't help it. I don't need money to stay happy, but if it makes other people happy, I will give my money away to different things to help make hundreds of thousands of people happy. I really don't money corrupts people, so I will not give hand outs, but allow people the opportunity to help themselves.

Okay, so after that I had a half a cup of extra strong coffee and (which I downed in like 2 minutes as I bought) a hot chocolate. Because I was that kind of tired where you can just fall down and die. It energized me! For an hour. And then I crashed. Which is when I opened this window up.

So I crawled into bed while texting Technetium. And I continued texting her, because I wasn't planning to fall asleep. So I decided now was as best a time as ever. Because I was very happy yesterday, and I was feeling strong and confident. to text Thorium, because it was half my fault, so according to my Leadersip manual and the section where it teaches you how to apologize, it says that you should be sincere and only promise things you will change, and that just because you apologize doesn't mean they will. And that I shouldn't expect that of them. So keeping that (and a lot of other things in mind) I apologized, I sent something along the lines of "I'm sorry. I know I was a shit friend, and I just need you to know I'm sorry." So I sent it, scared shitless, I sent it after I made sure it was perfect (because it was longer originally) I texted Technetium some more and I fell asleep after a while. I was woken up by my mother because I had homework, so she complained and I didn't move but I shooed her away, I looked at my phone and I had gotten another text from Technetium I replied (I think) and fell asleep again. This time I lied to my mother when she woke me up and I told her I finished my homework and she let me be. I turned off everything and I looked at my phone. Thorium had replied. And I was so scared to look at it. It said something along the lines of "My god I missed you. I have to ask you something. What is it that I did that messed what we had up?" Okay, so that's exact because I couldn't remember exactly what he sent. But I was shocked, but I fell asleep. I pretty much dreamed every single scenario that could happen

I woke up thinking how pissed off I would be if it were all a dream. I found my phone, and it turns out I never closed off that message. So I was greeted by that message, but I couldn't figure out what to reply. I was honestly scared. No, that's not the word, I was PETRIFIED at the fact that I was talking to him. So I talked to him in the morning, I actually AVOIDED him in the morning I went to class and avoided the band hall, and I was panicking. I stalled SO LONG to go to Music Theory because I knew I had to see him. So I went and I spoke to Unununium about it as I walked her to class. I SAW MR. SEXY!!!! And yeah, he is sexy. He has that face that with one look can make you melt. Ah... Mr. Sexy...

Okay, but after the going gaga for Mr. Sexy, I went back to panicking I went in right before class started so I we couldn't talk. He wrote me something on our boards, and it broke the ice. And we talked a bit going to class. He told me to look him the eye while he talked! Because he could tell I was avoiding it. It was awkward! I'm sorry! It took every bit of my will power to stop trying to see him during my several classes with him. I've tried so hard. I don't know if he realizes it. But I'm not going to tell him. If he asks I might, but I'm not going to tell him I've been a wreck after our friendship fell through, and that I just barely began to get over it. And that it was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life, including stopping cutting. It's not because I'm afraid of seeming weak, but I'm afraid of seeming too attached.

I really did miss him. But I have several other friends that I can confide in. So I think if this does happen again, I won't be so broken.

So, I really wanted to go to Lithium's house with her today. She was really broken up today. I wanted to be there for her, but I didn't know if my fathers truck was fixed yet. So I couldn't I was furious.

Rawr, I have to start my Junior Theme Project XP

rawrrrrrrrrrrr

I tried telling him once. I remember we were walking and we were horseplaying and he slammed me against the lockers (no this was not unusual) with my fat ass backpack on. And he pinned me there, and he just looked at me and I was incredibly close to him because of my back pack, because I'm pretty sure that wasn't his initial plan, we were in the middle of a game of 'I'm going to win' so I was in the process of trying to win but just the feeling that encased me was crazy. It was like you could feel the chemistry. And after maybe 3 to 5 second (which felt like hours) I pushed him away. And he took it as a win, I honestly didn't care anymore, we went to class after that, and after much speculation I decided to take my chances and tell him what it felt like, because later that day we were discussing the game, and he used the whole well it took you long enough to oush me off. So a week after that conversation, I told him that I thought I knew the answer to his question. And I told him, it's because it didn't feel wrong. Like okay, you know you feel really awkward being that close to several people, because we were crazy close (stupid backpack) and he said he knew what I meant, but I chickened out and I said something else. Idk. I was just thinking about it. No, I'm not going to hint or even say who 'he' is. It's just something I needed to get out of my mind.

So I'm super tired, so I'll make this short.

I was very happy today, but I got very anxious and fidgety after 4th period before munch, thanks to my hyped up friend sitting next to me, she made me anxious and the rest of the day I went crazy. I did decent on my physics test, I am failing English badly. I am still sad when I think or see Thorium (even when I was in a hyped mood) I really am trying, and I've improved, but 17 years old and I want to make a new chapter in my life. It's not my fault that he was a really great friend and I really don't want to give up on that option. It went away a long time ago, but one can hope.

That's my day in a nutshell!

:D

Okay, so I have realized I've really given a one sided story about Thorium. Honestly he's not that bad. Well, actually yeah he is, but it only overshadows his good traits by a little. So I'm going to use this post as a Thorium isn't a COMPLETE douche bag.

So okay. We first met in 6th grade, he was friends with Br(my first friend I made in 6th grade) and Yt. So I had to know him. He was in my P.E. class along with Br, and we hung out a lot in that class (since we rarely did anything in there). We used to talk, and we had 'deep' conversations while Br was running off somewhere because he threatened her or something fun like that (he was very violent, he even strangled one of our friends in our Encounters class)

We became okay friends, but we couldn't really expand our friendship considering he had no cell phone, no IM, and no real communication other than the house phone. And me and mexican parents don't get along. Because I never know whether or not to say "Hello?" or "Hola?" Because they'll get pissed if I say Hello and speak in English, or they get mad that I assumed they don't know English.

