10 things to ten different people

day one: ten things you want to say to ten different people right now.

1. I did love you for a very long time, and I still do, hell I'd probably drop my life to be with you at the drop of a hat, but I'm over it, I just can't help loving you.

2. You're such a bitch, you know that? You try to act so fucking innocent all the time, no one will give a shit if you're a lesbian, or if you like girls. You make it more awkward for yourself, just be you and fuck everyone else. Being normal is overrated.

3. I wish only good things for you, you were a great friend to me this year and I'm glad I got to know you the way I did. I hope you don't get hurt, and you only do things to make you happy.

4. If you could stop looking at me like I'm a fucking idiot every time I make a mistake, that would be great. I'm not an idiot I know I fucking screwed up, get off your high horse.

5. Dude I've been saying I have a crush on you for over a year now, I'm only kidding myself at this point. I totally like you, but you have a stupid significant other that is also my friend and I couldn't do that to them XD I would fuck you when ever, you are fucking beautiful and I should hate you I know so many of your bad attributes, I just can't help it. You asshole XD

6. You are fabulous dude! I understand why you're in there, but I'm looking forward to your escape and living life for who and what you are, awesome XD You're so open and closed about it, I wash I could do that but I can't.

7. You have made my life a living hell and I'm going to be so happy to leave here in less than a year, no more of your stupid oppression. So fuck off bitch I'm not a sour person but your presence does it, I can't even imagine what my life would be like with out you, probably amazing.

8. I dislike you :)

9. You have no idea who I am, but you helped me come my realization and I'm so much happier with myself. Thank you, you are my role model.

10. You also don't know me well you know me as a reader XD but I want to thank you for introducing me into an entire sub-culture I didn't know about, it has probably changed my outlook on life, thank you so much. You fucking rock, and your new bellybutton piercing is beast!

Look out for the Bleh Bleh Bleh!

On this last day of 2010, I can say it has not been my worst, but it was the second worst ever in my life, well third if you count the year I lost God.

I lost a best friend, I gained another best friend and ended up with out either. Which doesn't really bother me, anymore. I ended the school year rocky and I started the next one just as rocky and I ended it failing my first class ever.

A strange thing has occurred though, when I found out I was going to fail, it was amazing. All the weight and the stress on my life was lifted away. It was amazing, and now I have a plan for my life. Beast in all my classes, it's a new year different topics, do beast in all my classes, get accepted to colleges, and enjoy life.

In 2011 I will drive to school and back through the week, like I've wanted to for my ENTIRE high school career. I can finally do what I want. And it'll be AMAZING!

I'm worried about my english situation, but there's nothing for me to do anymore. I'll deal with it as it comes. I will practice my flute or whatever, I'll compose music. I'll bring music back to my life as number one.

I''ll live my life care free, because when I'm stressed, I close down.

I'm much happier this way, trying to love the sober life of a hipster. :D

Here I come 2011, I regret so much in 2010, but things will be totally different in 2011, even if I have to kill some one XD jk jk, I won't kill anyone(in rl).

Of course

ROFL! My parents are talking about my childhood, and they are talking about me not playing with dolls. Now let me tell you guys something I did like barbies and such, I likes playing make believe with them (that's such a stupid name for a game) but NO ONE would play with me, so I quickly gave that up, and became annoyed with them. And my dad tried to buy me boy toys (lol) like balls(LOL) and gloves(omg, seriously?) and guns(okay, that one isn't as sexual) and such and my mom would get mad at him. Lol, I just thought that was a bit funny. I also found out that when I was a baby my dad never tried to help me, that jerk. I also figured out that in my family, both sides there isn't (that I know) a lesbian or a bisexual girl. A bunch of gay guys, but no lesbians. Okay more than a bunch. It's like a million gay guys XD I just found out that one of my uncles is now gay XD damn. It was about time for a change XP And I apologize for the major spam that will appear if you follow me, when I go home I'll fix it.

Oooo, another post! What is it Christmas?!

Well, it's christmas eve! So I guess.

I will probably make a Christmas post, just cause tomorrow. Since my entire family celebrates today not tomorrow.

I could really use a massage right now! Man, I am so tense from sitting in the same position all day these past few days.

A normal post I AM SOOOOO GOING TO FAIL ONLINE ENGLISH!

I'm making a valiant effort to try and pass but yesterday and today have pretty much been throw away days. Man, I'm so dead.

I have literally been listening to the same 3 songs the past 3 or 4 days, and today I expanded some, but it's still just Katy Perry (not that I don't love her or anything)

I wish I could just relax. I haven't had a proper vacation since freshman year? And we all know that was full of stupid moody shit.

I am SO glad my online dictionary has finally accepted that 'shit' is a word XD

OH, I think I'm getting a Snuggie for christmas XDDDD

I couldn't believe it!

Yesterday, I was out with family, and my cousin (not really my cousin, but I don't feel like figuring out what she is) who just finished her first semester at UT San Antonio, she was telling me about her life there and stuff (her mom was trying to scare me) and we have a lot of the same ideas. Lol I completely forgot where I was going to go with this.

Well, another thing, my aunt, my cousin's mom, gave me a charm bracelet with the Lords Prayer. Which meant something totally different to me, than the religious part of it. It's a Ballad we played in band, the best year ever, imo. So that meant so much more to me than she could ever know.

I"m getting my letterman patches in liek 2 weeks, and I'm going to call my ring representative so I can pay for the shipping so they can send me my class ring XD I'm uber excited.

Now if I pass Online english I will NEVER procrastinate online EVER again.

I really feel like crying and giving up, but I think I've found a way around it.

Anyways! I will see you guys tomorrow! (Maybe)

You are all BAMF's...


It just so happens that

P.S. Olive is a SUPER BAMF.


Yes, I had to add that on there, because it's basically the signature of all the posts so far.

Another Question

Mostly for those who are gay, or part gay or what ever.

Do you guys find it creepy that people with great gaydars (like my old on T.T) know your gay?

Like, before you know it, or wanted to come out, they knew?

Or with your gay friends before you came out, did you get paranoid about them knowing?

I think it's nerve racking, personally.

Considering I don't especially care if people know. But it kind of creeps me out that people know with out knowing with a gaydar.

Like the question of, do I register? Always pops into my head.

Like when I was assn. sec. leader, I cared about whether they knew or not, because I would have to touch them all the time to fix their posture or whatever, or be (what anyone who has never been in marching band) uncomfortably close to them, or have to really stare at them to make sure they were doing everything right. I think they would feel VERY uncomfortable knowing I was bi. I always wondered if they knew or whatever. Especially these two I had a crush on. The other one was a love sick fish, so she was too dense to realize. But I have always bee curious.

Or am I fucking them up like Olivia fucked up my radar? Which I would kind of enjoy.



So do you guys find it a bit creepy if you're still in the closet, or not completely comfortable with certain people knowing quite yet, or if you are out, when you were still in the closet, thinking back did you find it creepy or incredibly nerve racking?












Once again
P.S. I still love Olivia she is one BAMF.

OH! Serious Question!!!

So I have a gay issue. Both literally and figuratively, my gaydar is totally wack thanks to my friend Olivia, that lame bitch XD.

In 9th grade it was awesome my targets were all somehow gay. In 10th grade it worked for the most part, except I thought Olivia was gay. No, I knew she was, she screamed "I LIKE GIRLS" on my 'dar. But did I believe my instinct? Of course not. So I conveinced myself she wasn't because she would have told someone. I mean, she was all about fucking guys in 8th and 9th grade. So if she switched to girls, I think she would have said something. But of course she didn't, that bitch XD. So then after changing my entire thought process, it turns out she is gay. I almost killed some one. Just saying. So after being around her basically the whole year and telling myself I was wrong. It turns out she is.

So she made me break my gaydar, after that it was all jacked. Like when there was a question about Karen I don't even remember when, I had no idea. She appeared once before on my 'dar, but I ruled it as a false reading. But I was like OMG I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA. That's when I knew it was jacked.

Now this wasn't really an issue, until I realized I liked girls. So my past 2 years (almost) have been of me crushing on girls I think that read as 'I like girls' turn out to be straight as a damned stick. I mean wtf. That's really lame.

Stupid Olivia! It's such a drag crushing on the straights.

Anyways, my question is:

Do you guys have ANY ideas as to how I could fix my gaydar?

Anything will be appreciated! :D



P.S. Despite all my negative comments about Olivia, I love that chick, she's a BAMF!

?

This was originally going to be a gURL response, but it grew into something totally different, so if some things differ from what I've said in the past it's because it's mostly censored, and it's 1:30 a.m. and I'm so stressed my hair hassn't stopped falling out at a rapid pace in at least 3 weeks. It's a miracle I'm not bald yet, ANYWAYS, here's the post. And I swear I have written actual blogs, I just don't find them that meaningful XD






I started cutting when I was 14 I think, when I was in an incredibly bad place in my life. It was in the midst of my severe depression, everyday was so hard to live. I basically hated everything about myself, inside and out. I felt so alone. It was the summer and I was basically trapped in my house because I wasn't allowed to have anyone over during the day(my dad worked in the morning so he had to sleep all day) and I couldn't go anywhere because I never had permission to. So none of my friends even attempted to invite me any where anymore. In the midst of us starting high school soon they seemed to forget about me. I had just realized what the meaning of death really meant and the death of my grandfather, who I loved so much, that died when I was like 8 finally hit me. And basically everything that I have ever done wrong or that could possibly have been my fault, I felt was my fault and I felt guilty about the stupidest things. None of the above of course was helping my severe depression. So I started high school with a self injury problem and what could have been considered an eating disorder.

One day at practice I had fresh cuts on my leg that I didn't really have time to tend to correctly the night before, I felt something trickling down my leg, I of course assumed it was sweat, because I wasn't paranoid about that type of thing any more. So when we had a water break my (now) best friend walked over to me, looked me in the eye and reached down with a slight bend and lifted my shorts slightly and looked then put it down slowly and looked at me again, (of course to me it all happened in slow motion, out of pure fear of not knowing what he would say or do, let alone I liked him at the time) I didn't realize until later that I was holding my breath the entire time, and he told me to stop and then he walked away. I, stood there for another second and a half and then reached down to wipe away what I didn't know was there. I had another 2 hours of practice to think about what the hell had just happened. I didn't know how to react really. Earlier in the week (I think) my best friend at the time, and the only one that knew about my cutting at the time, had a huge fight. She was pissed about me being super depressed and pathetic about losing I think my razor, idk. But she was sick of it, and she told me something very impactful, of course I can't for the life of me rememebr what she told me that day, but the point is that she pretty much sent me to think. And then what happened in practice, I didn't know what to do really.

