Chocolate Workout

So there is this girl. Yes, another one, shut up. But i'm almost 90% sure she is at least somewhat gay. She is so fucking adorable and hot. Like, I think we all know by now that I am not a fan of the hot girls. Well, the typical hot girls. Like, I consider them to be the girls you would fuck in a club rough, hard, fast, and then be done with them. So, she has these big brown eyes. And man. She has these dimples. And I can barely handle it. She is like 5'4"ish and she is petite and ugh. To much adorable. Oh, btw she works at my college's cafe. I'm pretty sure she is a student here, I've just never seen her before in a non-cafe setting. So, I went to the cafe twice today. And, first she made my food in the morning. She gave me an extra long smile and passing my boat to me. So, that was a thing this morning. I mean, I've been in that cafe a million times and this time she was extra nice. I thought it was weird but i'm not one of those people who are like, OMG she smiled at me!!! She must love me!!! OMG!!!, yeah no. So, when I went a second time, this afternoon I was talking to friends before I ordered and when i got to the counter she looked at me after i ordered and I asked for my drink and when she gave me my wallet back after she scanned my ID she looked at me, with those eyes giving me a certain look. Now, I didn't look at her very long, but she handed the wallet to me and kept eye contact. Now, I'm not going to make it a big deal, because I don't know her and what she's like so it could easily be a game. But, I have to say that has not happened to me in AGES. It's been ages since I've had that contact. I'm making a big deal about it because again it's been AGES! Mostly because I stopped taking care of myself years ago, but I am going to start to care. if i stay here for thanksgiving I'm going to start working out. I'm going to start trying, because I think I'm ready for it. There is also a lot of negative news for my well being, but I'll talk about that later since I have a feeling that history is making a come back. Anyways, big chocolate eyed hot petite girl is totally my type. So are plain janes with a great personality and curves. I'm a sucker for curves and flat stomachs. Again! Until the next time I decide to blog!

Confident emotions?!

I feel like I'm bipolar or going through some really mellow manic episodes, because my blog posts are so up and down. I'm not up or down. I don't really feel anything towards school. I love it, I'm learning, I tolerate the population and the course work. I should feel a lot, but I don't. Not even anxiety. Which is good for me, for my flute playing. When I play the flute, like really play it, I get into it. It's my safe place. Playing music is when everything else that is happening in the world gets forgotten. I concentrate on the words, the emotion, the story, the notes, the technique, the past, the future, the meaning, keeping myself restrained enough to still sound good, and always trying to improve. I don't have time to think about bitch face, or that I really like a probable straight girl, or that I have no friends I would run to in case of a mental break down. I mean, I never have, but I had a choice to before. I still do, but I don't have a friend I can physically go to right now. I don't have time for that when I am performing or rehearsing. I played Syrinx the other day in studio. It was the first time I had played it in ages so I made a lot of mistakes and my mental lapses and fighting against the flute but when I was done I had conveyed my emotion. It wasn't all the emotion I could give, because that is dedicated to when I actually get perform it. The first comment was from Em- she's the other flute music major, we have a sort of bond because she was my excel leader my freshman year and I am always next to her and in classes with her, and I see her enough for us not to hate each other. She was the first to say something and she was like I can't wait until you get a new flute, because that will sound amazing once you do. Then my adviser and teacher was like, I was about to say the same, because you sounded great playing this right now, but once you have a new flute you are going to exponentially get better. Which is true because I'm playing on a student flute and it's really easy to screw things up on student flutes because you can overblow really easily and it's hard to actually sound good. I'm also excited. The next and last comment I got was from our personal synesthsia girl, and if I sound good to her I feel like it is an honor. She didn't talk about my playing, maybe she did. But she liked how confident I looked while playing. When she said that, I stopped listening. I was not expecting that. I've never been told I looked confident while playing. Granted I'm not overwhelmed this year by my solo and I like it, and I understand the story. Solos with a story are always easy to play. Solos that have 99% negative emotions are really easy for me to play. I know how to do pain. Happiness not so much. It's hard for me. I know what piece I'm going to play for my senior recital. That one for sure. I don't even know what my recital topic will be, but Syrinx will fit. I will give up any other song for that one.

Hairy crushes?

I'm giving myself 7 minutes to finish talking about my last post. I posted it in a haste last time. I am boring. I really hate it. I wasn't the most entertaining when I was younger but I had a life. I had friends. I don't have anything anymore. I don't have friends. Also, I think I'm going to give up the pursuit on Mal-. I'm not saying it's not worth it, but I was going strong and I had some hope. But I can't bother right now. I mean, things would be okay if I weren't so down with life. I mean, I can't. I wish. I do, but I'm losing hope in her being somewhat gay. However, she is totally hot. I mean I have a type. If the girl is seemingly boring looking, doesn't really dress up and is always casual and usually wears glasses, I am attracted, if she is normal weight but flat stomach, I am obsessed with flat stomachs. I am really predictable. Because I was attracted to a girl just like that earlier this semester and the other day she dressed up for our college's presidential inauguration, and I almost died. She was wearing a black fedora, a blazer with a white girly button up shirt, and a pencil skirt, and omg. She wasn't wearing pantyhose and fuck my life, she was wearing 2inch heels and her legs. Like, that was the last thing I notcied because I was like, fuck who is this girl and how have I never seen her before and I was busy being like holy fuck it's that girl, and then I saw her legs and man. It should have been illegal how hot she looked. I could barely handle it. Those legs need a license. Anyways, I feel the sae aboyt Mal- even though she never dresses up, but her in a dress. Omg, a cocktail dress. I need to stop. She was wearing a button up today and she was not wearing a tank top under it, and she left the top three buttons un buttoned enough for you to see a necklace nicely dispayled, but there was none, just chest and mayn. I was super attracted, Also, I want to cut my hair and do something with it. I know, I know, I always say that. But really this time. I just don't know what to do. But I'm determined this time around. I want a true change. I don't know how my hair will work with, but it needs a real change, maybe getting it dyed a lighter brown. One that looks brown and not black. Then, maybe some high lights, and getting my hair cut short. Like back in the day. But I think my hair would be fucked if I did. Maybe cutting it very short will help it. Idk. I'm getting random and rambling. Bye! Seriously guys, I should get into youtube I would have the best youtube titles.