So we went to different middle schools. And we were pretty much out of touch the entire time. From what people I had more contact with at the other middle school, I heard that Thorium went bi, and turned this guy every girl was in love with. He pretty went out with everyone and their momma at that middle school. Crazy. But eh. What ever, he had a lot of problems that I won't post one here that he was dealing with.

So we got into high school, and we were friends we were happy to see each other again, as he was with everyone he hadn't seen in forever. Now we talked in band camp before high school, and if you do recal that is when I went total cutter with a splash of ednos and major issues. So he did see one of my more careless cuts on my thigh and was like, wtf (he didn't say anything like that I just know that's what he was thinking)? And I was really just shocked. Because I didn't notice it was bleeding, and he did and went to see what it was. And I couldn't really say anything, because, honestly, no one had seen, and I wasn't expecting anyone to see. And he looked at me and said something like "Stop" along with something else, I honestly don't remember. But it was no different between us, I just think he was confused, but understood. That's as far as I 'm going with that.

So he was still sort of a man whore in high school in 9th grade, but eh. He was still dealing. We were just acquaintances back then. In tenth grade I was sick of my friends. They really were not there for me at all. They were just like. Oh, I'm sorry. And that was the extent of it. I was fed up with them. So I just wandered around in 10th grade talking to a lot of people. And me and Thorium began to talk a bit more, because he wasn't one of those people that had let me down, actually he did in his own few words helped me stop cutting, well, as bad as I was. So I felt a sort of thankfulness with him. That was horrible sentence structure! Sorry! But yeah, we talked, he went out with people I knew. We talked a little more, and we became good friends. We did tether here and there, but every friendship does, so no biggie. Then at the end of that year, we became way better friends as we IMed a lot and we learned a lot about each other, I opened up a lot (which I never ever do.) I just never do, it's not my nature I'm going to change. I need to, I know that. I'm basically being forced to with leadership. I was already planning to anyways. But yeah.

He is actually very sweet. He is very much adorable. You can talk to him about anything and he won't judge. He will tell you anything truthfully, he won't sugar coat it. But he won't tell you anything when you're down. He's the type of friend that would go to you if you have a problem. And you feel really safe around him. He's really a good friend. He just doesn't know when to shut up, or what not to say. And how to talk to people. And he really hates the male race. But he is the person that will be there. So he will try his best to make you feel better when you feel bad.

So that's Thorium. He is no longer a man whore, but I'm not sure how serious he is about his current girlfriend.

This may be very choppy I'm frustratedly talking to my cousin. She likes this guy and it's so FRUSTRATING! You have no idea. I'm yelling at her. I am very frustrated at her. I'm going to kill her. I swear, I am going to kill her. Kill her. You don't understand kill her.

KILL HER.

Leadership training yesterday was cool. Long, but cool.

Oh, today was my birthday. fun.

Bye!

Stupid

So I consider today, a success!!! There were like 10 people who asked me why I wasn't talking (I spoke through my vibrant actions) and I told them (by writing it down) why. And almost all of them were like, wow! I want to do that! So next year, I have a feelining it'll be bigger and better :D

I did cheat here and there, but only with people whom I never EVER get to talk to (I had a feeling they would all talk to me today) It was fun though. MY MEDICAL TERMINOLPGY TEACHER WASN'T HERE TODAY!!! I almost cried! Me and Br hugged for a good minute in happiness! We were going to have a test in there too. I was sooo happy.

Lunch was okay, boring since we couldn't talk (Technetium and Yt did it too) and only Br talked, that annoyed Technetium, though, I'm not really sure why. But it was the good pizza! It was a good day!

And then band came! And it was great, we played Vesuvius by Frank Tichelli (I've loved that song since 10th grade, or 9th, whenever we tried to play it). I was happy. And my friends are going to the band trip so yay! No longer me and Lithium only! But, then Martinez decided she wanted to talk with us. And I was like crap. She brought the big chair to the podium and moved the stand out of her way, and she said it wasn't going to be that big of a deal (which we all know, means it's going to be a big deal) And she told us, she had always wanted to start a family, and that she loved us, and that she wanted to tell us first because we were like her babies and she wanted us to hear it directly from her and not by word of mouth. And she told us she's not going to be here next year because she wants to start a family and doesn't want to leave in the middle of next year because that's always tough on bands. I'm not going to lie, I teared up and a few tears fell later in class. Then I calmed down. But just the thought of it you know? She's been my band director since freshman year. I still remember when I was a fish and she would come in front of me and yell left right and tell me the step outs when I couldn't get them down. I remember not liking her, but she's taught me a lot that I know now she's helped me grow as a person and musician. Goforth is inspiring and all, but I've had Martinez as my teacher in band class since 9th grade and I really can't believe she's leaving. It's like that one friend that you care for a lot and really means a lot to you and they move schools. It's that same feeling of loss. She honestly can't be replaced. And I'm going to hate her replacement. It's crazy. I totally cried on the bus just thinking about it. We used to talk about her leaving those days we were tired and frustrated, but ugh! If I weren't being moved up to wind ensemble next year I would be horrible to the new guy. I'm glad shes going to get something she's wanted for a long time, but she couldn't have waited until we graduated! I mean! The year is almost over. Only a few more months with her. Why did she wait until after UIL to tell us! We would have worked so much harder if we had known. She just can't leave, she can't. Who the hell is going to yell at us during fundamentals or tell us we aren't ready. I'm sorry I don't care how good the new guy is, I want Martinez. Ugh stupid lady.