I knew I was sick and tired of having the compulsion to cut everyday to feel better about my down falls and that stupid voice in my head telling me I sucked. I knew what I was doing was wrong, I just had no idea as to what to do. So I told myself I needed to stop and I could only do what I knew what to do. So I stopped cold turkey. I didn't throw my razor away, that would have really been to much too soon. So I had it with me everyday at school in my pocket or in my back pack just to know that I could cut if I wanted to. But I would just think about my new life and what I would gain from cutting. I threw away cutting from being my devils advocate and only friend, to walking away from it and pushing it away when it wanted to come back. I didn't make it out scotch free. I did cut often, but it went from multiple times a day, to once a day, to once every few days, to once every week, to once every couple of weeks, and then months went by.

I really just had to believe things would get better I had to have faith that life wouldn't suck that much forever and my depression would go away one day. And trust me, I am a person that has the worst time having faith in anything or any one. I had to believe though. And sure enough I have had so many friends that I have loved very much. I have had my ups and downs of course, but my Mt. Everest was my best friend and I stopped talking to each other after a major fight and we just stopped. It was literally the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. The worst thing I have gone through, it really did feel like my heart was ripped out and just being stabbed repeatedly every time I saw him and every time I thought him or what ever. But I went through those 2-3 moths of hell with out one cut. That was my mile stone. I had finally learned how to deal with my issues, more or less, with out relying on my razor to help me escape.

The temptation always is there. Especially when I hadn't cut in ages and the curiosity as to how it would feel, and knowing it would probably feel absolutely amazing, almost like that first time. And I have unfortunately given in, I can get thorugh a lot of shit. But this year I am just high strung and I already feel like a failure all the time, so when something does happen that I just can't deal with or do anything about I do cut. But that rarely happens now. But the scars are there to remind me that I did succumb.

I freaking do love that guy though he was my best friend. He has done so much for me, that it's freaking insane. He may not know it, and he probably never will because he doesn't read this blog any more, but he was one of teh best things to ever happen to me. And it really does kill me that we used to be so close and now we aren't and some how can't go back to how it used to be. What a typical story, but I am so glad I know him, even though we really don't talk anymore, because he's moved on to bigger and better things. He claims that I can easily join him, but we both know that it's not the same at all.

Our history does make it impossible for us to not care about each other though. Like as I write this and I should be doiong my online english class that now ends in 5 days, I really wish I could talk to him. But I know perfectly well that I can't because the conversation we will have will be too much work for me right now and I need to concentrate.

It really sucks that we can't have a care free conversation liek the old days. Life suck, ya know?

BOA!!! lol

So today (yesterday) we went to BOA! In the Woodlands. Ah, we had a great time it was 1:45 p.m. when we preformed. We had a call time of 8 a.m. though so we could get a last minute run here and there. Our game the day before was 2 hours away so we didn't get home until midnight. So we were all exhausted. I was shocked we sounded and looked really good during practice. But I knew the moment we left our focus would die. And it did. It was there when we warmed up but not to the extent it should have been at. People in my band are way too ADD to pay attention for long.

Personally I did awesome. I missed my set points, but it's only because I was staying in the form, so technically I was wrong. but I made it look right. The only bad thing for me was the fundamental on our opening sets. It's okay

What I thought was hilarious is that people in my band (The people who don't go everyday, don't try and march well, and suck at marching their spot because they choose not to work on things) thought we would make finals.

I really don't think they understand that we needed to work focused like we have the past few days the entire marching season to be at the finals level. They don't realize Texas marching band is crazy competitive and there were like at least 7 consistent Grand National bands there. (ALL OF WHICH WE DIDN'T GET TO SEE! I was BEYOND pissed) We aren't there yet. In a few years maybe. I'm only pissed that the Woodlands beat us XD After that one time we beat them 2 years ago, we've been at each others throats lol.

So it was a LONG day.

And when we were coming home I call my mom when we are at the school and she's like, I'm in down town with your aunt. We'll try and pick you up. So 20 minutes later she calls me and tells me she's close and I was like YES, then she tells me it's going to be another 10 minutes. 20 minutes later they get there, and do I get to go home even though it's 7? Of course not, even though I'm exhausted, smelly, sleepy, super tanned, and disheveled I am forced to go to a freaking family party. And then forced to eat. It tasted BAD.

I finally got home at 10. A whole 3+ hours after I was supposed to be at home showering and eating and eventually sleeping. The food and shower woke me up (along with a friend who texted me randomly) so now I am anxiously waiting for musicforall to post the prelim scores to see how badly we did :D

Comptine d'un autre ete : L'apres midi

OMG I HAVE FOUND THE PERFECT COLLEGE!

It's called Mannes College The New School for Music. And I would basically breathe, sleep, and eat music! That would be freaking AMAZING! I like almost cried when I read the mock course thing. It is PERFECT. Not only is it Eat.Sleep.Breathe music I would be in NEW YORK, NEW YORK. I mean, seriously this is my freaking beyond dream school!

The only down side is that there were 210 undergrads last year. Yup. 210. I don't even think the entire school population gets close to 1000. That means this school is BEYOND difficult to get into. I mean. Omg, I am applying. I am going to write 3 or 4 kick ass scores just for that school and just give the rest of my school choices it.

I am so undecided. If I get moved on to the 2nd step, I will have to go to New York to get interviewed, and then maybe JUST maybe I could get in and be one of those 210 people who get in. I am scared out of my mind, I will be slightly devastated to be rejected from the school of my current dreams. Ugh, I dunno every other school now just pales in comparison.

I guess I'll just have to beast huh?

lol.

Ha, I'm a wreck at the moment.

Breathe Me

Homecoming week!

Was lame, lol. Nothing too interesting. Some people dressed up, nothing too fancy.

I didn't really do anything. Spirity. Lol, I'm not a fan of the school spirit things and such. Lol, I'm in the band, I think that's good enough!

The dance was yesterday, I totally skipped it. :] I didn't really want to go. My only initiative to go was to go see my friend and her not-so-new boyfriend. Lucky for me she didn't go :D

So I didn't miss anything.
It probably would have been really lame anyways, my friends are pretty lame at dances. They love to sit and not go out and dance at a dance. It's their hang out time. So what ev.

Hm... I've been watching a million youtube videos today. Lol. Man I've become addicted to it since the summer XD

I would tell you what I watch but you wouldn't be interested!

Hm... I really did have a point to posting this. I had a topic. and it's gone now... darn lol. I really don't know. Youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube youtube. Lol, I'm trying to remember what I was going to say! Lol.

Well, until I remember I shall talk about something else that has been on my mind. So I dunno. I've been thinking of making a different blog, whether it be private or public, on this same account just talking about self harm and my self harm and things like that. I dunno. I haven't decided yet. On one side I'm like It will totally help me to get these things off my chest, but on the other hand I don't know if I'm at that point where I can talk about it often and not become triggered.

Dunno, we'll see how that works out :P

My Friday was amazing! My mood was just so happy! I dunno why, I think the homecoming thing was getting to me or the fact that my incredibly horridly long ugly week of band was over. Idk.

My mood was awesome! Then it just crashed, but it's okay, because I had that one day where teh entire week SUCKED. I swear. I dunno if I talked about it already but here's the run down!

Monday- Class between 10:46-12:15 Inside Practice 3:30-6 (as usual)
Tuesday- Class 10:46-12:15 outside, Practice 5-8
Wednesday- Class 10:46-12:15 inside, Practice 1-3:30 (Early release day)
Thursday- Class 10:46-12:15(Masterclass) inside, Practice 3:30-4:30, Parade 5-6
Friday- Class 10:46-12:15 inside, Pep Rally 1:10-2:30, Practice 3:30-5 Game(including prep time) 6-11:30

I don't even want to know how much band I did this week. I would kill myself.
I did the math, A little under 26 hours. RIDICULOUS. I really hope my math is wrong on this one.

Ah! I remember I was going to rant about something, but I've changed my mind.

So that was my week. I'll talk to you guys later! Bye

Stupid Tired!

Of course, I shouldn't be on here, but I am.

This week was EFFING LONG. I'm feeling a bit better. But now my ear hurts. Everytime I swallow I'm really hoping I didn't get an infection. and it's just something that will go away, like my throat. I can sing for tomorrow! Which I am psyched for! It really kills me to not sing in choir! Since we never sing, it's so stupid. I'm used to over acheiving in music. and not doing so isn't making me get better. It is beyond frustrating.

So yesterday I had a long ass day. I woke up at 5:30 a.m. so I could leave at 6:20 so I could get breakfast (Which I did) so I could reach the grid at 7 to teach these two friends of mine their spots. 7-8:45 I did. At 9 I went to the college across the street to this room on one side of teh campus to find out I had to drive to another building I get there I go upstairs and I go to the room then I sit and the teachers lady asks for a volunteer to go back to the first room and get something that she forgot, so I go and I park at the wrong building (for the second time) and I run to the run then back to the car and drive back get there, talk about awkward period and vagina crap. And then we have to drive people back to the first room, and I do I finally park in teh right spot. They give us pizza then my UBMS director commeses to tell us we are failures for not applying for a milion scholarships and completing our college applications, or taking our tests. Then we go to another building on campus and go to the computer lab to sign up for the texas common app website. And such. Then I drive home sick as a dog at this point and my mom wants us to go to another part of town (which probably in every other city in the world is another city) to go to talk to some people. It starts raining and the point is I don't really get to go home and rest until about 5 p.m. I am exhuasted and I have no idea what I did. I can not repeat to you what I did last night. I was so out of it.

I was tired to say the least. Today I slept ALL DAY. That's a lie, I slept way longer that the day before considering I had A game Friday and didn't fall sleep until about 1:30 a.m. I woke up at 12 p.m. and I got ready to make lunch and head out to school to help decorate the area in front of the band hall for homecoming. I got there around 1:30 p.m. but is NHS asks I got there at 1, and I stayed until 6 p.m. It was fun, long but fun. btw, glitter gets old after about the 2nd hour of working with it, I got home at 6:30 ish. I rested about an hour minutes got in the shower and I was eating around 8 ish. I got everything ready I panicked and I am finally doing homework.

I have a lab report due tomorrow. I am considering not doing it. But I will be unable to do it tomorrow. Idk. Tomorrow is the last day too. But I still have Calculus and I have a test if I don't do it. I hate this. I've been busy and battling illness all week. I hate this. I guess I shouldn't have worked. But I got 5 hours to contribute to NHS now. I just need another 10 XD let's see how that works out!

UGH! I should be doing it now, but I feel so overwhelmed and I am feeling so tired.

I hate homework and Biology. I can deal with calculus, but bio lab reports are so useless in life.

Long and stupid.

I'm going to do my calclus and we'll see how much Bio I can do before I kill myself. lol not literally, ah I probably shouldn't make that joke after that last post, too soon too soon. XD never thought I'd use that phrase! hahaha

Bye guys! Thanks for distracting me again.

The Story.

