i stumble my life away. tired. "it'll get better. maybe not now, but it will."
STATUS! WHY WON'T HE JUST LET ME BE? DOES HE NOT UNDERSTAND THAT EVERYDAY I DON'T TALK TO HIM KILLS ME ON THE INSIDE? EVERYDAY I DON'T MAKE HIM SMILE EVERYDAY I CAN'T MAKE HIM LAUGH OR WE CAN'T LAUGH TOGETHER?! DOES HE NOT GET THAT?! BECAUSE I FUCKING MISS HIM BUT HE'S THE ONE THAT DIDN'T WANT THE FRIENDSHIP, HE HAS NO FUCKING RIGHT! HE CAN'T BITCH I WAS HIS FRIEND! I TRIED! AS MUCH AS I MAY HAVE SUCKED I'M 100% SURE I WAS BETTER THAN ALMOST ALL THE REST BECAUSE HE WAS 100% BETTER THAN EVERYONE I KNEW AT THE TIME.
Fuck man! He makes me so pissed off and depressed when I see things like that from him. Does he not get it? He cut his hair, I yelled at him for ages about his unruly hair, there better be a reason, because then all that cancer stuff he said was total bs (he wanted to grow out his hair and donate it). Ugh, swear he isn't making it easier, every time I think he's doing better he pull some shit like that. I fucking swear man. I'm fucking enraged. As you can see I'm fucking cursing every other fucking sentence, but I can't fucking help it, I just fucking pissed off. I mean seriously! What the fuck?! I'm googling it to see if they are lyrics or a poem, but what the hell. I have a right to be pissed, I was at least WILLING to try and save the friendship, he just fucking gave up and argued with me until I couldn't stand it anymore.
Only he can get me this pissed off, and that pisses me off. He can get every extreme of my emotions to surface with just the very thought of him and his fucking smug face. I fucking hate high school, I can't wait to get away stop eating shitty food and go vegetarian meet new people who will like me for who I am and I don't have to fucking pretend to be anyone. And a clean slate. I can't wait.
Man, if he were to find this blog I'm pretty sure it would piss him off.
So I talked to Tungsten the other day through text, and we had a maybe 4 message conversation, and I''m pretty sure Thorium has talked trash about me, because she reacted how I suspected.
Well, I've talked trash about him, but it just happens that his trash is all his personality and basically reassuring everything my friends already knew about his character.
Ah! Day of Silence is only days away! I can't wait!!! It'll be awesome! I'm running out of black ink XD that sucks, I need to get some more, maybe on Saturday when I'm going home.
Seriously, I'm pretty sure he doesn't know that I miss him a lot.
Ah! So today I was leaving the band hall and Holmium was outside and I was about to run to the car (where my mother did not tell me she was there already) but my mom hadn't seen me yet, she was too engrossed in her book, and I went back and hugged him, like I always do, he met me like an 8th of the way (I love his hug btw, even before I developed a crush on him) and he asked me if I was leaving, and I said yeah, and he looked a bit sad and slightly pouted (in a non-obvious way) and I was like Aw!! I feel bad for leaving now! lol, but I left and that was my interaction with him today, excluding the morning hug he always gives me before class.
Hm... Band was killer, my mouth was dead afterwards, and the chick next to me SUCKS, I hate having someone sitting next to me, stupid Director, the stupid row didn't have to be even. Stupid, now I can never tune with Steph. next to me when we play (like I always used to do) and then she always plays so loud and ugly and long and out of tune during every song, it's so frustrating. Because she is a major reason why we have a sucky tempo, stupid people like her who don't know on what side of a beat to play on. That's why my band sucks, because of people like her who don't give a shit and don't think it's ever okay for them to be in a lower band or play second part because they are so "good" swear. I hate people like her. I can't wait until I get to whip our section in to shape. rawr!
Um... I believe that's all., Oh my week is going to be hell. Fun...
I'm just going to ask him, it's really killing, I need to know why. I need to know why, is that so much to ask?
OMFG IT'S ONLY BEEN A MONTH AND A HALF! WHAT THE HELL! IT FEELS LIKE IT'S BEEN MONTHS SINCE ME AND THORIUM BECAME NOT FRIENDS.
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