I don't even know why I'm this upset. I don't know why she means so much to me, it just does.

Ugh. So that's my day. I have to finish my environmental science course now, and if I finish early enough I'm going to kill people on GTA San Andreas and relieve my stress and anger.

rwar

Le rawr. Don't even get me started on his status today. "i know you better than you will ever know me." and "i'm tempted to call you and tell you everything" yes a two-fer. And I haven't seen any lyrics like that.

So things are easier with me now. I mean yeah it sucks like hell. But I am doing my best to just forget, and continue forgetting. Because if I don't forget I won;t be able to let it go. Problem is, that I don't WANT to forget, it was seriously the best friendship I've ever had. The other guys kind of have sucked as friends.

So we have this band field trip coming up that we really have been looking forward to since last year. And NO ONE IS GOING. Me a Lithium were POed. She didn't get to go to Disney with us, so this would make it up, but most of our friends don't want to pay for it. So it's SUPER LAME. I'm still going and Lithium still wants to go, but no one is going, so that's lame. And I know everyone, so it won't be a remake of the Disney trip (long story short, my friends were making the happiest place in the world, NOT the the happiest place in the world, I went with this other group of people and we became good friends and I learned a lot from them) So ugh. This sucks, and is stupid. I hate life. swear man!

Um... Apparently the class that was affecting whether or not I would take AP Music Theory was that my counselors put me in a livestock class, wtf? Seriously wtf. Why the hell do we even HAVE a livestock class. We live in HOUSTON, a super crazy urban city, we aren't in the middle of no where guys! Stupid. Bendorf willl fight though.

I want Thorium and I to be friends again UGH! It's like I imagine happiness and I imagine talking to Technetium about what ever the topic is that week, and I imagine NO HOMEWORK, and I imagine talking to Thorium at school, and every where else like usual talking, laughing, smiling, just general happiness. I mean, ugh. It's killer. It may not seem like it reader, but I really am trying.

At school I'm am such a cold person near him! I ignore him, I avoid his gaze, his figure, his face, everything. I just avoid it. And I never acknowledge him. And a lot of people never talk to him when he's around. So, yeah. I know I act very cold. But I tried the whole normal approach, and lets just say I got very sad on the inside.

So acting angry towards him at all times is helping me. So he probably thinks I hate him. Which I should, but I can't hate him. It's too effing hard.

Um... You guys know that song 'What Hurts the Most' by rascal flatts, (I have no idea what they are called now that I think about it) or the other version of it by that chick. I know I suck at this name thing. But that is almost exactly what I feel. Almost. But man, and to make things no better, Cyanide and Happiness (which is something Thorium introduced me to) has depressing comic week this week. rawr. God, I want to hate him

(Please take in account that I do not believe in God, so do not take offense to me swearing or using his name in vain or whatever else you would take offense in me using it's name)

i love scotish comedians

Coco has a new show! yay! But I don't have the channel. aw...

Yeha, my punctuation and such as gone out teh window. i really don't feel like trying all that hard to finish this. I'm exhausted. and I have UIL tomorrow, that sucks. I wish today were Friday.

Oh bla di oh bla da

OMG TECHNETIUM DOESN'T LIKE THE BEATLES! That's crazy talk!

I think that's it. So, I'll say my good byes now, and cross your fingers for me not the update about Thorium again

Holmium was back at school today btw. He was sick the past few days. I've meant to text him,, but I always forget XD and I'm a flaky texter.

And yes, I still like Dysprosium and I am trying very hard to not crush on Cesium. But Dysprosium is slowly fading away (just not fast enough) and Cesium is being suppressed, because that's really not a friendship I don't want to destroy, especially because it could probably actually happen. Cesium is always open to everything, person needs to find themselves! Dysprosium has to go away, because that's NEVER going to happen unless fate takes a crazy turn, which it won't. I never like people younger than me, so that's really weird XD

Um... So NOW I take my leave.

bleh

such a lonely day. and its mine.... its a day that i cant stand. lyrics about my day. 10 points if you can tell me what it is.

I'm pretty sure he's just trying to make me hurt now. That was his status for the day. Seriously. I mean what the fuck. Today during lunch I felt so sick. Like just being near him sucks. So, I found out, that if I pretend that we are still friends and just not being given the chance to talk on at lunch, things hurt a lot less, except when he asks a question then I have to restrain myself. It really sucks. Ugh. I hate it. I really hate it. Why the hell can we just be friends? It's fucking Lonely Day by System of a Down. I can't believe he used that. Seriously. I want to just reply to him. Stupid kid. He makes me angry.

DOS on Friday ahh!!!

I JUST MADE A 100 ON MY ENVIRONMENTAL SCIENCE MIDTERM! HELL YEAH!

Haha, um... I think that's all. Today was lame, as every other, with high lights here and there.

grawr

HE IS THE ONE WHO BROKE THE FRIENDSHIP! I FOUGHT FOR IT FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE THAT DAY BUT HE'S THE ONE WITH THE

i stumble my life away. tired. "it'll get better. maybe not now, but it will."