So... I really have nothing that major going on in my life, but for the sake of putting off all of my homework because my head is pounding and I'm sick as a dog and I had to wake up about 3 hours after I fell asleep and go teach two kids their marching spots and then go do some UBMS crap. So I'm pretty much exhausted. But of course it's the busiest time of the year for me, so I can't stop!

Any ways. So the past week or two I was thinking about what I could talk about. And mostly it was whether or not I wanted to write this. I'm still thinking about it. But I'll see when I finish writing this.

So I decided to talk about the issue I addressed in my last post, or the one before that one I can't recall exactly right now. Ah, I don't think that sentence made any sense, I hope you know what I'm talking about XD

Yeah, I guess I'll discuss it. So I began in a really bad time in my life. My life broke around me and I felt stationary standing on all the shards. And yes, I could have dealt with it in a better manner, but I didn't know how to. I read about it once I was introduced to it. And I thought it was mad, ad being young and stupid I tried it, and it hurt like hell. And I was pissed and I was like oh HELL NO. Never doing that again!

Ha, but I did. And I'm not going to lie, it hurt but it felt amazing when the endorphines kicked it. And it started there. I started at one and then I didn't feel the same afterwards, so I moved to 2 and then was like okay, same feeling again, yes! Then it was a thought in my mind that if 2 felt good more would feel amazing! A very bad idea on my part, but it made sense. And after that I don't even know what happen. That month or so basically don't exist in my mind. I kind of know what happen it's just all a blur. Every day was a routine of the same thing. Wake up hate, life, self destruct, maybe eat, self destruct, run for about 2 hours, do exercise for an hour, self destruct, self destruct, hate life, fall asleep more or less hoping I wouldn't wake up very bad, very bad indeed.

I remember how I stopped. Or at least attempted to. One of my only friends at that time and I were texting and she asked me what I was doing and I distinctly remember laying in bed curled up pissed off, angry, a bit panicky, and depressed and I told her something that summed that all up because I hope lost my thing. And she totally went off on me, something I really wasn't expecting, especially from her. She did tell me I was pathetic and something else very mean. And I think I retaliated I don't exactly recall. What I said I know I didn't mean, that's all I remember, I was just super pissed. And then I made it my priority to stop it. Because I was going to prove her wrong.

And so I tried, to stop. I really and honestly did, and it lessened a bit, but I couldn't stop, it just became what I can only describe as being an addiction. You have to understand that I was feeling nothing but pure depression. Like imagine the worst time in your life and you being so depressed and feeling so hopeless. I felt like that everyday from the month before 8th grade ended until around the end of December beginning of January. And I could find to make me feel better was the act of cutting myself, it was that one random break in the pitch black clouds in the sky letting a ray of sun graze my skin. I had nothing else.

And if you are thinking "Well, if you believed in God he would have been able to pull you through it." See and that's valid reasoning on your part, the only issue with that, is that I believed in God, I wasn't a hardcore catholic or anything but I believed he existed and I believed that he would help me feel better. I think I would pray if not everyday, every other day begging him to tell me what I did wrong to deserve that and to give me a sign as to how I could redeem myself. And I know that now you're thinking that's why I don't believe in a deity, but once again your assumption isn't completely valid. I have several reason to not believe in him besides my own personal experiences with what I thought was god.

So when band came along it was getting harder and harder to stop mysef from wandering down my thigh to injure myself. And once damn... what's his name... I dunno, I've changed it a million times, Thorium or Bastard, you know who I'm talking about. He saw a wandering cut of mine or he saw a trail of blood go down my leg when we were on the grid. I just remember feeling petrified. No one I was in close contact to knew. And I didn't know how he was going to react, he just told me to stop and walked on. Once again someone who I considered a good friend told me to stop. And this time I really wanted to. I was just afraid of only being shrouded by black afterwards. So I stopped cutting about a month or two later. And I was doing good, but I thought about it all the time. I would get the urge. I wanted that feeling back, but I wasn't willing to betray myself. And I concentrated on academics. Then at the end of that year once again my world fell around me, but I just got so pissed at myself. I cried my way through that entire year. And I was so sick and tired of crying about the fact other people had such an effect on me.

I decided then at the end of the year when I had to break up with my boyfriend at that time that I wouldn't shed another tear because of someone else. I couldn't too many had already fallen. It was time for change and I did. I do think I have lost a bit of myself because of that, but eh.

I cut maybe twice from January to June, I was doing pretty good and that entire summer I think I went with out, or maybe I cut a few times, I'm not sure, but it was because of my own incompetency not for any one else. I would describe my 10th grade year as a hermit. I had no real friends, just aquantices. I just didn't want to trust anyone. I couldn't, it was too much hurt I just couldn't. Around the end of said year is when me and Thorium became closer.

10th grade year could be considered a cutting year. I really made no attempt to not do it I just had lost interest in everything so it would happen every so often. No big deal really I pretty numb that year.

Then last year big drama (as you have read) and I would just cut at random times. I do particularily remember at my Christmas concert I wore this white and black dress with only straps. I was angry pissed sad and numb all in one (odd combo I know) And I grabbed my razor from my own personal (old) hiding place and I totally grabbed the blade and cut my arm, something very odd, but I didn't want to stain the dress. It stung like heck I dabbed off the initial bleeding and I walked out the door not even a minute after. My mother continued to yell at me as I reeled off the initial high. I arrived at the band hall and my mother noticed not a thing. I had a jacket with me because we couldn't wear straps or something stupid like that. I took it off inside though because it was warm in there compared to the cold outside. I sat there and played with a long cut on my arm still bright red from the cut not even 20 minuutes earlier. And no one said a word. Some noticed I could tell by how the glanced at it. I did play with fire just to prove to myself that no one gave a shit. I would keep the said arm down while I spoke only using the right arm and then I would randomly make a large expression with both hands. I did this with several people. No one said a word as I suspected I went out and the jacket was only like a half arm length, and you could see it. It was on my forearm. But no one cared, lol.

I wouldn't do it often mostly because I saw it as a major sign of weakness. But I did it once in a while. I did how ever have a frenzy the second time me and thorium stopped talking. Every time I used the word shiny in my past posts, it's code for razor or cutting my self.

Then it was like... I want it again dammit! And I've decided after watching many videos it will work its self out. And when I'm able to move on I will. I still think about it but I don't do it very often.

Cutting for me is all I have to fall back on. I hate to say it, but it's the only good thing that has been consistent through my years of high school, something i could rely on to always make me happy. I hate it. So if you think I enjoy cutting you are beyond wrong. I enjoy the feeling of relief but I am left with all the shame and disappointment in myself afterwards. I hate it, but it's not easy to stop when you have nothing to fall back on except that.

So there is my rant on that. That was pretty dark, sorry! I totally did not mean it to be so dark though, so to lighten up your mood I will leave you with this too cool for school sun

In your world!

School! Ah, not fun!

So! My schedule used to be Cal, Gov/Eco, Choir, Filler, Band, Filler, Theory.

BUT no! My district couldn't let me be! Now they are forcing me to take an Bio Lab, which is LAME. The only reason I took the class, was because I could only fit 1 period of science in! And now I've been debating whether or not to get out of Online Biology to get out of the Lab. I kinda want my free period back, I really don't need the stress that is connected to that class. This is lame.

The only thing that has stopped me from doing so is that I have a preferred person in my class that other wise I would never be in class with said person. Only thing, and the whole 50 dollar drop fee thing. Ugh! Super lame!

I'm so not stressed though! Which is shocking really. Other that my own like schedule conflicts I'm not dying in any class.

My voice is totally dead today, though. Last night I spoke loudly the entire time and my voice slowly died in the night. I could only speak so loud. I remembered around the end of the football game. Oh yeahk, I forgot to mention it was a football game XD, but yeah, I remembered that I had a region choir camp thing at 9 the following morning til 1 that afternoon. I was like, crap! So this morning I went and my voice was killing me, my range was totally shot after lunch. It was madness! lol.

And now on monday I have to do this region audition thing for the choir directors to decide whether or not we are going to region. Me personally, I don't want to go and I didn't want to do the audition. But the alternative to the audition was singing all three of our pieces for a test grade. So I was basically bullied into it! Lameness. And I have to run and do it right after school so i don't miss any of band practice that would just be really really bad.

As for band, I have no comment. It's just no. Let's not speak of that right now.

Ah! So there is this girl who is in choir that I totally need to become friends with. I will probably elaborate on that later if I do become friends with her.

Oh! Something else I think is note worthy is that all 5 guys in our homecoming court are all my friends and are all AP kids! 2 of which are in band and another who in Choir! All of them are nerds involved in more than just one thing! I thought that was effing awesome! The tides are turning! Muahahaha!

LOL! That's about it.

Oh! And ha I'm informing my bus buddies the last six weeks of this year about things I'm sure they will find shocking maybe slightly surprising. I'm mostly doing it because they've known me forever and just because I think it'll be freaking hilarious!

It's amazing how much one can ramble on about nothing :D

Forever much?

So I haven't blogged in forever, mastly because I make videos now and that is basically just like talking to a very close friend that will never judge and accept everything you say but yet somehow still gets you to think. So yeah, my thoughts on life have just been turned on its side. So I guess I'll start at the beginning (or at least what I think is the beginning)

So, before school even began I was pretty much miserable, but don't feel bad for me or anything, miserable seems to be my forte. I just didn't know what to do or what I was about. I knew what I did and how it was done, I just didn't know how to add on and make something. So once band started I basically was like thinking about self injury every single day at least an hour a day. I was just obsessed with not doing it. That I was better than that and blah blah blah. Anyways, other than being miserable I youtube searched and I found some amazing things! So many people have made me reexamine so many things in my life it's honestly crazy. Yeah, and you guys have probably figured it out but I thought I'd say it anyways. Yes, I do still cut, I don't consider myself recovered by any means. Ha, you probably don't even know what that means! It's okay I really don't mind. But yeah, I'm just not crazy, before I was obsessed with stopping and stopping cold turkey and never doing it again with absolutely no scape goat. I now see it's okay that I can't do it, that it's really difficult to stop. All that matters is that I plan to stop in the future.

Anyways, I figured out other things too, but I won't bore you anymore about those things.

Hm... I have totally dropped chemistry and science. I no longer care for the subjects, at least not right now, maybe in the future, but right now, I want to concentrate on music. I am going to double major in music composition and either performance or something else. I'm going all music. It came about after I discussed it with my band director. I asked him about this confusing audition paper and he told me about things. And he was like.. have you even written things? I was like yes... (they no longer exist though, they went away when everything crashed) and he asked me why I was thinking of that particular school (it's a hard one to get in that music school) and I was like chemistry double major, and he said that's okay but you really have to think about music and he told me of this quote thing and it's this guy who mails this famous author and asks him how he can become a great author like him and the author told him when you wake up thinking about writing that's when you'll become a great writer. And that really hit me, what do I wake up and want to do every day? And music was the first thing that hit me. I was like... epiphany much? But yes good bye chemistry hello music.

