Today.

Okay so today started off GREAT! I loved the day, I was actually HAPPY. Even in english when I got my progress report and it said 47, I was still happy, it didn't dampen my mood at all. Theory was fun, as always I actually laughed a true laugh in there. Everything was great! Holmium wasn't here today so eh, but anyways. I was walking to third period as happy as could be, and guess who comes walking towards me? Tungsten does! And I was like awesome! Today is totally a happy day! I haven't talked to her that much since Thorium and me split. What she does though, is avoid eye contact with me, look beyond me gives me the Grand Theft Auto game I let Thorium borrow forever ago and walks off with as much as a hello in my direction. I knew it, I knew she wasn't going to like me after the issue between me and her boyfriend. But seriously, I looked at it after she gave it to me, because I had no idea what it was, I saw it and it was the game. So I was hurt by how Tungsten acted, but I saw the game and it was like a sharp pain attacking my heart. That was the only thing he still had that was mine.

I had it and I tried to stuff it in my back pack but it didin't work, I tried again and I was just surging with pain, anger, sorrow, and saying good bye to the reminants of my happiness. I slammed it in my back pack not knowing what else to do. I controlled my self as I walked up stairs, I didn't know what had just really happened but all I felt was that pang in your chest and my stomack dropping all at once I wanted to throw up and cry all at once. I didn't do either though. I was holding back tears the entire walk up the stairs I was taking deep breaths and trying to understand what I was feeling, i was on the brink of tears honestly, I totally blew off Br, (who always walks into my Pre-Cal class and gives me a hug) and I et her hug me for like 2 seconds then I took her off and I went to get a calculator, she was a decent distractor, I was trying really hard to be distracted to not think, because I walked into class and I was going to get something out of my backpack and I saw teh game and I almost lost it I pushed teh damned thing farther into my backpack and closed it again. Then she left for her class9which is right next to mine) and Lithium and kid walked in, I was like a god, I need to think but I'll cry if I think, I don't want them to see that, I don't want to do that. I just decided to distract myself and talk a lot to them and finish my leadership form (which I did) and then I just talked, but when Teacher taught kid listened and Lithium moved to talk to the black people in my class. So I was left to my thoughts, I fought off tears the entire time I was in that class. I felt like pure shit. I couldn't stand it, Thorium was in the next room.

I was just... sad. I don't even know what it symbolised, hope maybe? of us being friends again? I don't even know. And then I started thinking of giving him back the thing he gave my and Lithium that he got at a convention to put on our phones, but Litium lost hers and my and Thorium just kept the ones we had. I thought of giving it to him, thinking things like, (it's broken btw) putting it in his locker with a mote saying something like "I'm giving it back, as I guess as symbolism for our friendship. When it was breaking we began to distance ourselves, and then it fell and you and I weren't the same. So here it's back broken, like our friendship" Maybe just that last sentence, and I was seriously fighting off the tears that were threatening to fall.

The next stupid 3 classes with him, so in History I was really attempting to ignore him, which is honestly hard. Then I had LUNCH with him, I sat across from him (at our circular table) and I really had to resist looking at him, I wasn't even hungry, I had no appetite at all. I force fed myself half the pizza then the nausea went away for a little so I just shoved the rest of it down my throat. I wasn't hungry at all. I just wanted to crawl into a corner and cry. In pre- cal I needed something to forget so I did the next best thing (in my screwed up mind) and I made light marks in class. It helped a bit. So physics was okay, I distracted myself with a bunch of work. I did a lot.

So, it just hurts. A lot. It's pretty much worse than before. I think I'm going to load the game and kill people. That should relax me. bye guys. I'm not going to look for the typos, so sorry if you find any, I am reliving it in my mind all the time every single bad thing that has happen, actively. So yeah. I'm just tired. Really tired. He''s probably going to be there tomorrow too, I just don't know guys. It was finally getting easier, I actually thought things were going to get better, so much for my optimism, I'm just going to take it day by day. It's really all I can do. Like I said, happiness is only lived for a short amount of time.