2 weeks later

I don't actually feel alot. I'm not totally numb but I don't feel everything I should. Fro example, my douche Woodwind Methods teacher completely insulted my entire class of 4, well except one but that's because her entire face at this point is brown. But anyways, I was so angry, I was simmering, but I was to my breaking point. I was past my breaking point. I should have been yelling and going at that man. I've never been afraid to accuse a teacher or yell at a teacher. I just have never been to the point where I would have to attack them for being a dick. I was past that point, I should have gone off on that man and withdrawn from the course. I should have, why I didn't is a mystery to me. No it's not. It's because all my emotions are halved or significantly cut from what I would normally feel. I'm being stifled and it's killing me. I want to be sad, I want to be indifferent, I want to be afraid, I want to be hurt, I want to be happy, I want to be angry. It's causing me not to care anymore. I don't care, I don't give a fuck at all. It's coming back a bit, but I am being so unbelievably rational it's scary. I can't even. I have always dealt with thinsg by rationalizing, it's how I deal. But now I am so ridiculously rationale it's crazy. I'm losing it and I don't even have a reason. I really want to just feel something. I smoked for the first time in months yesterday. It was amazing. I felt numb. I couldn't feel my body. All I felt was a rush of numbness and nicotine. I almost didn't make it back to my dorm. To my building. I was bubbling. I was jittery. I was everything and nothing. It was almost better that cutting, but I get two in one with cutting and the pain last for a longer time. Anyways, it was amazing. But, not something I would do all the time. It's not something I cana get addicted too. Cutting and running do, because those aren't long term detriments to my body. I have cut. Did I tell you guys that? It's was a few weeks ago, probably a shit ton longer than that. I felt the rush. That amazing rush, but I didn't have my razor or anything relatively sharp, so I scraped at my arm. Over and over. It took ages to break skin. The feeling was amazing but it took forever. The sting didn't last and the blood was minimal at best. I can understand why people do that, but I could never. I mean, that's ridiculous. It takes forever and is only a in the moment thing. Not worth the scar at all. I need to buy a razor, but I know if i do I'll cut more often and I honestly can't afford to do it that much. I have to change infront of roommates I have to be all dressy for a variety of events. I cannot afford to cut. It's a bit ridiculous. Also, I'm afraid to exercise, did I tell you guys that? I'm afraid to. Back in the transition between middle and high school I got hooked on running which is was worse than being hooked on phonics. I was miserable and running was an outlet for me. I was able to run and not think about anything but the music or a little to the left and little to the right, faster, slower, I can't keep running, yes you can, you are going to keep running until you reach this distance and then we will slow down to catch your breath but not stop, then run until the next ridiculous distance.

4 weeks ago I was here and I'm here 4 weeks later, well that's not depressing at all

Reasons I haven't posted in 4 weeks? College. I mean it is fucking ridiculous how many things I have to do and how many things I am making myself do because I hate seeing my roommate ever because she is a fucking asshole bitch. But enough on Bitch Face. I haven't had time to do this. The blogging because of it. I've thought about it but I haven't had time to. There is so much to tell you guys and my future self, but I can't be bothered to remember it's 9:22 and I skipped all my classes except choir on Thursday because I was too tired to function. I am still too tired. I don't knwo why. I'm going through a depression session, so maybe it's that. I generally have no friends at the moment. I have aquantices, but no actual friends. I am in the transition to becoming friends with my friend MaL-, but more on her later. I hav- on a distracted not I just got an email from Youtube Music. What the hell is that? What? Why am I a part of that. Whatever. But, yeah, I'm not really friends with anyone. I've completely drifted from Kati-, Tar-, and Julia- because I don't know why. They all live basically next to each other and all they do is hangout and talk. I do not. I live on the otherside of the building and I was left alone from the moment I got to campus. They might be a bit butt hurt by the fact that I didn't even bother to contact them when I got home or all summer. I don't do it. I don't really like texting, it gets annoying and I just didn't want people in my life this summer. It was my time to reevaluate, and I was happy. I think it is here. I think I'm unhappy here. I think that's the issue. I think this place makes me depressed. Maybe it's because I'm not with people who are like me. Who like anime, rock music, video games, youtube, gay, technology, and things like that. I know a few people, but no one who I'm friends with. I need to make a change. I think I could be happy here. Now, what I'm going to say next is by no means an excuse for not getting new friends. It is kind of just happening and I wanted the friendship. I am friends with her group though so, it's not on purpose. There is this girl. Mal-, so man. Okay, I like her. She is a cool kid and I like her. I met her last semester she was in the environmental group I'm in here. She was studying in Costa Rica my first semester so I didn't get to know her, I think I had heard of her, but I can't quite remember. So, I thought she was cool, she spoke spanish and came to spanish conversation tab;es and we talked, she was a cool kid and she knew a bunch of people I knew, so she had to be a cool kid. Near the end of the semester I "made" her go to the zombie movie night thing the honors house had and I "forced" her to stay and watch Shuan of the Dead, because she didn't like the movie. Which I personally think is an awesome movie. But, yeah, then I walked halfway to her dorm to my dorm after she refused my offer to walk her to her dorm. we were both tired, but I was wiling. Sometime after that I figured out that I did have a crush on her. This year I didn't really come with a mind set of I am going to try and figure her out and figure out if she likes girls or if she's okay with teh gays and stuff. I was just going to be her friend and stuff. Well, that changed. The first time I talked to her this semester. I'm making this story sound like I am with Mal, I'm not. Just to clarify if you thikn this story is going to end up with us happily ever after. I talked to her and I just was like, I want/need to know, yeah? I haven't tried to find out, I'm just trying to be her friend because I am really confused and I'm leaving it up to her. But man, I don't know why I am attracted to her, but I am. We are in that stage of a friendship where you are aquaintices that know they have a lot in common and get along but you can either become friends or you take the dating route. So, normally I'd be like, oh she's a straight girl so I can live with just being friends. But I don't know. Like I've said, I get really confused by some girls. y gaydar can be off. But with Mal, I don't know. I think signs show straight but I don't know. I'm pretty sure. But I don't know, because we should have moved on. We should be just friends now. That we hang and we talk about other things other than classes and such. Maybe we are there. Maybe she moves slowly with friends. I don't know. I am so confused! And, man. We went to this dinner thing and we both got there late, of course, I got there I few minutes before her. We were there and while we listened to the panel speak she was scratching her leg and either 'accidentally' or actually accidentally brushed my leg. Other than the fact that I got EXTREMELY turned on by her just brushing past me TWICE. Did I mention that? Hence the possible 'accidentally' time may have passed really slowly in my sense of time and space and really fast for her. But it felt like she lingered when she brushed past it the first time and a little longer when her hand made a come back. I didn't want to make it awkward, or for her to see what were probably my dilated pupils at the moment(seriously like a teenage boy somethings). Mostly fear of not getting the 'look' back if I turned. She looked at me, I saw her in my periphery, but I couldn't tell if it was a look of oh god, or the 'look' not being acknowledged by me. I think we may in fact be that awkward couple that is the most awkward at flirting. Because I can't tell, and I am trying not to freak her out if she isn't even a little bit gay. I am really attracted to her though, but I cuold live with just being her friend. I'm okay with that. I dunno. Today, our friendship moved forward though. And she made the move. She saw me during the day and while I was waiting for my food and she tapped my shoulder and got me to turn all the way around. It was pretty obvious I was happy to see her, if she isn't flirting with me, which is probably, hopefully the glee on my face OMG I MISSED GLEE THIS WEEK! Sorry, anyways, hopefully she didn't notice my complete glee the moment I saw it was her, hopefully her laughing covered it up and hopefully she was confused by me completely ramming a girl with my backpack and me being like OMG sorry. Anyways. So, we made that step forward. And the whole dinner thing was also kind of like hanging out, and so yeah. It was interesting. I dunno. I don't know what is going to happen. We'll see. I hope it goes my way, but probably not. Hopefully I'm not pushing the whole I don't like you vibe. Or the I like you vibe. I don't know. It'll be an interesting weekend.

