Okay, now that that little rant is over... I love the world again.
So I've been watching House like mad, but my internet started being stupid slow, so I couldn't stand the wait, it stopped in the beginning of the show, so I didn't miss much, but enough to be interested. I forgot about it and became obsessed with Camteen fan fics, same difference XD
but I just got out of the shower, shower and I changed the channel and guess what episode was on XD and it was like 1 minute before where I stopped. I think the world is trying to get on my good side again :D
Hm... I've talked to Technetium a lot lately. Interesting topics we've fallen upon, then again I'm not the best to ask, considering I'm an atheist that relatively has no faith in anything, and believes in going with your gut and feelings. Yeah, I'm very hippieish in that way.
So this weekend I became addicted to The Veronicas and House M.D.. Not necessarily bad, considering I couldn't find where I put my shiny thing. I haven't used it in about a month, but that's because I have a mark that hasn't gone away yet, which is really weird, but okay. Can you believe my arm was basically swollen the first week in the area of my marks, and it has slowly healed these past three weeks and my mom BARELY noticed it, when only one of them is visible, and I easily blamed it on a marker. It's ridiculous, she's so lucky I haven't pulled more shit under her nose. Swear man.
So, I've had a sinking feeling in my stomach all weekend. Every time I even THINK about my english course, I feel like throwing up. If my parents didn't force feed me, I am sure I wouldn't eat at all this next month with the pressure of the world. I never even feel nauseous at region where I play in front of a room of flute players all judging every dynamic and note I play, I get nervous sometimes, but never nauseous. I'm only taking ONE AP exam and I feel like dying, lol, these are the times I am so happy that I am not taking the APUSH exam, I wouldn't even SLEEP if that were the case. And band is being a bitch. I hate band with a passion right now. But yeah, I'm sure I'm not going to eat lunch tomorrow, or next week. I really don't feel well at all.
Once again, I will LOVE YOU FOREVER no matter what you've done to me if you buy me a legal complete box set of House M.D. You could be Thorium! Then again if he even told me we should watch one of those episodes together like we've planned to since forever, I would totally take him back! lol.God, I'd have no restraint in taking Thorium back as a friend. I fail, I know. I'm a fucking tool.
So I'm pretty sure I never ever want to be in a serious relationship with anyone. Because if it sucks this much to lose your best friend, I don't even WANT to know the pain of losing a partner. Yeah yeah yeah... it's all about faith and it could be great, blah blah blah. I'm not willing to go through it again, yeah it hurt when best friend number 1 left, it hurt a lot more when best friend number 2 left, but losing Thorium is like ripping my being apart little by little every moment of everyday, knowing he's laughing and smiling when I used to be able to make him laugh and smile by just looking at him. And it's been like what? 2 months now? I don't even want to know, if I don't keep track of my last marks, I'm sure as hell not going to torture myself by counting the days since I last talked to him.
Worst part? I know I can't ever be his friend again. Why? Because I'd want to be close to him again, and I know it's going to be impossible unless he shows he wants to too. But he's happy, he has to be by this point. I'm not going to mess with that, in a weird sense, so am I, but I can't forget him as much as I try, not when every little action or phrase reminds you of him. It's going to take FOREVER for me to ever be that open with anyone ever again, if at all. Stupid life, stupid emotions, now I remember why I wanted to end them both. Not that I'm thinking like that, at the moment at least. Some emotions are worth it, dammit, I knew it. I told myself I million times not to invest my feelings (god I hate even thinking of that word) or self into anyone person. Why couldn't I learn from my own fucking mistakes. I hate the world, unless the world does something REALLY nice to me, like get me the complete box set of House M.D. and gives me as many as seasons there will be. I told you I'd let any shit go by for that box set! hahaha, ugh, I know I complain a lot about him, but I can't help it there was basically nothing or anyone else (excluding one person) that was in my life when he was there. God that must sound pathetic, it is, no denying that but... stupid me.
I swear! If I get ONE more letter or email from a prestigious organization that would offer me a great experience, I am going to kill someone. Yeah, I very flattered that I keep getting picked for these things, but it all costs MONEY, and they don't realize I have none, thanks to their nations stupid politicians. I'm getting frustrated, I've been sent the People to People thing every year since 8th grade. This year I've gotten a National Youth Leadership thing, some other leadership thing, and now National Youth Leadership Forum on Medicine. Swear man. I'm flattered, just like when I got the packet from Rice University in 10th grade before almost everyone (with out asking for their info), but it gets really aggravating when you can't pay for it.
I'm officially obsessed with camteen fics. I swear there are only 3 pages of what I'm interested in, and I'm determined to read them all. :D I'm a sucker for reading, I can't help it.
Oh! I'm not bi polar btw. I realize I go from sad to mad to happy in what seems to be a split second, but honestly I've been so devastated and depressed lately I can't force myself to only be that, so I decided angry and seemingly happy is better than just sitting in the dark crying for what seems like no ending. And the whole happy but depressed about Thorium, yeah, makes no sense to me either, so yeah. I'm a lost cause XD
Hm... I do want you guys to know, this a split blog, the beginning of this I wrote yesterday, and the second half I've written today. So yeah... I'm not completely crazy.
I miss video games!!! I want to play my games again!!! I need that again!!! rawr! damn me and finisheing them too fast (except oblivion, that took me well over 100 hours, not to mention I totally cheated my way through after like 20 hours of play.) I want my grand theft auto back! But I think Thorium still has it argh!!!
I really am trying to get over it readers, I do realize I rant A LOT about him, but seriously months of non stop talking, several stories, several buttons pushed, several topics breeched. It's like nothing in the world (except the Ipad) has been talked about between the two of us. I promise reader, I will try my best to forget him. But I'm going to tell you right now that it may take WAYYYYYY longer than this.
Okay, so I really want a guitar now. Just to own one and say I've tried to learn it XD
I eventually will, but it's a very long process!!!
Rawr, I may just go on hiatus on this blog and just post all this crap in my private blog.
I'm writing a cadley fic! It'll be awesome, I have 5 pages, and the most dialog I've ever written in my life XD I hate writing dialog with a passion. It'll be a great story, I'm just not going to post it until I finish it, because me a commitment in english/writing is not that great XD
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