STATUS! WHY WON'T HE JUST LET ME BE? DOES HE NOT UNDERSTAND THAT EVERYDAY I DON'T TALK TO HIM KILLS ME ON THE INSIDE? EVERYDAY I DON'T MAKE HIM SMILE EVERYDAY I CAN'T MAKE HIM LAUGH OR WE CAN'T LAUGH TOGETHER?! DOES HE NOT GET THAT?! BECAUSE I FUCKING MISS HIM BUT HE'S THE ONE THAT DIDN'T WANT THE FRIENDSHIP, HE HAS NO FUCKING RIGHT! HE CAN'T BITCH I WAS HIS FRIEND! I TRIED! AS MUCH AS I MAY HAVE SUCKED I'M 100% SURE I WAS BETTER THAN ALMOST ALL THE REST BECAUSE HE WAS 100% BETTER THAN EVERYONE I KNEW AT THE TIME.

Fuck man! He makes me so pissed off and depressed when I see things like that from him. Does he not get it? He cut his hair, I yelled at him for ages about his unruly hair, there better be a reason, because then all that cancer stuff he said was total bs (he wanted to grow out his hair and donate it). Ugh, swear he isn't making it easier, every time I think he's doing better he pull some shit like that. I fucking swear man. I'm fucking enraged. As you can see I'm fucking cursing every other fucking sentence, but I can't fucking help it, I just fucking pissed off. I mean seriously! What the fuck?! I'm googling it to see if they are lyrics or a poem, but what the hell. I have a right to be pissed, I was at least WILLING to try and save the friendship, he just fucking gave up and argued with me until I couldn't stand it anymore.

Only he can get me this pissed off, and that pisses me off. He can get every extreme of my emotions to surface with just the very thought of him and his fucking smug face. I fucking hate high school, I can't wait to get away stop eating shitty food and go vegetarian meet new people who will like me for who I am and I don't have to fucking pretend to be anyone. And a clean slate. I can't wait.

Man, if he were to find this blog I'm pretty sure it would piss him off.

So I talked to Tungsten the other day through text, and we had a maybe 4 message conversation, and I''m pretty sure Thorium has talked trash about me, because she reacted how I suspected.

Well, I've talked trash about him, but it just happens that his trash is all his personality and basically reassuring everything my friends already knew about his character.

Ah! Day of Silence is only days away! I can't wait!!! It'll be awesome! I'm running out of black ink XD that sucks, I need to get some more, maybe on Saturday when I'm going home.

Seriously, I'm pretty sure he doesn't know that I miss him a lot.

Ah! So today I was leaving the band hall and Holmium was outside and I was about to run to the car (where my mother did not tell me she was there already) but my mom hadn't seen me yet, she was too engrossed in her book, and I went back and hugged him, like I always do, he met me like an 8th of the way (I love his hug btw, even before I developed a crush on him) and he asked me if I was leaving, and I said yeah, and he looked a bit sad and slightly pouted (in a non-obvious way) and I was like Aw!! I feel bad for leaving now! lol, but I left and that was my interaction with him today, excluding the morning hug he always gives me before class.

Hm... Band was killer, my mouth was dead afterwards, and the chick next to me SUCKS, I hate having someone sitting next to me, stupid Director, the stupid row didn't have to be even. Stupid, now I can never tune with Steph. next to me when we play (like I always used to do) and then she always plays so loud and ugly and long and out of tune during every song, it's so frustrating. Because she is a major reason why we have a sucky tempo, stupid people like her who don't know on what side of a beat to play on. That's why my band sucks, because of people like her who don't give a shit and don't think it's ever okay for them to be in a lower band or play second part because they are so "good" swear. I hate people like her. I can't wait until I get to whip our section in to shape. rawr!

Um... I believe that's all., Oh my week is going to be hell. Fun...

I'm just going to ask him, it's really killing, I need to know why. I need to know why, is that so much to ask?

OMFG IT'S ONLY BEEN A MONTH AND A HALF! WHAT THE HELL! IT FEELS LIKE IT'S BEEN MONTHS SINCE ME AND THORIUM BECAME NOT FRIENDS.

DOS

Rawr! So, I can't believe I had a field trip today. That's mad! It was a college fair, and BTW no good school was there, except Dartmouth and Rice, but come on, Rice is like in that same city, so that doesn't count! My group did get along with the Quinnipiac University representative, she was super nice! And compared to her really skinny body, she had really big eyes, it's crazy, really. Yesterday I had English AP tutorials, and guess who I saw, yup Thorium, but I was two rows away from him (thank god) and I resisted the urge to turn around and see how he was doing. I am trying my best to forget him and get over it, but I know I'm never going to forget him completely. He was to good of a friend and it's not just something you can forget, especially when EVERYTHING reminds you of that person. So yeah.

I can't wait until April 16! Day of Silence! I made my version of the the card they sell to explain why I'll be silent! It's awesome. It came out great on paper. I should sell them XD

It's speaks in more than one way. The only thing I don't want to do is think, when I'm quiet I tend to think a lot. I'll write, that's what I'll do, instead of thinking. That works.

I have nothing really, else to say. So bye!

Today.

Okay so today started off GREAT! I loved the day, I was actually HAPPY. Even in english when I got my progress report and it said 47, I was still happy, it didn't dampen my mood at all. Theory was fun, as always I actually laughed a true laugh in there. Everything was great! Holmium wasn't here today so eh, but anyways. I was walking to third period as happy as could be, and guess who comes walking towards me? Tungsten does! And I was like awesome! Today is totally a happy day! I haven't talked to her that much since Thorium and me split. What she does though, is avoid eye contact with me, look beyond me gives me the Grand Theft Auto game I let Thorium borrow forever ago and walks off with as much as a hello in my direction. I knew it, I knew she wasn't going to like me after the issue between me and her boyfriend. But seriously, I looked at it after she gave it to me, because I had no idea what it was, I saw it and it was the game. So I was hurt by how Tungsten acted, but I saw the game and it was like a sharp pain attacking my heart. That was the only thing he still had that was mine.