Life in General- As Always

School man! That's been a trip. It's a little rough, I feel like I never left really. Everything is so familiar but different at the same time. I have literally spent only sleeping time in my dorm. I take everything I need with me when I leave for class and I come back when my roommate is asleep. Except she is a fucking light sleeper. Like, extremely light. If I make a noise she is up. If she sees light, she's up. Which is why I spend my time in Herman. It's literally my home, I only go and sleep in my dorm. If I could avoid that too, I would. It's just not a comfortable time. I have my roommates schedules so I know when I can avoid her during the week. I have a feeling she is one of those that goes back to their dorm after every class though, so that kinda sucks. I wish I had my old floor. They were all cool, not some pretentious assholes. Seriously. I went back at 10pm and the entire floor was silent. We have quiet hours, but those start at 11. My roommate was asleep at 10. I can stay up until 5am with no trouble at all, like... I don't get it. I mean, my old floor had all athletes so they fell asleep early but our floor was still loud as fuck. My roommate was just like me though, and I LOVED that, she would stay up with me, we would smoke together and she didn't automatically hate me. Like, I mean, I haven't even done anything to her except live with her. I like the room. There is this girl Autumn Day, I don't think she has a roommate, I'm thinking maybe I could befriend her and I would be able to live with her, because she's already spoken to me and we've laughed, so I know she doesn't hate me. It's a good start. That's really all I need. And for her not fall asleep at ridiculously early hours. That too. I mean, honestly I just need a desk to be able to play on and a bed to sleep. I study and practice and entertain myself in other places. I just need to be able to relax in my room not be on edge. It sucks really. I've also had some insane urges to smoke before I get back to my dorm. Like, just sit somewhere and smoke. I would have done it yesterday but it was in teh 60s and I was wearing a tshirt and shorts. I might today. I don't want to, but I do. I'm just kind of really lonely. I spend my time in Herman. I talk to Ada, but it's not much just in passing, she has her boyfriend and her best friends and her choir buddies. I'm just her friend in passing and I'm there if all else fails her, because I am not the greatest company. Tar-, I have tried to replace out of my memory. I don't really want to have her company and my mind kind of just blocks out every words she says. It's bad in class when she's explaining things, but I've started to block her out. I don't need her awkward negativity in my life. I'd rather be alone and awkward with my roommate than have her company Kati- and Julian--, well, they are on Tara's side I'm assuming. They hang out every night from what I can tell. I don't really go over there, because that means I'd have to go to my room earlier than I'd ever want. It's just a bummer that things have worked out this way, but I'm trying to find more friends. Friends who are good, and love me for who I am and will be my rock when I need them to be and let me be their rock. A relationship like Gil and me had a couple of years ago. I mean, I'd still take a bullet for the guy. Way too much history for me to not still love him, I guess it's true that you'll always love them. It's weird. I talk to my Liz, my cousin a lot more now, just because I know she'll always love and accept me and be there when I need her. Her entire family is great. When her brother moved close to Houston, whenever he would drive down to the Valley to see his family for a weekend, he would offer my mom a ride and she would be able to go see the family she desperately misses. Her mom cosigned a loan for me this year, and Liz has always been my rock and my favorite cousin. I wasn't truly scared to come out to her. She accepted me just the same. She loved me and jokes around with me. That's what family's for I guess. I need a drink or a fag. Both would be fine with me right now. Fuck my classes tomorrow seriously. They suck. Brit Lit, Teacher to Leader, Studio, and Theory. I can live without those. On the bright side I can sleep in or I can wake up at the same time and have some me time before my class at 10 and she leaves at like 8:30-40 I'll do that. Have some me time, and TF2 time. It'll be GLORIOUS. I don't hate my roommate per say, I just don't like her attitude toward me. I need a fag.

fast typing

Okay, this has to be fast I only have a a few minutes of life left on my laptop, and I don't have any working outlets on my side of the room. I am at aschool, teh loans worked out and I am in my dorm getting ready for my 9a.m. tomorrow. My roommate has not spoken to me, I have said, hey. She's just given me the head nod taht she acknowledges my presence. We've been in the same room for over 2 hours now together, and we have not even acknowledged each other. My room placement is nice, except for the fact that I don't have working outlets, and I've already sent out a work order for it, so it's just a matter of time until they fix it. For now, I have to charge my laptop in Herman, which I'm fine with, as long as it isn't permanent. Also, my phone is the slowest hcarging thing when using my laptop as a power source, I mean jeez. I kind of want my roommate to fall asleep, so I can change and also, fall asleep. Just the way the room is arranged, our bed are next to eachother on opposite sides of the room, so the middle is only about 4ish 5 ish feet, and she can help but see me when I change, and that's just sort of awkward, especially since she is watching tv right ahead of her. It's awkward. If she falls asleep or turns off her desk light, I will have my chance. But, again, such a small space, I can't help but feel awkward, especially since it's already awkward between us. The whole not speaking thing... I'm so sorry about ypos guys but I got the 10% warning a few minutes ago saying I only had 18 minutes left. I actually have to pee, will I be judged if I leave with jeans off and come back with pajama pants. Oh BTW, my dorm building has A/C that is controlled by us! And my roommate likes it cold. Which I don't mind at all because I love it being cold, I just don't have a blanket, so shorts don't work with just sheets. I want to buy a comforter, but I have no ride to walmart. Oh shit, I just got the I will be turning off in T-minus some amout of minutes. Sorry, that's all you get out of me today. Oh, I am going to continue my fanfics as soon as I get my outlets to work.

Loans and Fanfiction

Phew! So my loan went through! I am going to be able to start school! I've never been so stressed out in my life. I was so tired all the time. I was so tense, My neck was so stiff and my shoulders were so knotted, it was insane. I mean, my shoulder muscles are still really stiff just because they haven't been able to relax in a week. Or at least since Monday. So, I'm leaving tomorrow at 8:15a.m. at least I'm supposed to. Hopefully it leaves on time. It's kind of surreal. I had my mindset ready for, I'm not going to be going to college this year, since I was having all these financial issues this past week, so it would hurt less if I believed it. So, now that I am going to college, I'm kind of not believing it, since I haven't actually thought about it. Wow, I'll be slightly heart broken to leave again. Especially since I'm on my period. And I get fucking emotional when I'm on my period now. Man, but on another note! I need to decide what to do to pass the time. I have a long transfer time and a long wait time for my ride from the airport. I need to start writing my fanfiction again, because I have new follows and favorites every week, and I just feel more and more guilty. I could do that. But I also like quiet when I write, and Chicago Midway Airport is anything but quiet. I've never been to the Columbus Airport, but we'll see what that's like. I don't know if I'll be able to write. In the event that I don't, I have to find games to play offline. Since all my games on this laptop are on Steam I have to figure out the trick to play them offline. But, idk what I'll play. I have Skyrim, but right now I'm grinding wood so I can have a huge chunk of change to buy a good horse, be able to pay off any fines if I am caught doing stealing or sneaking in and I don't want to get caught or kill them. Also, to be able to buy decent armor and weapons. Along with potions and magic. And to be able to buy skills. Since playing Oblivion 2 or 3 times in my life, I know what elements are in the basic game and I know what I want in a nutshell. I also want to make it easier for me, since it is about 15-25 times longer than Oblivion and a lot of that was just travelling and discovering by foot. I'm just not willing to spend a lot of time. All in all, Skyrim would be boring and not entertaining at the moment in an airport. Maybe I'll just Minecraft it up... I don't know, I mean I have the technic laincher too, an dI have a lot of work to do on that world, and I have a lot of building and mining to do in my regular world. Idk. We'll see. If all else fails I have my Kindle App, and I can just read.