Honestly I'm terrified about it. I had a horrible day in Theory this past Friday and I literally almost burst out in tears in class after class and my moping after school (I have the class last period) and I was a mess, but yeah it's days like that I feel horrible and I don't feel worthy. Is that weird to say? I don''t feel worthy of the music world I don't feel smart I don't feel good at it. In school I feel smarter than people and I feel dumber than people but I have never felt this sensation. It's like there is no bad in the world of music outside of school. I feel like this 10 year old walking into a high school or college. I feel so small compared to the tall shady shifting bodies rushing by me. I am so just ugh. I want this, but can I do it? I hate this feeling! Like I can only feel inadequate in music, I'm not better than people I'm just worse. I always want better. Ugh. I dunno I'm scared.

What else... I have no permanent ties with anyone anything I plant is in loose topsoil so I am easily rooted away. I hate it and love it all in one. I mean it's like this. I'm glad I don't have any close friends because that'll be less hurt in the end and I can concentrate so much more on other things. The bad part is that I have no one to talk to when I have thoughts or issues or I need help on something personal. I only have the cold touch of the internet for that. Uh, total bummer. Oh well.

Ah! I ordered a belt off of this website that is awesome! If you are ever wondering what to get me, get me edgar allen poem, little edgar allen poe, or anything having to do with The Raven 'Quoth the Raven "Nevermore"' Ah, my sweet Elanore! I love it! I can't wait until I get it! It will be bigger than the size I get though, they only sell it in one size so it was lame! Either that or I bought the last one XD

Anyways, I'm done if you want to know anymore just ask I swear I don't byte! (OMG I swear I've been waiting AGES to write that! Ah! Yes! XD)

So I'll see you guys later :]

Fav Song? Fuck You :D

On Saturday I went a party at my not-so-much-an-uncle-anymore-because-his-bitch-ass-wife-is-an-idiot for their son, he is 25 and all, but he lives in Tuscon with his wife, who also came, it was a big deal when they come, so we always go. It was pretty okay. Nothing huge. It was like 7 hours of boredom, but it's okay. Not really, but there wasn't much I could do to change that. The thing that was a total downer was that, my religious-bitch-ass-aunt-that-is-separated-from-my-now-not-so-uncle is obsessed with trying to get me to get baptized. She suggested this last year when I was 16, now I'm hoping this ignoring of the subject will last until this time next year when I am going to my college (Hopefully not UT Austin, WAY too close to home). And as you guys know, I'm an Atheist but no one else in my family knows that I am. I am very respectful of their beliefs but I know they won't respect my beliefs. So I'd prefer to keep that under wraps.

Ugh, total downer on my night. I DID get to see and hold my baby nephew 9that I have no idea how he is my nephew but I don't know how family names work XD) HE IS SO EFFING ADORABLE! I swear! And he has the most beautiful warm gray eyes! He is so going to be a pretty boy!

Other than that life has been lax.

I have attempted to do nothing this week I have off, mostly because I was pissed no one told me about New York so I didn't get the chance to go. I am STILL pissed. I want to go kill someone. Seriously, super pissed.

I have done pretty much nothing. I'm pissed at a few people too. But I won't mention who they are, I am just pissed and frustrated.

So college is coming! And I've narrowed it down to 3 colleges (the list is bound to grow though). SUNY: Albany, Temple, and UT Austin.

I am excited! AH! I am going to take German, and double major and then go to Germany for a year to study abroad it is going to be AWESOME!!! BEYOND AWESOME!!! I'm excited!

So yeah, I'm really over high school. I am ready to finish and get accepted to somewhere far off away from most of the people I know. I just want to be away. I just want to learn and start my new life with people I don't even know yet!

Oooo, TMZ just started the Team Angelina; Team Jennifer fight! lol

Team Angelina XD

So I'm done, I'm bored. lol

Talk to you guys later

;)

Oh! Something I forgot to add on the blah section of that last post(which I realize I could just edit it, but, I'm choosing not to ;P

Yeah, now that I analyze my life, I'm pretty sure my depression is getting worse rather than better, so yeah. I'm going to try and make it this next year in high school and then when I attend uni O am going to go talk to someone, or at leats after AP tests(I will officially be 18 so I'm going to see what the confidentiality is for that) but then I'd have to adjust doctors, hm... I think I am just going to wait until uni to go see a doctor or who ever I have to at that point, because honestly I thought I was getting better, but in all reality it's getting worse, just the way my mind is trying to deal with it is changing. so yeah! That's all I have to say about that :)

Last Night

So I have spent these past few days just going crazy on youtube, I have lite;drally spent forever on youtube! There is this site that is helping me out with an issue I'm having or coming back or whatever and I have this thing where I have to start something from the beginning to get the entire process or idea of the people I'm reading/watching about, and it's like, wow. Taking me a while, I'm not complaining, I would probably be done by now, but I've decided to branch off and watch teh personal videos about the people themselves, blah that makes liek no sense. Mostly because I'm watching a video now, well, listening to it or whatever, and this is just something I know a lot about, at least I hope I know a lot about what's going on. So yeah,that's what's up.

I am having a very weird time right now. I won't bore you with the details though, but if I seem a bit off, you know I'm just not exactly right, right now.

I just totally erased 1500ish songs from my music library! That's awesome! I finally did it! Yay! :D
Now I can put on shuffle and not hear something stupid yay! I only have 822 songs, give or take duplicates. You know what, that's what I'm doing right now, hold on! Well, you are reading you don't know that I'm off doing something else XD well still hold on! Down to 811 now! Yay revision!

But yeah, I also cut my haor again today XD I should really stop, but it did grow again! And it was annoyingly long. I don't like it long!

But yeah, pretty much all I have to say. I know! But I don't want to bother you guys with the other stuff, I have other mediums for that, so that's all I'm saying guys.

Ciao!

Lol, so my week has been a bit eventful. My research things went over well. Weird thing was that my Economics teacher walked over to me after I spoke and presented or whatever (I went over my time by almost 20 minutes) and told me I had a great presenting voice or whatever and asked me if I was in Drama or speech or any of that crap, and I said no and he was just like oh, you did great. It was weird especially sense my mom was sitting next to me and I was in the middle of making fun of one of my friends and he cam from behind me, CREEPY! The thing I loved about the entire thing was that this annoying ass girl sat next to me and it was hilarious, because she wants to be an 'actress' or some stupid shit like that and he did not say a WORD to her after she presented and she was just looking expectantly at him when he came over to me. It made my night! That and before I left at the end he came back and told me again he was proud of me, I was like... thank you? and he didn't say SHIT to her, I loved it. hahaha

If you knew this girl you would hate her too.

So yeah, oh and guys, if you ever talk to me in person or whatever, just know the one way to piss me off is to ask me "Are you okay?" constantly. I could just shoot myself in the head. I would want to shoot you slowly and painfully. You would wish you were dead :D

Honestly it's my least favorite thing ever. If you ask me, chances are that 50 people before you asked me that question. If you're going to ask something like that, rephrase it or reword it, because I will hate you if you ask me that. Especially if you know you are just doing it to know and not do me any good. Chances that I'm going to say "Oh yeah, I'm in a major fight with my best friend, we haven't talked in days and now he's sick and I can't do or ask anything because you jack asses won't ask him and if you do ask you'll say I asked, and I can't have that not to mention I've cut like 5 times in the past few days because my mind is so skewed and I'm probably going to fail all my classes because my mind and heart aren't in it and I'm almost 100% sure I'm severely depressed but the chances of me killing myself are slim." are less than 0.

So if you really want to know make sure you're ready to hear me out, if not you're just wasting both our times.

Btw, the above example was a mixture of several separate occasions when people have asked me the dreaded "Are you okay?" question.

I admit last school year was honestly one of my lowest but still, I had about 10 people ask me in a 2 hour range if I was 'okay'. I looked like shit and I looked depressed as hell, of course I was okay! ugh *rollseyes*

So just know that fact.

C&SI board has directed me to a youtube channel that will help me right now, because my mind has been in rough times. I mean right now my parents are pretty much poor, idk how we are going to make it this time. I dunno how my dad is going to be, it sounds like he isn't getting better, and here I have to start band soon as a leader and that's a major role. I know I can do it, but it makes me nervous, because my mind has it, it's my body that probably won't produce. My knees are really crap and I know the several factors that are making it this way. It's a very stressful thing. Idk my mind wants me to revert back to my old coping mechanism, and sometimes it seems like things would be so much easier if I just gave in and started it again. Idk, I just really idk right now.

We'll see how it works out. I think if I just keep myself busy all day I can avoid it and try to get through it when I don't have anything to do.

Yup!

You know why hetero sex is so lame? 8 times out of 10 the women never gets to orgasm, but the guy will be all pissy if he doesn't cum, but then he get's bitchy about a woman being all frustrated and bitchy because she didn't orgasm. And. With homo sex, the two people want to just pleasure each other and a re generally not greedy about when they orgasm. It's a more sensual thing, kind of like the 2 out 10 that the men pleasures the woman enough so they orgasm.

That has been Elidee's Public Service for the day :D

Space Invaders

So these past few days have been interesting to say the least, let's start with Tuesday. I took the car to school, as I usually would. Everything was cool, nothing terribly interesting happened, then I went to Walgreens and I bought myself some tampons from U(which is an awesome new thing) they were on sale 3 for 10 and I would get a free movie ticket that were on special XD, and then I called my mom to see if she wanted this sour cream that was on sale for a dollar. And she told me if I was going to go home soon, and I told her yeah. She told me okay, because we needed to go to the hospital because my dad was feeling really bad. So I basically rushed home trying to keep a level head while driving, so I get home and my dad could really stand up, his lower back was just in tremendous pain.

So we eat first and then I drive to the hospital (which was the most infuriating drive EVER)we get there and my mom is super anxious about my father and then we get to the E.R. which is FULL of people, literally full. I couldn't stand it. One, I HATE hospitals I can just feel the sickness's and illness's just surround me and suffocate me, I didn't touch a THING. I drove back home 2 hours later because I had a test to study for, which I passed! awesomeness! But my dad waited there, wait for it... FOURTEEN HOURS! It was ridiculous! I'm glad I decided to come home. I drove to the hospital and back.

My dads okay, he just had a dislocated disk (whatever that means) and if the meds don't do anything, he'll need surgery to fix it. I hate hospitals.

So I slept very badly that night, because my mother insisted on me locking the front door completely with the bolt and everything. So I had to force myself to sleep lightly which I can do, I just don't sleep well, for me sleeping lightly feels like sleeping on a hard surface for 30 minutes. The next day I was DEAD.