I had it and I tried to stuff it in my back pack but it didin't work, I tried again and I was just surging with pain, anger, sorrow, and saying good bye to the reminants of my happiness. I slammed it in my back pack not knowing what else to do. I controlled my self as I walked up stairs, I didn't know what had just really happened but all I felt was that pang in your chest and my stomack dropping all at once I wanted to throw up and cry all at once. I didn't do either though. I was holding back tears the entire walk up the stairs I was taking deep breaths and trying to understand what I was feeling, i was on the brink of tears honestly, I totally blew off Br, (who always walks into my Pre-Cal class and gives me a hug) and I et her hug me for like 2 seconds then I took her off and I went to get a calculator, she was a decent distractor, I was trying really hard to be distracted to not think, because I walked into class and I was going to get something out of my backpack and I saw teh game and I almost lost it I pushed teh damned thing farther into my backpack and closed it again. Then she left for her class9which is right next to mine) and Lithium and kid walked in, I was like a god, I need to think but I'll cry if I think, I don't want them to see that, I don't want to do that. I just decided to distract myself and talk a lot to them and finish my leadership form (which I did) and then I just talked, but when Teacher taught kid listened and Lithium moved to talk to the black people in my class. So I was left to my thoughts, I fought off tears the entire time I was in that class. I felt like pure shit. I couldn't stand it, Thorium was in the next room.

I was just... sad. I don't even know what it symbolised, hope maybe? of us being friends again? I don't even know. And then I started thinking of giving him back the thing he gave my and Lithium that he got at a convention to put on our phones, but Litium lost hers and my and Thorium just kept the ones we had. I thought of giving it to him, thinking things like, (it's broken btw) putting it in his locker with a mote saying something like "I'm giving it back, as I guess as symbolism for our friendship. When it was breaking we began to distance ourselves, and then it fell and you and I weren't the same. So here it's back broken, like our friendship" Maybe just that last sentence, and I was seriously fighting off the tears that were threatening to fall.

The next stupid 3 classes with him, so in History I was really attempting to ignore him, which is honestly hard. Then I had LUNCH with him, I sat across from him (at our circular table) and I really had to resist looking at him, I wasn't even hungry, I had no appetite at all. I force fed myself half the pizza then the nausea went away for a little so I just shoved the rest of it down my throat. I wasn't hungry at all. I just wanted to crawl into a corner and cry. In pre- cal I needed something to forget so I did the next best thing (in my screwed up mind) and I made light marks in class. It helped a bit. So physics was okay, I distracted myself with a bunch of work. I did a lot.

So, it just hurts. A lot. It's pretty much worse than before. I think I'm going to load the game and kill people. That should relax me. bye guys. I'm not going to look for the typos, so sorry if you find any, I am reliving it in my mind all the time every single bad thing that has happen, actively. So yeah. I'm just tired. Really tired. He''s probably going to be there tomorrow too, I just don't know guys. It was finally getting easier, I actually thought things were going to get better, so much for my optimism, I'm just going to take it day by day. It's really all I can do. Like I said, happiness is only lived for a short amount of time.

Curl

I'm exhausted XP

I spent all after school at my old Chem teachers room grading this annoying paper, I graded harsh though XDDD I'm glad Robo (my teacher) allows me have my way with their grades. It was something extremely easy, and it was separated into 3 parts, and they should have gotten the entire problem right, so if they got something wrong, I counted the whole thing wrong so basically, if they missed one, they got a 70, if they missed two, a 40, and 3 a zero or 10, it doesn't really make much of a difference at that point. But yeah, I got hours, two capri suns, cheetos, and an air head out of it, so it was good. I'm still tired though. I haven;t done anything this week, mostly because emotionally I've been DRAINED and that just causes me to feel it physically, now I remember why I hated emotions, see I'm not crazy!

Today I have been relatively happy, it weird actually, I didn't feel that usual pain when I look at Thorium. It;s the first day that's ever happen, but then again I haven't looked him in the face, I'm pretty sure I'm not ready for that, but I am improving, hopefully it isn't a one day thing. But... OH! I found shiny! I fixed my jacked up chair and I'm finally working on my desk again, and I found shiny in the process!!! I was so happy and shocked, I honestly couldn't believe it! It sincerely made my day! Not even the insensitivity of my friends brought me down! I really hope it's not a one day thing, because happiness is one of those things you never ever have all the time.

So I'm trying out for flute section leader, but the process is starting now. It's so lame but I don't. I think i'm ready for it, I hope I make it, I'm not sure if I will or not. Of course I'll act extremely confident, but I'm not sure at all XD I can only think of the bad.

I swear!!! I really am an optimist at heart!!! I am just very negative and realistic! As I was telling my cousin the other day, I don't believe in faith. I had faith when I was younger, and that ended up being total bull shit. So I don't believe it, I encourage others to have it if they believe in it. I may be an atheist and really determined about what I believe in, but I never bash others beliefs unless they ask me something about it, or they really are just idiots and judge others religions, and even then it's not really bashing, but informing. I really try hard to not actually express my true feeling about it, and I've pretty much succeeded 80% of the time, and the other 20% is pretty much a watered down version of what I actually think.

No lie! If I pass English this semester I'll be beyond happy. I now have a 38 in the class. I'm really nervous, yet I'm not doing anything to fix it, I really should, but I didn't do it because I didn't want to, so yeah. Idk, I'll basically need a 100 next six weeks to get a decent semester average.

Um... I still haven't continued on my story. Idk when I'll actually work on it, I'm pretty exhausted at the moment, I'll try drinking ice cold water, but some how, I doubt that'll work. I'll try today. I'm doing Environmental science this saturday and sunday. I think I'll finish it. I better finish it, I need the next week for Junior Theme Project, even though we have a week extra, I don't want to chance anything.