My type? Wat?

Apparently I'm an ass person. I am so unbelievably turned on by a girl if they have a nice firm ass and it's a nice medium size. If I can grab on to it and am able to squeeze it, umf. If they are tan. Dear baby jesus some one help them. Because I will immediately picture them naked. If there is a girl with a firm ass, good curves, has a pretty face, and is tan. I am a goner. I mean, they can be white, but it's not the same. I'm still attracted, I'm just not head over heels drooling. e It's so weird knowing my type. But knowing me, I'll probably find my true love to be someone who is totally teh opposite. So weird. And if they have tattoo's and piercings. I'm done for. If it's tastefully done, of course. If it's tacky and ugly, I'm out. Instant turn off. That's soo typical for me to say, but hey. I like em that way. As long as they have at least a+ boobs I'm good. They have to be enough for me to feel and squeeze. Doesn't have to be a good squeeze, but just enough for it to be possible.

OTP frustration.

So, Pretty Little Liars. I'm frustrated. I just want to know who A is and be done with it. Like, they are not following the books at all, it is literally an alternate reality from the books. I just hope they keep the whole Emily getting pregnant thing out, because at this rate it'll probably be with Nate and that guy is just a creepy and not a good guy. He is an asshole with a God complex. He needs to go back where he came from. And Paige, wtf is up with that bitch. She is not going to be A, there will probably be a plot twist dealing with her, like she is obsessing over Emily that she wants to have her all for herself and seperate her from her friends and the world, but she isn't behind the A business. Spencer is plain pissing me off, her pretty face can only keep me off her case for so long. I mean, this whole, "the entire world is A, and we won't know for sure until we fuck up someone's life" That's getting plain old and annoying. And what happened to Lucas, that guy was shady and he just dropped off the face of the earth after Ezra was like... so... what's up? Toby has also fucked off along with Melissa, what is that shit. All while Aria is with her boyfriend and getting into business that isn't hers to be in. Spencer was trapped with a snake and Aria is off baking a cake, literally. Also, Ezra's brother and Aria, there is something that is going to happen there. I mean, why else was he introduced into the story line. Thta's not random shit. Also, Ceecee? What the fuck is up with that chick? I'm suspicious. But she would never be caught in black gloves and a shady hotel. I mean, come on, the girl couldn't live without those accessories. I've read the synopsis of the books and apparently Allison has a twin sister, as I made a wild guess at in the beginning of the season. I don't know what that's about, but we'll see. Since Emily did go bat shit crazy and see Ally last season and so did someone else, but god knows if I remember. I'm not too sure how they're going to get that one going. What about Jenna? Why are we so trusting of that bitch now? Warning Emily. She's not talking about Paige, because Paige is just a jealous chick who doesn't want people messing with her girl, like sleazy boys who think they can take the law into their own hands. Why anyone tells this guy anything is beyond me. I mean, the guys has alomst literally repeated the same thing he was told out loud in an angry manner everytime, or at least reacted to. I mean, seriously. What the fuck. Did you know, Aria was supposed to date Noel Kahn? Maybe he wasn't a sleazy dick in the books? I don't know, but that's creepy. I don't know. PPL is starting to piss me off, it needs to go somehwere and fast. In unrelated news, I am officially a complete and total Naomi and Emily fan. Like, no word can ever convince me that those two fictional characters we not meant for each other. Like, I unintentionally have so many of their encounters in the show memorized. Also, I have lines of theirs running through my mind, no matter how shitty they may be, they were just awesome in th series and I am a serious fangirl right now, so just ignore me. They way people write their love is just so fascinating and amazing. I mean, I am a huge fan of Cameron and Thirteen off of House, even if in the finale Cameron has a husband and child. They will forever be in my heart but Naomily is my OTP. I mean, come on. Naomi, like a fool, has been in love with Emily since she was 12 and then they kissed when they were 14 and then shit went down and they were brought together again at 16 in college. Now, even though Naomi became a sarcastic bitch who tried to keep everyone around her within a 10 meter radius from her and she become quite close with her politics closer due to the nature of his knowledge and that went balls up, Emily still got through every defense she had. And, Naomi let her. No matter how hard she fought it, she couldn't bring herself to do it all the way. Even when she was younger she let herself believe it was the drugs so she couldn't blame Emily for her woes because she could never hate Emily, and even thought Katie was a right bitch, Naomi could never hate Emily's sister and betray her like that. Even if she was a right cow. Emily stayed with Naomi through all the shit because she knew who Naomi really was, she knew what a good person she was. Naomi let her take her time in being herself. She didn't want to fuck up Emily's life so she took all the blame while half heartedly telling wankers that it wasn't her. So much so that Naomi fucked other guys as to not fuck with Emily's life, even if it was more for herself, part of it was protecting Emily. When Naomi finally let her guard clink a bit off she let herself feel what it would be like if they were truly together. No judgement from society or her mind. Seh let herself go into nature with Emily to see what it was like. Because waking up with Emily laying next to her a few mornings before just felt right and she needed to know. She needed to let herself know so she could finally get past it. Except she couldn't. What she felt at that lake with Emily was way more than physical. Emily got into her mind and was in her every pore, in her every thought, in her vision. She couldn't get out of there fast enough. She was suffocating and she wasn't ready. And she wouldn't be fro ages. I mean, I think I could write an entire term paper over their every interaction and their love. I mean, the ending speech itself would be a good page or two. Because, dear baby jesus that was an amazing speech. "Who wants to go first then?" Cue door opening. See Naomi. "I will." She says in a feeble voice, scared, terrified, it's her last chance. She faces Emily and looks at her red headed fireball looking at her with such anger and sadness while her sister stands a bit behind her but looking slightly relieved. "I've loved you since the first time I saw you, I think I was twelve" You can barely hear her speak, her voice is so constricted by the emotions she is experiecing. The past 5-6 years of emotion hitting her all at once, but some how giving her the will to keep going. "It took me three years to pluck up the courage to speak to you." She almost felt like sighing after letting that out, but she knew if she didn't anything but speak at that moment it would probably come out as a sob. "And I was so afraid of what I felt, you know, loving a girl-" She sounded like she was about to cry, but she had to keep going, she had to let Emily know. "-so, I learned how to become a sarcastic bitch to kind of feel normal." The tears were beginning to form in her eyes, the thought of not ever being abe to hold Emily starting to take a toll on her soul, how she spent all those years trying to fight the unstoppable force that was Emily Fitch. "I screwed guys to make it go away, but it didn't work." Because no one could ever beat you, no one ever will. "When we got together it scared the shit out of me, because you were the one person who could ruin my life." She couldn't hold in the tears that were threatening to fall from her eyes. The raw emotion she was experiencing was too much to handle but she would fight worse to try and get Emily back. "I pushed you away. I made you think things were your fault."But I'm just an asshole my love, you could never do anything wrong only I have. "But really I was just terrified of pain." If only I had known then... "I screwed that girl, Sophia, to kind of spite you for having that hold on me, and I'm a total fucking coward because I got these-" My hands were shaking so badly I could barely grab a hold of these stupid precious ticket. "-these tickets to Goa for us three months ago," I have to look at her she needs to know that it's true, she needs to see. "But I, I couldn't stand..." The sobs were wracking through my body at that point and nothing could stop them, not even God, my guilt was just washing over me once and twice over again. "I didn't want to be a slave to the way I feel about you, can you understand?" I don't care who is the room at this point it is just me and Emily, it will always just be me and Emily. "You were trying to punish me back and it's horrible. It's so horrible, because... I'd die for you." Every time. "I love you. I love you so much, and it's killing me." Please do something because I don't think I will survive any longer without knowing. And then, she kissed me. I could feel her shaking under me, I could taste the tears spilling from her eyes, but I could only barely contain my happiness as she conveyed every once of love she contained into that kiss. That kiss was a promise that things would be okay, that we were okay. That we were Naomi and Emily and nothing could and will never keep us apart. We spent the rest of the night living as free souls with our friends in Freddie's shack. Cook fucked off a little while before, probably off thinking or scoring some more grass. I couldn't be bothered really, as much as I loved the fucker, tonight was only about me and Emily. We laughed and drank and smiled the night through. Nothing could ruin this moment. Not even Katie's half disgusted, half delighted glances. As unsettling as it was.