But Stat's was fun after the test, unfortunately I was the last one to finish it, and I'm almost 100% sure I got the lowest score. Calculus was just killer, it was a bunch of problems non of us had any idea of how to do them. Then I went home and I slept. I was exhausted.

Today was cool, nothing too exciting except it was my last day of classes! Only tomorrow is left, all my research class. and then the research project night when we present. I am just going to bs my way through it and change my topic for the millionth time because my 'mentor' is a douche and I hate him :D

So that was my second half of my week. It was eh.

Metal Slug

MY AIR IS FIXED! I know it's going to break again, because I am pretty sure the issue isn't the A/C unit itself, but more the entire A/C thing. I don't know anything about it, but it's not a coincidence.

Hm... so, what have I learned since the year began.

I have learned what it truly means to be broken again and having to piece together the already broken shards. I have learned what it's like to find a friend that actually helped save me from going down a very very bad path. I'm not sure I've ever said thank you. You know who you are if you are even going to read this. Thank you for helping and ultimately saving me from what could have easily been a downward spiral.

I've also learned how to move on and what an anti-productive relationship me and Thorium had. I've learned how hard it is to let go of a friend you really really cared and loved for so we could both move on. Hardest thing I've ever had to do. He was basically like a drug lol, he was just really great like, I know he can be a douche, but only a few people get to know a different side of him and I was privileged to even get a taste of that. But it was just bad for both of us. It was my choice, he gave me that choice,, and I chose to let the close relationship we had go. And no I don't mean relationship relationship, I mean a friendship relationship.

I haven't learned the meaning of love yet. I kind of hope to not to. Because yeah love and loss. What ever. You know what I mean.

I have learned what the meaning of friendship is and how great it is.

I've learned that I've pretty much have had no experience with my friends feelings. Pretty much because my past best friends have been really stupid emotionally. Yt pretty much doesn't know what emotion is let alone let anyone else know what she is feeling even back then, dare I say it's actually gotten worse as the years have gone by. Thorium was just a hurt puppy that bit anything that got near to what he was feeling.

I have learned about what kind of life I want to lead. I have learned what I want and I'm honestly not ready to leave what I've built here, but I am ready to start a new journey, building what I want and what I will accomplish. I may not be ready now, but hopefully in a year I am going to be able to leave keeping in contact with those who want to.

So I'm willing to grow this year. I am going to grow this year, I am going to learn things to become a better person, I'm not going to perfect my personality has it's flaws, no matter how much I hate it. So ear with me, I'm trying but there are parts of being social that I haven't experienced yet, so I'm a rookie and I want to learn, I will learn, but I can only learn by making mistakes.

I know a lot of things, I know how to do a lot of things categorized as bad, I know how to do a lot of things categorized as good, but right now my social skills lean more to knowing how to do bad things, I will make the good things go up. But there's only so much I can do in a short amount of time.

I have become more responsible and more willing to help others. I want to learn, I will learn as much as possible, but I'm anti-social, so being social will be a stretch for me, so once again bear with me.

So! That's that!

I'm so bored XD

There is nothing I can do! Other than this! And Stumble.

I should really evaluate my life, but I'm one of those people that thinks immensely about things that are important to other people. I want to say the perfect thing, which is not always the best thing, I also plan my conversations ahead, so I have an outline of what I will say.

Aha, I have a lot to think about.

Take Me Under

So my life since I've last posted. A few interesting things, not too bad.

Starting with this week, because last week was pretty lame.

Monday, was TORTURE! I was so happy to be privileged to learn from Mr. Ferrito, but I was tired, and it was boring. I learned a lot that I could have figured out, but he was there to make it clear. It was like a 7:30 a.m. - 4:00/30 thing with an hour for lunch, which we ate there. I skipped class that entire day :D I was FREE from San Jac

Tuesday, pretty much the same, I was super dead but I felt that grew so much, it felt like weeks I had learned all of that and gained all that wisdom and knowledge. I still can't believe it was only 6 days ago I learned all of the things I'm applying now, well minus one, but I'll explain that later this post.

Wednesday, Statistics! And I took the car all by myself! I was BEYOND excited! Then I left early to go to Band at 11:40, I was late, but I sped as much as I could with out getting caught! rofl! It was good! I was so nervous! It's crazy! Now, if you are band people in my section at my school reading this, you really shouldn't be, because yeah, you'll think less of me and my authority, you may not consciencly but, you wil sub-consciencely. So yeah, if I were you I wouldn't read anything band related from here on out, if not it will get A LOT harder on you when you have to run for me.

Thursday! I had to go pick up a friend in my section in Pine Trails, or otherwise known as Crime Tails, it went good, I WAS going to go to San Jac, but Nah, I would miss most of class anyways, it turns out the teacher wasn't there any ways so it was all good! So I picked her up no problem! Leaving CT was teh hard part XD I ran a stop sign I swear I didn't see until I couldn't stop anymore! It was a good thing no cars were near us! So, I got pulled over XD Like I said Crime Trails, so cops run that place, and I was let off with a warning Phew! I was the nicest most naive smart person I could manage, I did everything right! I was so HAPPY and nervous! lol. Then band! That went well, then I went home, no problem.

Friday, was nothing THAT special, I didn;t have the car, not because my mother knew about me getting stopped! Which she doesn't so shhhh.... but she had errands. Band was okay, a little down. What DID bother me was Florine! I swear that girl is going to get slapped! She is the worst leader right now. "Oh I don't have to look happy all the time, I can look gloomy (attitude attitude attitude) I'm not naturally happy person, sorry (attitude) I can't be happy all the time I'm tired, I'm always tired, blah blah blah" Include like 15 rolling of th eeyes in that one sentence and yeah. I was going to slap a hoe. I probably wouldn't mind it as much if she acted like a leader! We went through 16 hours learning how to be a leader, and she is not applying ANYTHING! I tell her how to do something, and we all agreed to accept everything the other says in front of the members, and what does Florine do when I suggest say, or tell her something, she ROLLS HER GOD DAMNED EYES! EVERY DAMNED TIME! This bitch is about to not be found. I'm trying to be happy. (Pretend I'm talking about Saturday) I tell her, I have had a shit day the day before and I have a million things to worry about, but I put the section and band before my issues because I want us to be great, but she says she can't always be happy. And anyone who knows Florine knows she can be a bitch and about every other sentence she'll get all offended and close up and get a tone in her voice that makes her herself think she has all the reason in the world. I swear chick is not going to make it because Thulium can't stand it either and she has issues right now too but she is putting the band before her problems because she loves the band too much. I don't understand why the Directors put Florine in charge, she is probably the least qualified to be a leader out of the 4 people who auditioned for it. Thulium was in Stu-co, I have helped people learn how to march and I have really learned how to apply the thing Ferrito told us in the past, Steph showed leaderhsip trying out for Drum Major and in class, Florine... I can't think of one thing, she hasn't done a damned thing. Okay, so that's my spiel. I'm always going to feel like that, I'll try not to step on her toes, but if she doesn't step up, I'll be happy to do it until she learns,

I dunno, it's a really hard ordeal. I honestly don't know what to do, but I have to figure it out soon.

On the bright side! I think all the fish like me! I have tried to be very nice to them, so they like and respect me because I care about them. I think it's going well. They also like Thulium! Florine, I'm not very sure, she's a very awkward person that doesn't do well with strange and unknown. Idk. Down side! The new used air conditioner is broken! And I once again don't have A/C, it sucks! But I have school all next week! Then one at home, I'm planning on going out often! lol. I want a vacation and some fun -.- I've done too much school to not have one.

Sometimes I wonder if I could just quit band and open up so much time for me to do other things! But then I remember that all my friends are in band, and their schedule would be my schedule, and the best way to develop my musical skills along with my theory skills is to be in band, and maybe marching band will bring my grades down by like 2 points, but my senior year grades don't matter to colleges anyways, my fate is sealed, and I can no longer effect anything. The only thing that matters to me now is passing my AP exams doing kick ass at region, pulling off my incredible solo, do am awesome ensemble and learn all that I can. I also want to get all 4 and a 5 on my Theory test, because if I get anything less I will be BEYOND pissed, like, I couldn't live with myself pissed. Heh, I guess that's how you know that's what I want to with my life. It would be exactly the same if I had room for Chemistry. Well there you go. I am 100% sure I want to be a composer for sure. I want to do things with music and expand my knowledge.

Wow. So yeah.

I kind of sort of got Technetium angry at me on Thursday or Wednesday, I'm not really sure what day. But it was basically because I was frustrated and she is quitting band, and you know I love band. And I was so happy I had saved 2 people from quitting band, her and some fish in my section, and I was like yes! I feel accomplished! And then she just up and quits, and it's like. What the heck, how can you just do that? How is it even possible for you to change your mind like that. I pretty much felt like a failure. Pretty much it was like I want everyone to stay in band and feel the love for it. And Technetium talked about all these things she was going going to accomplish this upcoming year in band and now she just threw it out the window. Idk, so I just threw it out there, that she took the easy way out because it is possible to be in band an get good grades I mean the Trumpet Section leader is in the top ten. not percent I mean he's actually in the top ten people in our grade. I mean it is possible if you want good grades, it is possible, and then it's not like grades really matter at all this year, other then for rank, they really don't matter. But what ever. I haven;t exactly apologized, mostly because I don't know what to apologize for. Should it be because I said things that are actually true? I guess I hit a nerve when I said, "good luck forgetting band" and then "you took the easy way out" I guess. I mean I understand why she would be angry, but ugh. Idk, I am the perfect person to avoid problems. I was determined to think about it today, but even when I took a shower I found things to distract me from what I should do.

I really want to actually think about it, but ugh, I really suck at apologizing. No lie, not as bad as Thorium, but I really suck at it. Especially when I'm not 100% percent. Idk. I have Calculus tomorrow, so I'll be distracted enough to think about it. Since I honestly hate math lol.

Today, the Air broke, I'm pretty sure it works to some extent, they just don't want to turn it on. So I am going to slowly die on the inside this month and possibly next month! Why? Because we are cheap? Nah, it's because we don't have any money to get a new one, they spent all of out savings and stuff on the new A/C and now that's broken, and my father isn't working next week apparently his area in the factory doesn't have any work this week. So no money going to come in. Pretty much we are living on the whim that we'll some how get some money. Let's see how that works out. Really sucks when you are pretty much poor in this country. Especially in a recession, when people really don't want to higher uneducated old mexicans. Ah, this sucks, lol.