I am yawning beyond belief right now, so I'll leave this post as is, considering the day is basically over and nothing interesting will happen.

Loretta Young Silks

“ sometimes i wish people would know me a little better. school gets lonely.”

WHAT THE FUCK MAN!!! I’m trying my hardest to forget him, but damn. What the hell. Thorium wrote that as a status update on his facebook. Wtf? What am I supposed to think? At least he said lonely, but loneliness and happiness don’t exactly go hand in hand. Ugh… I hate school.

Oh today, I was at lunch right? So I’m in line with my back against the wall, and guess who I see? Of course, Thorium, and I turn another way immediately before I even start thinking anything OTHER than shit, I see Actinium. Someone whom I also don’t want to see considering he won’t stop begging and texting, even though I’ve ignored him since a week or two after me and Thorium fell through. I even said it aloud, “I swear! I can’t look anywhere anymore!” My friend asked what I meant but the conversation took a turn and began immediately after the question.

I was pissed off though, because after I walk out of the line, I see my table immediately and I see my friend whom I always sit next to, with a gap on both her side, one between her and Thorium and the other with Ca on the other side. So I go for the other side of Ca, but when I get near, I see the seat is saved and I said shit. I was angry and I tried to scoot as far away from Thorium as possible so I wouldn’t have to see him through my peripheral vision. But then my AWESOME friend Yt decided she want to sit next to Ca, so she squeezes in making ME not the Dysprosium (on Ca’s other side) scoot over to be closer to Thorium. I almost stormed off. I was beyond angry, and I wasn’t even HUNGRY. I wanted to shoot someone. FIRST I make a stupid mark days after we fell out because I was full of hatred towards him. Then I decide being angry at him is better than any other emotion, then I get all full of fucking emotions and am really sad and depressed about the go damned situation, and of course being the AWESOME, GREAT friends they’ve noticed and taken EVERY precaution to keep me away from him. I swear they can give less than a shit about me. Granted I have abused our relationship when I was besfriends with Thorium, but I still talked to them and THEY were the MAIN reason me and Thorium had a fall out. But I still cared for them and I still tried. But they haven’t even ATTEMPTED to keep a decent conversation with me about life.

I love them to death but they all SUCK, except Technetium. At least she’s talking to me and asking me how I am and prodding, while they won’t even TOUCH the matter. I mean, ugh I’d rather have 10 shitty Thorium relationships then them sometimes. Br is my talking friend, we always talk at school. But outside of that, almost never. We’ll never be close friends, and I’m okay with that, she’s pretty bitchy, but was my first friend I made from my group now, in 6^th grade.

My only sanity is this now probably, and Technetium.

This is getting really hard to ignore him, he left the table. There were 7 people in the table originally, but then, Dysprosium left to the band hall, Yt decided she wanted to go, and this other girl (I’ll most likely never mention her again, because I generally don’t like her, I tolerate her crap, but I am not her friend) her friend, decided she wanted to go to the band hall too, and Ca always follows Yt like a cat (hence his name) so those three left. Leaving me Br and Thorium at the table. Thorium never talks at lunch (which is no problem with me, but it is a problem and I hate it, but none of our friends like to tolerate him) it really bothers me that he won’t talk to them, or they won’t listen when he does talk. It’s a 2 way road but oh well. I was really aggravated, but Br stuck with me until the end. I swear. I was angry and sad and BLAH! But in physics I passed my test XD heck yeah! And I actually understand our new topic (magnetic forces)

Oh! Me and Hydrogen had a LONG talk yesterday! We got out of English tutorials and we walked to her locker and we talked as I never allowed her to open her locker, we sat and talked for about an hour, maybe longer, the time just flew away. I even skipped the first half of sectionals for that, but Martinez loves me, so yeah, she accepted my lame excuse. It was like old times. And her boyfriend only came up once. I want her to come out of seclusion and enjoy what she used to do. I hope she does, I’ll coax her. I have my ways ;P

That’s about it today.

I swear the people I never considered my friends, are my good friends.

… so… I wrote this message… I don’t know if I’ll send it… it’s a letter type thing to Thorium… telling him everything… about how I miss him and how I hated him… I don’t know if I’ll ever send it… but it’s there…

Oh! I am majorly crushing on Holmium!!! XD He’s not helping the situation either! SO XP

2 day post

OMG! I WANT TO TALK TO HIM!!! WHY CAN'T EVERYTHING GO BACK TO NORMAL?! WHAT THE HELL! I HATE HIM AND THIS STUPID WORLD!

Okay, now that that little rant is over... I love the world again.

So I've been watching House like mad, but my internet started being stupid slow, so I couldn't stand the wait, it stopped in the beginning of the show, so I didn't miss much, but enough to be interested. I forgot about it and became obsessed with Camteen fan fics, same difference XD

but I just got out of the shower, shower and I changed the channel and guess what episode was on XD and it was like 1 minute before where I stopped. I think the world is trying to get on my good side again :D

Hm... I've talked to Technetium a lot lately. Interesting topics we've fallen upon, then again I'm not the best to ask, considering I'm an atheist that relatively has no faith in anything, and believes in going with your gut and feelings. Yeah, I'm very hippieish in that way.

So this weekend I became addicted to The Veronicas and House M.D.. Not necessarily bad, considering I couldn't find where I put my shiny thing. I haven't used it in about a month, but that's because I have a mark that hasn't gone away yet, which is really weird, but okay. Can you believe my arm was basically swollen the first week in the area of my marks, and it has slowly healed these past three weeks and my mom BARELY noticed it, when only one of them is visible, and I easily blamed it on a marker. It's ridiculous, she's so lucky I haven't pulled more shit under her nose. Swear man.