So, I realized what one of the changes I made is. I have become more responsible. I'm more of an adult. I don't react emotionally anymore. I mean, if I'm on my period I will probably cry and get angry and stuffs. It is very weird. I feel older and more responsible. I'm way more confident in myself. I hold myself better and I react in a more professional way. it's really weird So, I sent in a loan application and I'm waiting for it to get approved. Crossing my fingers, if not I'm fucked, I'll have to pay 697 straight up. And when I get paid on Thursday, my last day at work, I'm only going to have maybe a max of 500. That's being generous with my paycheck. I don't think I can get anyone to give me 200 dollars. And even if I do I'll be fucked for school books and shit and I will still have to find a cosigner to pay the rest of it off because there is no way in hell that I can get another 700 dollars for the next payment. I'm really worried actually. I'm a bit fucked if shit goes tits up, or if it doesn't go through in time. I'm really just crossing my fingers.

Emotional Conscience

I just spent the last 6 hours reading a fanfiction that was ridiculously long. And half way through I realized that it wasn't a finished story. I couldn't let it go though, I was already hooked. Then I realized it was last updated late last month, so I thought I was fucked. As I started nearing the end I saw that the author was talking about there only being a few chapters left, so I thought the auhtor just forgot to make the story "completed". I start reading the last chapter and it is enormous. I regain my hopes and dreams that this story is actually completed. I am literally bawling my eyes out as I am finishing the story. I am helpless by the last paragraph and I can't stand it. And lo and behold. There is ONE, yes, ONE more chapter left. The author said 2 weeks max. It's been three. I am a bloody mess and the author only has ONE chapter left. The author said most of the last chapter was already written. I am so sad. I can't even be angry because I just want to cry. The entire story was a freaking roller coaster of feelings and the ending might as well killed me. I have become quite a sucker for romance and love and all that shit. Needless to say I think I have become a hopeless romantic. Holy fuck is it frustrating. That and now I am more accostummed to sayign things like "birds" and "arse" and "fanny" and "mate" and stuff like that. I also say bro a lot. It's a bit frustrating. But it's just what my mind has read over and over again that it is natural now. Kinda lame. I'm a lot more confident now. Legitimately confident, not just acting until I believe it, which I used to do a lot. I really feel like a baby in the sense that everything is new to me again and I need to learn how to do everything again, when it comes to emotions. I feel like a have a clean slate. Like, I get hot under the collar and I start sweating when I do something questionable. I've never done that. Ever. I would never have any obvious physical symptoms of lying or doing something questionable. I was always a convincing liar and I could steal things with out batting an eye. It's kind of frustrating, but I don't know if it's something I really want to get again. I don't knwo if I want that skill set readily available to me. It's a lesser of two evils moment. I just don't know which one would be the lesser evil in a non-literal sense, because obviously stealing and lying is frowned upon, but those skills sometimes are needed. I don't know. I haven't decided. I'll see when I start school. Like, If I do go with lying, I will go all out and get back to the skill level of like expert not master, but expert. I don't want to just be novice, because there's no point it's all or nothing. I'm just kind of scared. We'll see I guess, because it does get annoying, me and my stupid conscience.

Fucking Financial Ants

So ants have decided to invade my house. And they started in my room. And it wasn;t bad at first, and then all of a sudden they ambushed me. Now they have spread. They are constantly biting me and it sucks. It started getting bad when I found out that my mom did not qualify for the PLUS loan. So, I got an extra 4,000 in financial aid, but I needed about 7,500. I have been in contact with teh financial aid office and I tried contacting student account offices since they sent me an email telling me they will lock me out of teh school if I don't pay my bill. I am hoping I can up my federal loans to be able to cover the other 3340. I could technically do payments with my 2,000 work study. But I need teh extra money. I have been thinking about this for the past 3-4 days. I have felt sick to my stomach, I have cried a lot, I have almost thrown up, and I have almost cried at work. I may have cried while driving home when I found out I didn't get the PLUS loan and I needed 3,000 more. When my parents credit is in teh shitter. I am so distraught and it doesn't help that all teh offices I need to contact suck at communication. It hurts. I also need to contact campus police to get a ride from the airport. I am doing okay on money and I may actually be able to buy my books, but when I get to school I'm pretty sure I'm going to have to fix my schedule. Because I got that stupid c-. Then I have to tell Lindsey that I have absolutely no money for my flute. I am so fucked. So fucked. I may even go to the counseling services. I am not dealing well with actual emotions. I half miss not feeling everything. Because I don't know what actual feelings feel like anymore. It's like being sober your entire life and then all of a sudden becoming an alcoholic over night. I don't know if I'm feeling everything very strongly or it's just because it's been like 5 years since I last felt a full range of emotions. I can't even right now. I want to just go to school and have no issues. That probably will never happen. How about I win a huge lottery. Like I could do with like 500,000 for my education and help my parents. I just wish it could go back to the days when my family didn't have money problems. Back when we could actually buy things of luxury. Now we are barely scratching by and I need 3340 for school. I just can't right now. I am feeling such an intense sadness that my mind keeps trying to cope with it in the ways I used to deal with it. My thoughts have flashed to cutting, starving, crying all day long, moping, ignoring the problem completely and hope that things work out, and dying. But that's not who I am any more. I don't avoid problems. I've contacted all the offices, although I haven't been aggressive. It's progress though. I don't need to cut and I need to take action not just mope. I need to be responsible. This summer has done me very well for my mental state. I feel like after all this shit is taken care of I'll be able to take on teh world. I am determined to go to school and be the person who I really am. Not just some shell of a lost depressed soul. I will do well.