That's my report an the week! I have other posts that I wrote on some word documents, but I'm to lazy to transfer them over here. So yup! Wish me luck! hahahaha

Epiphany, nah not really, a Discovery

AH HA! They did say the patients name in House genius! At the end to enhance the personalization! Spencer! I love the writers. They are AWESOME

Thanks for the Venom

Okay, so you guys know how I've been feeling nothing wrong?
Well, I used to just think nothing was wrong, well, I'm very sure I'm just numb now. I mean, I'm not really feeling anything. For example, you guys are going to think I'm like super heartless, but my research teacher was late(like always) and we came in and we were logging in and I was setting up everything on my comp that I would use/watch, and he is a really out there person, he teaches like every subject including psychology but never really reacts in any way. So he told us that he would be walking in and out often that day because a very close friend of his was murdered the day prior and that he was emotional. And like... when he told us, everyone was like aw. And I was just like okay, I didn't say anything, it was like said he got another chicken(he harvests chickens and their eggs). I didn't really feel anything, not any remorse or anything. It was a shock, I wasn't expecting it so I didn't guard myself. It was just so weird. I knew I wasn't going to feel remorse for the guy. And I'm not heartless I swear, I cry at least once during every single movie. Comedy to Action. I cry during t.v. and everything because I feel their pain.

But now it's like... I am very intolerant of people and I've been very pms-y but for like an entire month. I am really trying to feel that happiness, but it's like what's the point? I mean things were much more interesting and I felt more(well, near the middle and then it faded again) when I was cutting and such. I mean yeah, it was self injury and yeah it's bad and all that jazz, but ugh. It's just so annoying and frustrating to be numb not feel anything! I mean, you don't feel bad for anyone you don't feel anger. It's like your life is all in a monotone.

Honestly sometime I don't know why I just don't start again. I really don't see a point in not doing it, the only down side to me at this very point and time is that it leaves a scar. Other than that, I don't see why not! It would make me feel better, it would probably juggle me out of this numbness and ugh. I swear. Yeah it was a struggle and I was horribly depressed back then but wow.

I realize how crazy I'm sounding. Your thought process is running along the lines of injury=pain pain=bad person injuring=bad me wanting to injure=bad.

Seriously I am frustrated, and it would be SO easy to just start. I've held out since hm... since the me Thorium thing, but that was like one or four, nothing that bad! And it's been like that. I've never really counted how many days I've not cut. Since I never found significance since I would always relapse after like 5 hours when I first wanted to stop and it just progressed to like a day, but then I would cut again. It was a VERY lengthy process. I never saw the point. The only reason I stopped? My friends told me to. It was hurting them to see me hurt and I hated that. I always hate that.

When I live at my own house, I want to get a kitten and I want to keep it as an inside cat and take care of it until it dies or I die, which ever is first.

Random comment but I'm doing other things as I write this so eh.

How did this all come up? Well, other than the heartless reaction, I have been kicking my soccer ball around and I just like an hour ago that from yesterday and today my foot has a lot of cuts, they are like little pin-points. I really haven't noticed it, I didn't notice it happening, but it was just like a pain I pretty much ignored or embraced I'm not really sure which. And yeah, that triggered this entire thought process. I swear if people weren't so curious about every single injury people get I would probably do it.

Stupid lame. I know. The entire cutting things runs through my mind at least once a day, I just usually don't share.

I can't believe the fucking NERVE of my father! He hasn't even been awake an HOUR, but he still GRAHH!!! UGH!

So he and my mother dropped me off at san jac on Friday, at 7 and the building where my class was doesn't open until 7a.m. and I got there like 10 minutes early. And thing guy who we'll call Z was there, so I was able to escape the car. And I talked to him until the doors opened and I made the best of it, and the kid is hilarious. He's chubby but he's my friend and I don't really care. So right now, I'm having a good time talking to my mom and my dad, but my dad destroys the mood by asking me if that guy was my boyfriend. And I was like uh, no. And he said it vaguely, so it took me a while to remember who he was talking about. I instinctively said no, since I haven't had one for a while (not that he would know or care) so I was like no, and then I remembered and then I said no again. But he gave me this ugly look, like, don't lie to me and I was fucking appalled! I swear! He thinks Z is the only type of guy I could get. I swear to this non-existent God! I feel like getting a fucking boyfriend just to rub it in his god damned face! Oh no! Better yet! I'll bring home a fucking girl! Oh that would go over nicely! Stupid bastard I swear! Fuck man! I HATE him! I fucking ABHOR HIM! He is never fucking here and he brings this shit up! The fucking bastard!

I swear! I walked out of the kitchen, I told my mom I'll be back, and she's like, the foods ready! and I'm like I don't care later. In better words but in my head I was like WTF SHUT THE HELL UP GET ME AWAY FROM THAT FUCKING MAN BEFORE I THROW THAT FUCKING HOT SHIT IN HIS FUCKING FACE! So I had to calm down! And I wasn't even fucking feeling pissed! I SWEAR! See this type of thing makes me want to cut to feel something! I'm sucking pissed beyond belief and I can't even fucking feel it!

And now I don't remember my fucking Runescape account, the 2nd one I had already made. I haven't played in years, but I stopped because of the lame graphics! But now it's better, and now I have to fucking start ALL over again. Piss shit man.

You can tell I'm pissed off because I'm cursing like a fucking pissed off pirate.

Lol, I'm calmer now. I just added a chick who I met in SAT classes. I was actually very lame in that class. But I may be nicer XD because I know I didn't remember her name XD but I have her on Facebook now, and apparently she goes to my high school and is a upcoming Junior, and we have 29 mutual friends. I was shocked XD but I didn't want to go to class the last time, so I was very bleh, oh! not to mention coming off a sugar rush dude, it was like 2 skittles packages and 2 m&m's sugar rush was an understatement I had to eat my last pack of skittles because I was starting to crash FAST

Now I just cleared out my 1029 emails email! It's down to 6 now! rofl! That took forever.

Oh god I have 359 in my other one as Coco would say 'Why?!?!'

lol, I'm done

1812 Overture

Idk what I need. I feel like I’ve lost ALL of my inspiration. I have nothing edging me on. Everything is in balance, well, minus my room. Everything is calm. There is no disturbance at all. It’s not exciting at ALL. I mean I’m glad I have my will to live back again, but honestly, that’s all I have. I need to do something crazy. I need something crazy to happen I need to express a feeling I’m not capable of.
Last year I had this private lessons teacher (she sucked) we basically had no one. But she had me play this piece that was called Offertoire. It was a French love piece. It wasn’t amazing, it was mediocre at best, but I couldn’t get it’s essential essence. I mean. It was a LOVE song, at that time I could only crank out the hateful bitter dark angry essence out of pieces. And that point I had only played those types of pieces. She asked me if I had ever been in love, and at that time I was a sophomore, and I was like… I’m a teenager, I’m pretty sure I’m not capable of true love, but I left it at a simple no. And she didn’t know how to explain what I needed to get across in the piece. That’s the only thing I’ll ever remember from that teacher. I still can’t do it. But now it’s worse I can’t even get angry confused and bitter out anymore.
Do you know how frustrating to is to an artist? I don’t know what else to call myself! A performer, a composer, and artist! You know what it’s like to have absolutely NO emotion going through your works of art? Do you that feeling?! I ABHOR that feeling!!! I WANT MY MOJO BACK!!! WHERE THE FUCK DID IT GO?! I DON’T EVEN FUCKING FEEL THE ANGER IN WHAT I’M FUCKING WRITING! I’m SO frustrated I want to cry! I feel my creative mind so numbly. It’s so alone. There is nothing I can think of that can help me. It’s like writer’s block but worse, because I have ideas, I just don’t the emotion. Not even anger!

I WANT MY INSPIRATION BACK! I don’t know if this sounds whiny or not, but I assure you I am honestly frustrated!

Eh, in other news! Me and Thorium have begun talking again! Nothing as major as before, but hey! It’s a start! I’m satisfied and happy.
Oh! And yeah, all those gay bashing jokes and all that stuff people say in fun but don’t really mean it is actually starting to bother me! It’s like bashing Mexicans it pisses me off after a while, and it’s like omg. Lol I never thought it would bug me. Or! When someone says something insulting about gay rights, and I really just want to like yell at them or tell them they are idiots and if gays were SO horrible how have you been able to deal with me!

I’ve so lost my passion. I will get it back! I swear.


I wrote this forever ago, but my internet has been in and out, so I'm just posting it now.

I Really Fucking Love You

THE PRETTY RECKLESS IS AWESOME!

You know why I love it so much? Taylor is TOTALLY channeling Cherie Curry and Joan Jett. From The Runaways if you didn't know. I like her music, well as much as I've heard so far, you see my comp is a failure.

Yeah, that's about it. I have nothing.

Oh I'm shaking. I know why. I need a rush. And yeah. That's about all have to document about that.

So yeah, a short one today (FINALLY, I know)

I'm Still Breathing

So now that I think about it (yes this dream has been haunting me a bit) I really am not as noble as I described in the dream. In real life I am not that noble. I'd like to think that in that type of situation I would be that noble, I mean Thorium always said I was an idiot when ever we stopped talking because I would always torture myself because I thought he was happy and had moved on, so I guess that's like 1% noblyish. Eh I dunno, but I'm not, I'm a bit selfish though I try not to be.

So I had another dream which included Thorium, he was helping me out. I don't know about what, or how, all I remember is him pointing a gun at me. (TO MUCH GTA IN MIND)

Mexico played today! They lost :,( but we are moving to... I think you call it the 8th's in english, but it's called octavos in spanish, so I'm not sure, it's like elimination to only 2 teams from each group move on. We lost 1:0 against Uruguay. It was a pretty good game, we just didn't have our best players out there. I hate our goalie, his name is Perez, but his nickname is Conejo(rabbit/slang for elbow) and he was doing good this game, but he's OLD he's like 34 or 35, and you hit your prime once you hit 30. Anything after that is just over kill, and we have two players like that being played. Guactemo is 37, he is just over kill. Both Guactemo and Conejo were AWESOME KICK ASS player in their prime, people looked up to them, but now, it's like your time has passed move on, leave so Ochoa and Marquez and Chucharro. They are the upcoming players minus Ochoa, but he is still young and in his prime. We are going against Argentina next, if we play ALL our good players we could possibly win. Possibly.

I just cut like an inch off my hair. That was fun lol, took a whole 10-15 minutes. I think it's semi even, I believe better than last time I cut it. You see, I only cut my hair when I'm not going to do anything with it, It's like, what do I have to look forward to in the next few months, and the answer, is marching band. My hair will not survive it XD lol. I'll play with it when it gets cold. My hair gets tameish when it gets cold, so we'll see. but my ends were SO DRY, I couldn't stand it, I didn't know why my hair was being difficult this past week, and during Economics I was totally bummed out about the Mexico game that I just started playing with my pony tail and I combed it with my fingers, and after it was combed, I noticed the ends felt super dry, so I figured it out and solved the problem before things got worse!