So, I've had a sinking feeling in my stomach all weekend. Every time I even THINK about my english course, I feel like throwing up. If my parents didn't force feed me, I am sure I wouldn't eat at all this next month with the pressure of the world. I never even feel nauseous at region where I play in front of a room of flute players all judging every dynamic and note I play, I get nervous sometimes, but never nauseous. I'm only taking ONE AP exam and I feel like dying, lol, these are the times I am so happy that I am not taking the APUSH exam, I wouldn't even SLEEP if that were the case. And band is being a bitch. I hate band with a passion right now. But yeah, I'm sure I'm not going to eat lunch tomorrow, or next week. I really don't feel well at all.

Once again, I will LOVE YOU FOREVER no matter what you've done to me if you buy me a legal complete box set of House M.D. You could be Thorium! Then again if he even told me we should watch one of those episodes together like we've planned to since forever, I would totally take him back! lol.God, I'd have no restraint in taking Thorium back as a friend. I fail, I know. I'm a fucking tool.

So I'm pretty sure I never ever want to be in a serious relationship with anyone. Because if it sucks this much to lose your best friend, I don't even WANT to know the pain of losing a partner. Yeah yeah yeah... it's all about faith and it could be great, blah blah blah. I'm not willing to go through it again, yeah it hurt when best friend number 1 left, it hurt a lot more when best friend number 2 left, but losing Thorium is like ripping my being apart little by little every moment of everyday, knowing he's laughing and smiling when I used to be able to make him laugh and smile by just looking at him. And it's been like what? 2 months now? I don't even want to know, if I don't keep track of my last marks, I'm sure as hell not going to torture myself by counting the days since I last talked to him.

Worst part? I know I can't ever be his friend again. Why? Because I'd want to be close to him again, and I know it's going to be impossible unless he shows he wants to too. But he's happy, he has to be by this point. I'm not going to mess with that, in a weird sense, so am I, but I can't forget him as much as I try, not when every little action or phrase reminds you of him. It's going to take FOREVER for me to ever be that open with anyone ever again, if at all. Stupid life, stupid emotions, now I remember why I wanted to end them both. Not that I'm thinking like that, at the moment at least. Some emotions are worth it, dammit, I knew it. I told myself I million times not to invest my feelings (god I hate even thinking of that word) or self into anyone person. Why couldn't I learn from my own fucking mistakes. I hate the world, unless the world does something REALLY nice to me, like get me the complete box set of House M.D. and gives me as many as seasons there will be. I told you I'd let any shit go by for that box set! hahaha, ugh, I know I complain a lot about him, but I can't help it there was basically nothing or anyone else (excluding one person) that was in my life when he was there. God that must sound pathetic, it is, no denying that but... stupid me.

I swear! If I get ONE more letter or email from a prestigious organization that would offer me a great experience, I am going to kill someone. Yeah, I very flattered that I keep getting picked for these things, but it all costs MONEY, and they don't realize I have none, thanks to their nations stupid politicians. I'm getting frustrated, I've been sent the People to People thing every year since 8th grade. This year I've gotten a National Youth Leadership thing, some other leadership thing, and now National Youth Leadership Forum on Medicine. Swear man. I'm flattered, just like when I got the packet from Rice University in 10th grade before almost everyone (with out asking for their info), but it gets really aggravating when you can't pay for it.

I'm officially obsessed with camteen fics. I swear there are only 3 pages of what I'm interested in, and I'm determined to read them all. :D I'm a sucker for reading, I can't help it.

Oh! I'm not bi polar btw. I realize I go from sad to mad to happy in what seems to be a split second, but honestly I've been so devastated and depressed lately I can't force myself to only be that, so I decided angry and seemingly happy is better than just sitting in the dark crying for what seems like no ending. And the whole happy but depressed about Thorium, yeah, makes no sense to me either, so yeah. I'm a lost cause XD

Hm... I do want you guys to know, this a split blog, the beginning of this I wrote yesterday, and the second half I've written today. So yeah... I'm not completely crazy.

I miss video games!!! I want to play my games again!!! I need that again!!! rawr! damn me and finisheing them too fast (except oblivion, that took me well over 100 hours, not to mention I totally cheated my way through after like 20 hours of play.) I want my grand theft auto back! But I think Thorium still has it argh!!!

I really am trying to get over it readers, I do realize I rant A LOT about him, but seriously months of non stop talking, several stories, several buttons pushed, several topics breeched. It's like nothing in the world (except the Ipad) has been talked about between the two of us. I promise reader, I will try my best to forget him. But I'm going to tell you right now that it may take WAYYYYYY longer than this.

Okay, so I really want a guitar now. Just to own one and say I've tried to learn it XD

I eventually will, but it's a very long process!!!

Rawr, I may just go on hiatus on this blog and just post all this crap in my private blog.

I'm writing a cadley fic! It'll be awesome, I have 5 pages, and the most dialog I've ever written in my life XD I hate writing dialog with a passion. It'll be a great story, I'm just not going to post it until I finish it, because me a commitment in english/writing is not that great XD

Fools and More.