Dreams and Reality

Okay, A quick post before I go to bed because I have work tomorrow. One, I love this Laptop to freaking death. Two, I've been busy as hell. Three, Today was my first day of fun in a few days maybe even a week. Four, I sort of miss posting one here, because it gives me an excuse to use this awesome keyboard of awesome. Five. I've never been so happy to play video games again. Six, I think I had a dream where I got 200 FPS on Minecraft. Seven, I took a nap the other day after I got home from work, and I think I dreamt about meeting someone. Maybe. Or killing people. It's really a toss up. Eight, last night I dreamed about being in this decatholon of sorts which focuses primarily on physical abilities and basically you have to be first in order to survive. I've had hundreds of dreams about it. using different skills. I think it's my self conscience telling me what life skills and things I need to gain next. I don't remember my other dreams, I just know they existed in my conscience at some time. But, this dream, was about me getting to a certain obstacle that was about matching things and figuring out the riddle using these gruesome and disturbing photos and videos being projected in a large movie theater type thing. On two movie theater sized screens palced relatively next to eachother but being broadcast to two different section. So, I run down there with every intention on figuring them out and leaving before most of the crowd, because I got a late start and then a bad start, so I needed to catch up. I ended up sitting in a middleish row not knowing exactly what to do. But the the dream sort of shifted and I was listening to some douche talk, or at least I was supposed to. This chick sat down next to me. Someone, a girl I've only seen and spoken to once and it was only a quick comment. So, I think we started talking, and it quickly turned into flirting which quickly turned into seeing if she was interested which was a test of whether or not she would hold my hand and interlace her fingers with mine. She was a very touchy feely person so she was already touching my hand and such. And after a bit she did, and I knew I was in. So, quickly it ended up with her inviting me to some event I was already going to attend, but I didn;'t let her know that. Then she turned to talk to her parents who were engrossed in the speaker and missed the entire interaction. But, it turns out the event was going to be after I left for Ohio. And then the grin reality of, I'm living in two different states and there is no way I can develop a good relationship with me always moving and being unstable. Moral fo the story. My dreams confirmed my reality

Seriously Fucked Up Society

I have a few things to talk about today, but unfortunately I am extremely tired and about a few minutes away from falling asleep on my keyboard, so things are going to be a bit short on things I could go on for ages. So, I have a new laptop thanks to my friend Miguel. It's a bad ass laptop that I can't get enough of at the moment. Thank god I had the day off, because I've bee on it all day, even if most of it has been sorting out my random shit and getting it in an orderly fashion on this laptop. The speed is amazing and I really love the keyboard size. Perfect for my long fingers. All in all I love it. I'm not looking forward to working anymore. I'm so over it. I'm starting to get attached and I'm getting tired of the tedious activities. How someone could have such a monotonous life is a mystery to me. I get paid tomorrow though. Unfortunately I work all night. So no getting it into my account until Friday, if I feel like it, because teh bank is so out of my way and I don't feel comfortable depositing my check at a random ATM. Okay, this next part is going to be a speed write so I can get my thoughts out of my head and on th erecord, but I am not going to revise at all because I am way too sleepy but I refuse to forget what I'm thinking about right now. So, I'm finding it alot easier to say things like, wife and kids and talking about a future with a wife. Which is a huge steo for me in 2 ways. One, I've neever actually imagined my future with anyone, to have a future with anyone, or just a future, I would never envision things like that. It was all a black tunnel. Even now I don't have a dream future in my mind, I can just see that there is a future with me in it now. So, that's a huge step, two is the fact that I can actually imagine myself getting married to a women. We all have seen that I have been terrified of beinga lesbian and all the radical life altering things that would cause and stuff. Well, it hasn't been too huge, except the fact that I'm happier than I've been in 6ish years and I haven't imploded. So, I'm evolving as a person by not being a stupid idiot. Even though I had reasoning towards my feelings, even if it was stupid. Damn society shaping my every thought process, pisses me off. I don't know what obedience of the corpses doesn't bother others but it pisses me off beyond belief that I can't have a thought that isn't affected by the morals and rules laid out by society. We are literally being brainwashed and people seem to be A OKAY with it. Fucking idiots. I can't even imagine what a world might be like where we were all allowed to be ourselves and only shun things that cause harm to others. Man, what kind of awesome utopia would that be. Butm yeah. I find mysefl saying wife with ease now. I've never said it without ease. I always thought that I'd have to force it out, but it rolls of my tongue perfectly. My future wife. Man, is she going to be spoiled by my ridiculous antics. However, I see it in other people when I say it, that they are like... what... It's not a thought that they've had. Not a word they've processed being associated being with another woman. It's fascinating, and pisses me off that we are conditioned by our brainwashers, that way. Seriously how it doesn't bother you I don't know. Maybe you haevn't noticed, I mean, I only started noticing after I learned about real reasonings behind history throughout time and especially all the hidden truths about the US's creation and past. Then I started noticing political view points and how they were affected by their upbruinging their jobs, areas, etc. Then I realized that we have all been brainwashed to believe and think certain things, and if you think or act differently, you are immediately shunned. We live in a society that neglects those who are different and stifles those who can strive. Seriously.

Faraway Crazy

Man, so I really make absolutely no effort to speak to my friends. I am such a dick. I think about it a lot. Considering my work is really mind numbingly repetitive. I think about a lot of things. Nothing to intensive since I tend to speak about the things on my mind. It's probably why my social skills suck. My mind wanders on my stance in the world and what I believe and what I want in the world and how some people are dicks, and why they are dicks, what made them dicks, what people do. I try not to dwell on the personal lives of people, because working at blockbuster you get attached to certain customers. I know I have my favorites that I'm getting attached to. And if you haven't noticed, I don't like getting attached to people. It's my natural instinct now to not let people in. Whether it was because I didn't want the rejection after telling them I was gay, or because I knew I was flaky and I would never speak to them when I was living in a completely different state. Maybe Gil and Karen broke me for friendships. Maybe Kristine was the last strand. I don't know. I do know that I don't trust people. The closest I've come to actually making an actual friend that I am willing to let inside in Katie. And I love Katie's family to bits. Even if they are a bit on the conservative side of things. I mean, Julianne would have been a good candidate if it weren't for her being so closed off and innocent, and then getting a boyfriend. That put a stop to that. Adaline also a good candidate. I mean she knows me pretty well on a different level because we know each other in a way that not a lot of people can relate to, or maybe they choose not to, but we have a connection on a different level. I'm sure that if we had met under different circumstances we would have been close friends, but the stars were not aligned in that way. Anyways, other than destroying the spelling of my friend's name, I am determined that my sophomore year of college will be a shit ton better. I don't have unrealistic expectations anymore, I think they are a bit more grounded, and more importantly, I am willing to let myself know people. Cool people are hiding on campus, I just have to find them first. Also, I'm determined to not lie about being gay. I am determined to just go with the flow. Unlike when my coworker asked me if I was. I failed that test, but it was because I don't know if it's appropriate for the work place. I mean, I won't feel awkward. But others might. I know 2 of my coworkers will be okay with it, hell maybe even three, but the others are a toss up. I just need to keep a steady job and I'd rather stay ignorant about the stances on anything homosexual that my coworkers have. Otherwise I will have a rage inside of me every time I hear them speak. So, I discovered I have a shit ton of patience because my entire mindset at work is a happy place, if not I wouldn't get through the day. It helps that my mind is an internal iPod. I know, however, that my patience runs really thin when it comes to people making ignorant and misinformed comments about homosexuals and homosexual issues. Also, when it comes to the environment and hispanics, poor people, and any liberal position I stand on. Which is almost everything. I have a sense of humor and I find humor in jokes about things like that, but sometime it's all I can do to keep myself quiet. Which is why I have this blog, because people get tired of my political and liberal rants. I was about to say I don't do that a lot, but it would be a huge ass lie. It all probably makes no sense but the time I type it out, because either I'm thinking as I type and I type like a n00b so my mind's words get ahead of me before hand. Also, I tend to think about every single possibility and my mind can't wrap itself around every situation that flickers through my mind. Which is why I suck at Leadership. I immediately conjur up every single situation that a certain leadership style would fail. I do it non-stop really. It gets annoying. Especially since my life's goal is to figure out what went wrong in Goforth's leadership style. I really hate it sometimes. I do it with everything except math. Because that would literally drive me insane. The basic concepts drive me mad by themselves. OFF TOPIC. I have no idea as to why anyone would ever even look at these blog posts. I mean seriously. My last blog post was named, Beautiful Girls and Maracas. I feel that should put anyone reading this, off. I guess, it's interesting to read ramblings from someone who has an overactive and underactive imagination. Because, seriously... beautiful girls in a festival in a maracas band. And it wasn't like a few of them. This was like a 20+ person thing. I mean. Seriously. It was legit. Enough of my crazy ramblings that I never bother to revise. In all honesty I don't even know how I started this blog post.