So yeah, my life is boring. I may or may not go to my friends party this Friday, we'll see how bitchy my mom is tomorrow. And Saturday I may or may not go watch Toy Story 3, WHICH I AM DYING TO WATCH! That will pretty much be the epitome of my week. Sad thing? It's barely Tuesday, well now Wednesday.

I took a 2 hour nap writing this, so I'm not all that sleepy. And tomorrow, I'm going to be annoyed until 6p.m. tomorrow, I have SAT and ACT prep from 4-6p.m. and my last class ends at 3-3:30 depending on how bitchy my Calculus teacher is.

I'm rambling, I realize this, but no one is awake, well, no one that is worth staying awake to talk to is awake or here. I should be doing my Stat project BUT, I need to b.s. some graphs, and I'm just not willing to do that. I WOULD skip his class tomorrow, but I'm already missing an ass load of days because of band. Actually I'm only missing one, but I might as well miss a million though.

Ugh, I have nothing else to ramble about at the moment so I'll let you poor souls go!

The End of Thoughts

Happy Father's Day all!

My fathers day was pretty lame. I spent it at home playing GTA, I finished my car vendetta. I went crazy! My second to last car was called a 'Mesa' which was basically a Jeep, and it's BEYOND rare, so you rarely find it. So I had finally found one after about 30 minutes of searching and driving around waiting. So I steal it and start driving to the Paint n' Spray to get it to mint condition then to drive it to the docks. So on the way there I graze this other car, I think nothing anything about it since I was going to fix the car anyways, but this driver goes crazy! He's what we would call an aggressive driver. So he starts following me and ramming into me and ultimately his goal was to destroy me so I get my car into the paint n' spray and he's trapped outside, but that last only a few seconds, the door opened again I ran out of the jeep in hopes of destroying the driver before he had a chance to destroy the jeep. He is calm for like 5 seconds when I get out of the car and almost run out of the garage, then this car RAMS my jeep and it flips over, and when your car (any car) flip over on it's side or back and it can't be fixed, it catches on fire. I was PISSED. I started shooting the other car and I blew him up too. I was still pissed though. I ran out I stole a motorcycle and I started going on a shooting spree, I destroyed any car that even RESEMBLED the one that destroyed my jeep. I was beyond angry. I figured out after my 20 minute rampage that the weather had to be sunny and I had to be in a certain area at a certain time to find the jeep. I finally got another one where another angry driver hit me and destroyed that car. Finally my third try (an hour later) I got it. But I took several road trips in the middle so it wasn't all waiting.

So I actually have statistics homework, that I SHOULD be doing. but it's to watch T.V. and I'm WAY to distracted to watch t.v. continuously. I really did try today! But, GTA kept distracting me. Yeah, when I get into a video game I REALLY get into it. You know that Pirates of the Caribbean online game? I got through that online game as far as I could with out paying in 3 days. It was awesome. i probably done like 2 or 1 1/2 if I didn't sleep or had my parents annoying the hell out of me. Yeah, I was SLIGHTLY obsessed. But it's okay. I rarely do it, only during break.

I feel like visiting Dysprosium at her job. i haven't seen her since... two weeks ago? Oh wow. Lol, it feels like WAY longer ago! My favorite part of us being friends? That she is always excited to see me, or at least she acts like it. Yeah. A bit pathetic but who cares? I know I don't.

Oh! Yeah, a comment on yesterdays dream I must make, yeah, I realize I didn't really say anything about the whole basically cheating thing in the dream. But honestly, what future would there have been with me. I was basically about to die on several occasions for my cause in like a 3 day span. I was not stable at all and I was always in danger, and it was one of those things that I could only do by myself. So yeah, I GUESS I felt bad, but honestly technically she was mine first. So ugh. I... umm... okay let me try and word this in a way that it will ACTUALLY make sense.

Let's start this explanation over again! So Ar had a girlfriend R, and I was always out on a dangerous mission to save the country or whatever. I think I loved Ar in said dream, like I said it was a dream and I don't exactly remember what I felt long term. I know Ar loved me in said dream, so I knew I was hurting her by always being in danger and her always waiting for me and not knowing whether or not I would come back. So wen I saw she had a girlfriend I was phased but not tremendously. I was happy she had found someone that would be stable and there for her in a way I couldn't be. I swear I'm writing a book about this if I have the time XD. Ar should be happy and her going to the happiest place in the world with a person that could always be there for her and not be a liability. Jeez that sounds way more sappy then I meant it to come out, considering it was a dream. But yeah, that's why I didn't care about the cheating. I mean it was only going to be for those few moments before I had to go back and she was leaving the next day for zeus knows how long. So yeah. I'm sure I just wanted to enjoy it for as long as I could, and I'm sure it was the same for her. I'm sure if my sub conscience is as dramatic and cliche as I believe it is if I survived the entire ordeal I would go meet Ar at Disney in an exciting and surprising way. So yeah! If you were wondering why and hadn't figured it out, considering it was kind of in my mind and I didn't give you that great of a description.

So yeah! I have my second week of school tomorrow! I really don't want to go any more! I am so bored at school, I mean yeah I'm learning or whatever but I HATE Calculus, I despise it more than Physics. And Calculus is THREE hours long with a teacher I absolutely abhor. She's a bitch.

I'm working off of my phones internet on my laptop, it's kind of weird but I don't signal any other way. I don't have internet at my house I 'share' other peoples internet, it's horrible but my mother is cheap. I'm kind of scared for my phone, it's a little hot, so I think it's starting to over heat but, eh.

Man, my hair is getting LONG! I am getting a bit aggravated by it. I have to cut it, but if I cut it it'll be short like the last time. But, I am SO not going to put up with that during band. I might just let it get long during marching band and then chop it all off for winter. Start the new year with short hair. Ugh! College, senior year, band,I can't wait to be free, but I can't imagine being away from my friends. i think I'm giving up on my Private school dreams and I'm just going to go to Penn State or some other out of state school I'm sure if I try I could get into. My grades were way under par this year. There was really nothing I could do though. I'm going to try incredibly hard this year, but I know Calculus is going to give me the hardest time. I can do english no sweat, I can do Government no problem, I have economics if I study, Stats will be a breeze, Theory will be easy, Choir will be challenging but I'll try my hardest, Band will be an adventure but I'll get through it, online Bio will be easy when I sign up for it, eventually, but Calculus will be the hardest thing I'll have. I'm beyond discouraged, I just have a negative connotation on the teacher and the subject and the material, it's just something I don't know whether or not I'll be able to endure. I really want to drop it, I'm honestly scared.

The future generally scares me, I'm afraid I screwed myself over so much that I'm not going to be able to get into any college. And even if I do get accepted, how am I supposed to pay for it? My parents are too poor to help me in anything, I'm basically going to be on my own. Why do you think I want to go so far away? Because I don't want them to see me struggling to pay for college, I don't want to see them and be so angry at them for not being able to help me in any way. That way I can just call them and tell then everything is okay and I'm doing fine and all the bills are getting paid and all. I'm really scared lol. See, I even threw in an lol to lighten up the mood.

Man, my sub conscience is so dramatic lol. All my dreams are so black or white, at least in the heat of the (night) moment it is. Sorry, I could resist, one of my friends my sophomore year used to always sing that song, just those first few words, because she never learned the rest of the song.

I'm pretty much rambling now, so just allow me to go on my word rampage.

So you know, I still get angry when I see Thorium's picture or I see him in person. Yet in my freaking dream I had a sense of calm and peace when I saw him. I mean what the hell is that. Stupid stupid. Because I had a sense of, things would be okay and go back like they were before in that one look. But in stupid real life all his pictures just scream I'VE MOVED ON GET OVER IT! I can't STAND that it's like that now! I'm mean, don't get me wrong Technetium is my best friend and we have just gotten closer, but Thorium my my original rock. He was there when all my other shit friends were off doing nothing. I would say they had their own things going on, but they didn't. There was nothing important or serious or even remotely contradicting going on. They were just being selfish fuckers. I mean, I was too but my mind was in shambles I was trapped in my old stupidity and I couldn't find a way out other than trapping myself in a rock where no one could touch me or get near me, and guess who came along and helped me out of the rock? Yup, Thorium, while the rest of my so called friends were off having fun not seeing any of the bad outside of their own little bubbles.

Now when I say 'friends' I don't mean them all, I mean the ones that love to call me one of their close friends but don't do anything to make me that, what do they know about me, hm... I'm in band, I play the flute, maybe the fact I have a half sister, maybe they'll even remember I hate her, they'll say I'm in ubms, if they even remember it, they'll say I'm tall, I'm 'crazy', I play the flute, I'm the assistant section leader, they might remember that I tried out my freshman year and fern beat me out, they'll say I like music, they might remember I want to be a composer or a chemist. They won't know that I was in a severe depression since the end of 8th grade that didn't dim down until the middle of 10th grade and moved down to a regular depression until I reached a few months before 11th grade ended, and that now I'm trying very hard to not revert back to anything I was back then. They wouldn't be able to tell you that I like both girls and boys, they wouldn't be able to tell you that I dated a guy for a week, only a few knew about that, they wouldn't know I absolutely HATED my first boyfriend and even to this day I don't know why exactly I said yes. They wouldn't be able to tell you that he kissed *gag* me when he walked me to 6th period one day and I was absolutely furious, that I had to keep on the inside. And I told him a fake reason why I was mad, they wouldn't be able to tell you that he ickily licked his lips before hand because it was a sloppy surprise kiss, I was pissed btw, they wouldn't be able to tell you I also want to study genetics and sociology and psychology and biology and biochemistry and they wouldn't be able to tell you that I actually do like Greys and I'm kind of sort of obsessed with it, but House beats out everything, I'm a sucker for doctor shows. Top 3 you might ask them? House, Grey's, Scrubs, but my 'friends' would know it. If you can't answer at least half of these, well then, you are pretty much a failure, The top 3 I'll even let you only have the first one.

Yeah, that's my rant. And I have school in like 7 hours, and I have a report I haven't don that I will do in 5 hours when my mother finds it necessary to wake me up.

All About Us

Okay, so I was going to post yesterday, BUT, I had to finish GTA San Andreas, the missions were finally getting fun and not to be a chore. But I did think about what I was going to write, before I became obsessed. I did finish the main plot! But I still have like 27 percent to go before I get it 100% done. I have become aggravated, I dedicated my time to chasing down the cars I have to export, I am on my last chalkboard! But it still takes FOREVER! So I've moved on to work on the internet.

WORLD CUP!!! Yeah! I am totally into it! I go for Inglaterra (England) and Mexico (of course) and Alemania (Germany), They are my top 3, Mexico is going to lose this next round against Uruguay. Germany let me down yesterday! England let me down completely yesterday, but at least they tied or won I can't remember. U.S.A, that was an okay game, they shocked me. I really don't remember a lot about the games, considering I only watched them at school when I was supposed to be caring about other things.