So, I am so going to be making spur of the moment posts through text, and when I have time I'll combine them into one. But, so I'm on the bus going to school, and I TOTALLY forgot it was April Fool's Day, and my friend demonstrated how she was going to be 'dramatic' because I asked what that meant. Well, it means that she is going to act very shocked while saying something. So she said something, and I was like... Okay, that's true but I'm pretty sure I can play it off as a fool. So I acted all shocked that it actually was April 1st. And I laughed on the inside because my friends who weren't in on the joke were extremely shocked, as it caught them by surprise. And I didn't deny it. I never answered the question, I just told them she was in charge of the April fool. And I just thought it was hilarious that they actually believed it, and even more that it was actually true. I ran out of room, so BYE GUYS!!!

Okay, so that's the original message, now allow me to elaborate

I was on the bus going to school in the morning (it's like a 20-40 minute ride, which sucks ass) and I sat next to my friend, since we always have a lack of seats, and she is a crazy sophomore. And she told me she was going to be DRAMATIC *and flashy hand movement here* to April Fool people. I had no idea it was April Fools though! I was in the process of texting very fast to check the date after I was going to send it, when my sophomore friend just said in a sort of loud voice (but the black, mexican, hispanic ghetto people who sit in the back are always very loud), so my friends in front of us could hear her say something (which I won't write XD) and my friends, who were in the middle of a conversation totally stopped and turned around so fast I thought they were going to break their necks, it was TOTALLY hilarious, but I was acting very non nonchalant and I was going to April Fool my sophomore friend by saying it was true (which it was, but I wasn't telling anyone that), but I decided against it, considering their reaction to it. But it was really funny! I totally played it off, saying it wasn't true by my actions and my word choice. It was very bad acting though, I'm rusty XD I can still do the job but only when it's dark and crowded and we are all very drowsy. Man, I need to freshen up on my acting, so okay, I'm going off on a tangent, but back during the 'Dark Ages'(which I call my bad years, idr if I told you guys that) I used to act A LOT. I was an absolute pro, and I could and would make anyone believe what I wanted. I was an absolute manipulator, lucky for me and every one else, I was to depressed to honestly do much about it, it was something I would use seldomly. God, you guys don't even know the gist of it, I was a HORRIBLE person. But out of all of that, I did become immaculate actress and my word choice over text and IM magic. And actress can also be used as a fancy word for lying, I was great at that, I still could be, but I went a year just not saying the complete truth rather than actually lying so I'm rusty in that too. Only people who are looking for it can find it now. Before, not even I could tell truth from fiction, like I said, good old days lol.

Okay, so the week has been stressful to say the least. So I got my period during the middle of the week, but I started feeling it come on earlier. Which was really weird, I never feel it coming, I never get moody not even when I'm on it, but I was a super bitch the entire school week, and very emotional. Something I'm not very fond of, and I felt cramps, which I NEVER get. So since I was moody, I really was mistreating my friends. But the stress was getting me too. So moody and stressed don't really mix. I was aggravated all week. Oh and to make matters worse, Bastard hasn't been at school. He was there one day, yesterday. But, man. I was worried about him, I knew I should be, that there was no reason to worry, and that I should be worrying about him anymore, he;s not my friend and I know for a fact (no not really) that he wouldn't worry about me if I were gone. [I made a post about this before that sounded more scared and worried, but it didn't save, and it was before he came back to school, and I found out what he had] but I was freaking out. The first day I was relieved but still a little worried. Relieved because he was gone, and I didn't have to worry about what I said, or being near his jackass personality in class, but worried because of his track record. The next day I was getting worried, I didn't know what was up and I could ask my friends, or text him. I couldn't ask my friends, because they wouldn't know because they wouldn't have asked him already, so they would have had to ask and knowing my friends they would say that I asked in the message, and then they would know that I still really care about him and they would try something and I couldn't text him, because, then he would know I still cared, and well, I just don't know. With all that stress and moodiness, I was going to ask Lithium during Math class, but I couldn't because she would know what was up and discuss it with our friends, and I did not want that, and I was angry at myself for having the strongest urge to ask her, and I was worried and just blah, and I seriously almost broke down in class, I was literally swallowing tears right in front of her (I turn around in my desk [she sits behind me] and I talk to her there I rarely ever use my desk, and the teacher is so lax that we never ACTUALLY get in trouble for talking during class) but she was paying attention to what our teacher was teaching on the projector, thank god, and I was looking down, so she didn't notice. But man, it was killing me not knowing what had happen, and of course none of my friends would have told me. But Bastard had food poisoning, so bad, but not the worst I was imagining.

School is going to be shit the next few weeks, I don't know if I'll make it honestly. I'm going to have a mental break down, I know I am. There's no way in hell I'm going to be able to do it all. I'm going to die, just point and blank.

I have pretty much become addicted to House XD If you REALLY REALLY REALLY love me you'd buy me the entire series box set! I'd seriously love you for the rest of my life XD, I'm on episode 6 now, but my internet is being a bitch, so I can't watch it. I'm using my black berry as my modem at the moment. How pathetic :P

I spent my day reading (yes I know, I don't have the time for that, but I needed a breather on Good Friday, and like I said, my internet is being a bitch) fanfictions of Thirteen and Cameron, I just want to congratulate the authors of the ones I read, they very detailed and very awesome. I loved them all (except the incomplete ones) I'm thinking of writing one with an idea of someone who hasn't updated in 5 or 6 months (I know, I'm a hypocrite, I haven't updated in about a year I'm guessing), but I'll adjust it to my style and have a different story line. They are phenomenal stories, but they have no plot, and if they do, it pretty much sucked, details, however, did not suck.

Oh jeez, I'm a Nathaniel Hawthorne. I write REALLY long sentences with a million commas, and millions of parenthesis'. Crap, lol. At least I'm not an Ernest Hemingway. XD

I believe that's about it. Oh, and for the record Bastard, if you ever read this blog, I want you to know, I won. I did, in fact, love you more.