Beautiful Girls and Maracas.

I think my voice is getting deeper. I mean, I, like almost everyone else on this planet, have a different inflection for every situation, even if it isn't intentional. Like, when I talk to people I'm comfortable with, I don't actually use my voice that much. I don't know if it's because I think that I don't need to fool them with fake inflections, or because I don't need to prove to them that what I'm saying is worth it, but I get growly when I speak to people I'm comfortable with, just having a casual conversation. Like... you know when you let your voice die off but you haven't finished your word of phrase yet but it's not worth it to pick up your voice's pitch, so you finish off your statement while sounding like you growled a bit? I do that a lot. I think it annoys some people, like they think I don't think the conversation is worth the energy. I just do it naturally. Or when I'm unwilling to do something but I'm forced to anyways. It happens. But, before I lost my voice, I had a nice lower register. Like, I could hit some nice tenor notes. But, after I lost my voice, my range decreased insanely and as I fought to get it back, it moved more up than it did down. So much so I went into soprano 2 land. And I was an Alto 2. Over the past year I've been trying to regain that range, because I've felt a bit inadequate as an Alto 2 not being able to get as low as some of them. But, since I started smoking a bit more often, I think I'm getting it back. I can sing songs all the way through now, that I haven;t been able to in a long time. And I mean, all the way as in I don't have to go up the octave on places because I can't hit those low notes. It's so satisfying feeling your entire chest cavity vibrate from hitting notes with such a broad sound waves. It's extremely satisfying. It's like holding a cat that is purring ferociously against your chest. It feels like that but instead of it going from the outside in, it goes from your inside to out. Sorry. I am probably making no sense right now. But, it feels amazing getting my low range back. Especially since it's the register I prefer to speak in. Though for work and loud situations I have to up my pitch a bit. Since low notes don't carry very far and get distorted quickly if not sent out at a loud and strong enough wave. Anyways!!! I had this dream last night that I just remembered! I woke up thinking about it. It was so weird. I don't know where the fuck I was, but it was a mix between a warehouse and school looking building with hallways and railings. I was in some city in Europe because the architecture was way too amazing and the atmosphere was way more amazing than anything the US has to offer. So I was just chilling against a wall with a buddy of mine who was kinda like Gil. We were just hanging talking and absorbing the peace inside the warehouse building on the second floor (it had an open center so you could see down to the first floor) Our bodies were facing the main double doors, but our eyes were closed and out heads were facing upwards as we leaned back against the wall. It was amazing and adventurouss like we were just waiting for something amazing and exciting to happen to us and we were just preparing ourselves for this adventure to come. And sure enough it happened. I think we knew there was going to be a festival that day, which is probably why we were spending that beautiful afternoon in the enpty warehouse building, instead of in some park in the sun. There was a stream of attractive women coming in the building with their flying ribbons and maracas and falshy uniforms that were kinda like liatards. I was smitten immidiately. And so was my friend. We charmed our way into staying and hanging out with them. I taught them a few things about maracas as I realized in my dream that I actually do have a bunch of information tucked into the back of my brain about things I learned in percussion methods. We had a fag or two and then they decided they wanted to go shopping and explore. So of course we went to Walmart or an equivalent to walmart, because we could mess around there and no one would catch us fucking shit up and running around. Probablly the only reeason we went with them is because they were so cool and liked us and thought we were charming, otherwise we would have never let ourselves be played around with and dressed up in ridiculous things. It was amazing fun though. We hung out, some of them flirted with me. I might have snogged one of them, I can't really remember. The dream itself was a whirlwind of events that were happening. I remember them having to leave and being unhappy about it and then me walking tgo my actual home and then one of them actually ending up at my home. Coming after me. But, I don't really remember the rest. It was a whirlwind and I waas just shocked that I was bold enough to flirt and charm my way into staying in what ended up being their maracas band hq for the day. Then having an amazing day. Mostly the beautiful girls and maracas part really distracted me. Hahahaha. Funnily enough, no one in my dream actually is part of my life. Maybe it's foreshadowing for some amazing adventures to come. Considering I really want to just adventure and have amazing and stupid experiences while I'm young. But, maracas man. My knowledge blew some of their minds.

Honey Badger Love.

So, as many of you know, I'm not really a romantic. I've never had a reason to believe in love. To me love was just functional. It wasn't really a feeling. Now, before I continue, don't freak out, I'm not in love. I don't even like anyone right now. So, this is not coming from someone who is drowning in the ecstasy of love. Love was just this thing that was part of life. Like being friends with people. Love was pain. And love was just being content with life. It was what made an equilibrium. As far as I was concerned you were living less than your potential if you weren't in love. I wasn't like other people who thought of it as blasting off to planet Saturn and disappearing romantically to the stars (calm down, it's just a metaphor. I know the consequences of leaving the safety of the earth's atmosphere) I used to think that love was experienced by everyone because everyone reached that equilibrium, and if they didn't it was just cruel of our creator. Hence another reason for not believing that we really had a creator because it's painfully obvious that not everyone gets to realize true love. Now... because of reading stories by a woman pen named Hyperfitched, I have a forever changed sense of what love is. I think I have become a hopeless romantic. I can't even be mad at her. I probably will be later. Now... I'm not lying when I say that my personality when it comes to my approach to life is the same as the fictional character of Naomi from Skins UK. I really hate to admit it, but I'm really cynical in my outlook of life. I'm sarcastic in my comments when I'm with people I'm comfortable with. Also, I'm almost 100% sure I would react the same way as she did. You know what, scratch that. I will most likely react the same way she did to love. Except I won't have the freak out about the prospect of being gay. I've already set sail to that ship. I'm just hoping the person I fall so unbearably in love with will be patient with me. Because I'm going to be a damn mess. I will be scared shitless if love really is falling fast and hard for someone and having all these feelings but then being reduced to nothing but quick simple short thoughts. That will scare me shitless. Feeling that much will scare me shitless. Feeling anything at all will probably scare me shitless. I've lived the past 5 to 6 years of my life feeling nothing but pain and barely unfer the equilibrium. My entire aging and developing as a person was shrouded by denial, anger, and such an intense sadness that it ruled my every thought. So, if the concept of "happy" scared me into another round of a stasis where I was in numb, and took me a few months to snap myself out of that. I'm really scared to see what feeling love will be like. That's just a disaster waiting to happen. Holy fuck... I'm genuinly scared now. I've never really thought about it that way. Shit... I'm scared. Well... Fuck.