I had my research class yesterday, 7a.m. - 12p.m. it's stupid, if it weren't for the $100 bonus I would have dropped it. So I'm in the 'Other' category of the research classes. I want to do something psychological, but the teacher doesn't want me to do it. He is trying to sway my opinion to something he wants. He wants us to research what he wants to learn. I am on to him, I am sort of kind of okay at this whole psychology thing.

It kind of comes naturally to me. It's very fascinating that everyone and their momma is in this field, but there has been no progress on the mind's inner working's. I dunno. I'ma little out of it. I don't know why really. I probably need to stand up and get my blood pumping, but nah.

I was planning to start exercising this week, but then the air went out that knocked me down, then I just never started again. I really don't want to start it but once I start I really don't stop, like I hate running, I hate starting but then after like 20 seconds I enjoy it, I would probably run more if my boobs weren't so annoyingly big. I mean it's just a burden. There are means to making it less annoying but, that's just a process. I know, excuses excuses, but I'll start eventually.

So, Technetium left this week! She must have already had a myocardial infarction from all the hot asian guys all over the place! Lol. She better be having the time of her life!

Oh! So I promised you guys a description of a hot guy, let's call him Maslanka, because I could have sworn that was his last name for the LONGEST time. He's this upward bound kid I've known since 9th grade, we aren't really friends, but we know each other and talk every once in a while, especially about the cup! So all the girls were obsessed with him. I mean, he's hot. He is like 5' 7" (he said it in english class the other day) He is Hispanic, he is very tan. He is very fit and looks buff, not that ugly buff but that just right buff. He has short hair, he has brown eyes that could make you melt. He takes care of himself enough to not be a slob, but enough to not be metro. He is very intellectual so you aren't with an idiot, but he is also a jock, he plays soccer and he is aways in shape, he has short shaggy hair, which totally works for him. The only down side to him, is that he is a complete show off intellectually and a know it all. Only down side. Everything else is pretty spectacular. He's a total sensitive guy too. XD Okay, so there is my male spiel, I told you I had it in me! I just couldn't think of anyone hot. Well there is this one... nah. Later

Did that bother you? You know what I'm talking about, especially if it bothered you. I didn't put a period there! Duh! hahaha, Thulium and her boyfriend were discussing that forever ago in leadership during our lunch hour. It was the funniest thing ever and adorable!

You know what I hate? Lying. I hate lying, I'd rather not say the entire truth or avoid the question completely. I really hate it. It's one of those things that I just don't like doing. I mean, I'm a professional at lying, I can lie to your face and looking you in the eye, I don;t find it hard to do, I just hate it. I lied my out of 8th grade and all of 9th grade. I really got lost in my own lies. It's just blah. I never got caught.

Now that was a prelude to my dream last night. I woke up like... woah. That was weird. One, it was my first semi homo dream. I mean, it was weird, the person it was with was even weirder, I mean said person (we'll call her Ar [I don't think that's an element.] just for the sake of this explanation.) is attractive and all, I just don't like her, nor have I ever thought about anything about it. I have my theory about why it was her, but we'll save that for later. So. The beginning I only remember parts of it. It was greatly influenced by GTA's action. I was sneaking somewhere to go get rid of the dictator who was on a train going to his home. So I had to sneak aboard the train to attempt to kill him before i GOT THERE. I was apparently a part of a rogue group of rebels against the communist dictator. So I had no weapons on me, at all, except my brain. And this was a very long process like I'm assuming months of attempts on the dictator's life that I had a montage of attempts that I had escaped. So I was on this train and I almost get caught, but the entire train had been informed that I was there, so I had to find a hiding spot fast. So I hid next to these boxes and the outside. I struggled to hold on the entire time, afraid that my team (that was apparently on the train somewhere undercover).

I eventually was caught, and I was brought into the city of the bad. I am calling it that now, because I don't know what else to call it. It's like the entire headquarters of the dictator, it was like a castle but all indoors. And all white and hi-tech. So I somehow escape and I spend some days with my team inside the headquarters in some wing that wasn't used but near the boss. So I went to go try we are just trying to survive when we are discovered, and I am a martyr and I give myself up to give my team the ability to run away, I assume they get caught either way, and I was angry. So I am taken into this room that they were going to torture me in, this guy is asking me all these questions and I had escaped with my words the first time on the train, I don't know how. But I was the leader of the rogue group and I was being interrogated and they were about to connect me to some electric things to shock the truth out of me, I panic, but I keep my cool in my mind, and I begin to ramble what sounds like the truth, I tell them that my plans were useless and that I planned to give up and give myself up to the leader and beg my forgiveness and me and my team were willing to do anything. My team mindlessly followed me and that they weren't responsible for anything and it was all my doing.

So they completely bought it. I was that convincing, the torture people went away and the second in command said he accepted my apology and told me I would have the opportunity to apologize to the leader in person later. He also told me I had to stay in that room with other prisoners (but just like in the room not really trapped or anything) and I would be shot if i tried to escape, and that it was only a precaution, I told them I understood.

So they took us out of the a little later (like night) to go eat or go the the bathroom, I'm not very sure, I just escaped and I ran over across the hall to the rooms where my undercover team was. I saw Technetium and I was panicking because I only had so much time until I was discovered outside their room. I frantically asked her where Ar was, and she gave me this confused face, because she couldn't hear me through the door. She eventually just stood up and opened the door I ran in and I was about to tear up the entire area (it was like two rooms combined by a doorway) looking for Ar, but then I was about to go in a full sprint and she popped out of the door way and her boyfriend or ex, I don't what he was in my dream, was like a foot away from her, and he was also shocked to see me and I just stopped mid step and froze. I don't know why. Like I was shocked she was totally okay. And I tried acting all tough, and I told her while I looked at the ground and I moved the imaginary dirt (like someone said, drawing Africa on the floor "You would have died in there."

(She was in the team with me in the hallway hiding out and I believe she told me not to go and get caught to give them the opportunity to escape, because it wasn't a life I wanted them to live, she tried to go with me but I had the others stop her I told her that I was the only one that would be able to endure what ever they threw at me.)

She said "I know." and looked at me with semi watery eyes as she started walked towards me very slowly and she looked down. She looked groomed and all. I think I was surprised my entire team was able to integrate with my undercover team. But I was impressed at the same time, they had done well under my unknown training. So then Ar looked up and ran towards me and glomped(YES IT IS A WORD SPELL CHECK) me. And we just hugged for an incredibly long time, just holding on like we were afraid to let go in this dangerous place and situation (this would make an awesome movie or book) and then we were somehow in the other room next to like this entire wall window where you could see outside but the people outside only saw a wall. (I said hi-tech) and then I moved the hair out of her face and she looked up at me (she in RL is was shorter than me, but in my dream she was only slightly shorter than me, like 2-3 inches) and I kissed her, like I made the first move, which I probably would never do, I'm a complete chicken. So we only kissed for a a very short amount of time, because then her what I assumed was her girlfriend popped out of no where, and started asking something.

Then after the girl friend the two doors at the ends of the connected rooms opened and men in black and black caps opened the door and yelled something, I was totally freaking out since I wasn't even supposed to be there and I couldn't bee seen in there. But they popped in and popped back out as fast as they went in. Me still holding on to Ar, I asked her what they said, since I was too busy searching for somewhere to hide in the room where it was basically impossible. She held on to my side and she let go with her other hand and looked at her suitcase that was on her bed (which I had no noticed when we somehow got into that room) and she told me that her room (which was populated by random people I didn't know) and said that her room was going to go to Disney World in Florida and the other room where Technetium was going to Disney Land in California tomorrow. I was like, "Oh right, I'm glad you signed up" and I was thinking so you could get away from this chaos and danger. It was sponsored by the school for the smartest kids and she signed up for it. I was regretting not signing up so I could get away too, but I quickly remembered I had other responsibilities that I couldn't escape either way.

So then I held her around the waist as she did something similar and then we just started rocking slightly kind of like we were dancing but her (what I assumed) girlfriend kept nagging her about something and I tried to guide us away slyly (since apparently I'm great at it in this dream) and I attempt to kiss her again, but stupid girlfriend made Ar guarded. Stupid random girlfriend, her name was like Ronda or something like that.

And then my dream ended like that, and then I moved on to my panic about Music camp, in so many words I made it like it was after school and I forgot everything and I wasn't near anyone I knew, and it was an overnight camp thing. I was crazy and Gaby guided me through the whole dream. So many inconsistencies (OH SNAP! I spelled it right) in that dream. But you know how my dreams ended, it was the music camp one and I turned around to see who's hand was around the guy next to me, and it was Thorium next to the not so scary black guy (though I was terrified of him in the beginning) and I touched his hand, because he hadn't noticed me either (black guy was going to hug his friend which is why he swatted Thorium off of him) so I touched his hand which was inches away from me and his arm was reclined against the bar of a door. (we were all sitting against the wall). He turned around slowly and then he saw me and smiled at me, like that sleepy 'Hey' smile. And then it ended with a close up of that face.

It was weird night in all.

Now! My theory as to why I dreamed it as Ar instead of someone who I actually like. I was talking to this guy I don't like, but we have a long past together, so I tolerate him talking to me. I wouldn't tolerate anyone else like him. And I was annoyed by him in the morning. I was aggravated that he was talking to me. I stopped talking to him after a while because my research teacher finally got there. He had been texting me EVERYDAY this week and I was fed up and told him straight. I swear. I should tell him I'm a lesbian to get him away. Nah, that would NOT go over well now that I think about it. But anyways, I was annoyed by him and then he sent me 'Night' around 12 an hour or so before I fell asleep. And he likes Ar and used to go on forever about not knowing whether or not to tell her. And I think my dream was revenge. Like, HA I could get her and you couldn't. And the girlfriend had a name kind of sorta not really at all close to the guy's name. So that's MY theory. Considering this dream had SO many things I have learned about this week and hinted at things I had learned about.

I think that's all. My Stat teacher is a beast. Apparently UBMS switched the trip that was originally to new york then to the southern states is back on to new york but only the people that signed up for the southern trip could go. I found out in Calculus, and I was already frustrated at the fact I didn't know anything, then to find out that, I was close to angry tears. I didn't go to the trip for the one reason it wasn't to New York as planned. EVERY COLLEGE I WANT TO GO TO IS IN NEW YORK. I mean I feel bamboozled. I feel like betrayed by the organization. I mean wtf is that. I was incredibly pissed. I love Statistics. The teacher is fun and teaches with M&M's. It's great! I can't wait for his class again. Let's see what else. I think that's it. Oh! My English teacher is a gay black guy. I don't think he identifies as gay though. But he is is SOOO gay. My Economics teacher is a really nice old white guy, he even sounds like the nicest guy ever. My Government teacher is crazy, and my Calculus teacher is an ass hole. 'Nough said.

I think that's it for real this time XD
Bye guys!