Off my rocker.

Why is it that when I'm having all these wonderful insightful thoughts, I'm fucking tired as shit and lacking the mental finesse to actually write anything down. I could do it now, but it would all get jumbled, like usual, and make no sense. Like a drunk of their tits and high as a kite person trying to explain the meaning of life to you.

Finding a Lost Passion

I feel weird yeah? It's the good kind though. I am actually content. Everything is okay right now in my mind. I'm stable and calm. I'm happy. It's kind of weird. I see a stable future ahead of me for my sophomore year of college. Man, that's freaky. But I'm ready. I used to dread it, the restrictions it held and my lack of focus on the world. I didn't know who I was anymore. I left high school expecting college to finally be the wrecking ball that would destroy the wall preventing me from experiencing. It wasn't obviously. It just led to me losing myself and trying to find myself again. I went more into my Chris "Fuck it" mentality because that worked for me. People judged and I could just say fuck it. People didn't like me fuck them and it. I was doing badly or I was afraid to do something, fuck it. I'm still more or less there. But it'a different now. It's now a, fuck it I'm going to do this and rock their worlds. If they still hate me, well fuck them because they know their life was just changed. I'm still scared, but I have more adrenaline coursing through my veins. I know who I am now. I know my essence and no one can rock me anymore. I am rooted to the ground with such an intense connection between my core and my reality. You can question me all you want but I can answer your questions just as fast as you can throw them at me. I'm not ashamed of what I like or who I am anymore. I understand myself even more. My flaws and my strengths. I don't know when it happened but I know I realized it earlier today. I have been struggling with the last piece of my being for about the last month now. Everything else had been sorted in my mind except this last part. Did I really love music? Was it enough for me to consider a career in it? Was it enough to get me through my fears of being inadequate? It was the scariest piece of them all. It was the one that would determine my future. The one to determine my path. The one to determine what I was going to define myself as. You could imagine my trepidation. I didn't want to go through the depths of my mind and discover that I had been lying to myself and prove someone I loathe correct. I needed to have this question answered so I no longer was afraid. This would shape me. No matter if the question was yes or no, my future would be forever changed. If you've followed me long enough, you know I don't believe in fate and destiny and all that shit. No matter what label you put on it, I don't find it to be true. I believe that we shape our future. That we are all connected through our decisions. I sort of precise synchronized swimming event. Even the slightest movement would change the entirety of your route. Like a linear line on a plane. No matter how slight the slope, eventually it would meet a certain area. Every action has a reaction. Things I believe in that. So, this would determine my path. It was terrifying, but I finally let my trepidation go and I allowed my thoughts and my body experience music again. Remember that Passionless music post? That was teh beginning of my discovery. The beginning of my journey. It feels like I've made this decision in haste, but it's like love. Love in the sense that it was described in the way HyperFitched described it in her story "I Hold A Force I Can't Contain" The story is amazing and I'm reading the other half of it right now. But the first half was mind blowing. I spent two or three days going through it. It was 185k words. It took up my life. While I needed a break from the real world. The way she described love was so pure and beautiful. I don't think I could do it justice by simply describing it, but it's the best I can do. I recommend you read the story. Especially if you love the couple of Emily and Naomi from Skins, but that love isn't necessary to read the story. No prior knowledge is needed either. It just adds a larger love for the couple. Love in that story is intense and painful to those who are afraid. Those who are afraid to let it engulf your being. Love is such a huge wave of emotions that can't fully be experienced if you hide and sheild yourself from them. Because no matter what you do, they will just over ppower you and drag you to your eternal happiness. It's terrifying though, to allow yourself to feel it. It's explosive and dangerous and so intense. It's such an intensity that it will disintegrate all who stand in it's way including you if you don't stop being so afraid. Once you let go of your fear, you ride on top of that wave watching all your enemies disappear. It's such an experience that it's like you and your love are two burning suns just going at it until you both burst creating an enormous amount of energy. Love is all the good and light in the world all designed just to fit you and allow you to be the best you can be. I used to defend myself against invisible doubters. I used to defend myself against my mind. I used to tell it to fuck off and that of course I loved music. WHat kind of question was that. Of course I wanted it in the rest of my life. As if I would go through all the trouble of going through the process. I was scared off my mind. What if I fought for my right to be at college in a totally different state studying music and it turned out it really was just a silly dream of mine. A dream that was hollow on the inside. Just another act of rebellion. I couldn't face that in school when I was being questioned constantly. By myself and by my so called friends and my professors. I would not have been able to take it. I try and act all calm and collected and as if nothing ever actually affects me. But it all does. It all hurts and it is always in the recedes of my mind. That's why I usually end up blowing up and being so worried that things just go to shit. I usually had Gil on my side. He was my strength even though he didn't know it. But he is just so damn likable that he makes friends so easily and he was able to find a brilliant group of friends that he can be himself around and go batshit crazy. So, I couldn't go to him. Why worry him with problems thousands of miles away? I couldn't be that selfish. I had no rock anymore. I was left to try and be strong by myself. That never works. By the point I need a rock I am so gone that I'm just floating in an empty abyss. So there I was trying to find out if I still loved music. There was nothing holding me back. I had no expectations for myself I just needed the truth. I needed the truth so I could be strong. For the first time in my life I needed to be strong. I ended up sitting in my bed on my moms laptop listening to monstercat 007 and I closed my eyes and I just listened. I heard the depths of the music. I heard everything and I started conducting. I got into the music. I experienced the music. I let it flow through me. I experimented to see if it was just the song or the artist or if it was just good music that compelled me. I tried it with the one song that would prove it to me. Irish Tune from a County Derry. The most pure song I had ever had the privilege to play with a group and listen to. I felt free. I smiled but moved on with what I was doing originally. Then I went to take a shower and I was listening to them again and I started conducting and I enjoyed it I let it course through my veins, I let it wash me. I let the musics emotions flow through me. I felt the beat in my being and I experienced it. It was so freeing. I was doing what I loved. It was intense. I have my answer now and now I am essentially Elidee. I know who I am. I know my quirks. There is still so much to me left for me to discover. But I'm not afraid anymore. I'm ready for the world. I'm ready for that asshole Marshall to question my every move and judge my every decision. Because I am confident now. I'm not scared to do things. I'm excited to learn. I also figured out my last small question. Why I loathed Marshall as a teacher so much. I hated that he talked about this love for music and what he taught, but he never showed it. I never felt it. He was expecting me to show a love for a topic he, himself didn't show a love for. I didn't feel it. I didn't feel the passion. I know I love something because I feel it in my core, it radiates heat and power. I feel that when I hear others talk about things they love. Things they are passionate about. It bothered the fuck out of me to the point that I loathed him for basically lying. I knew he was, because I could feel the intensity when he talked and taught us something he was passionate about. I felt it in my core, co much so that it became my belief also, if not only for that moment. Even when he taught us about his own instrument (percussion) I didn't feel the fun. I felt like I was sitting in a lecture hall with 300 other kids listening to a professor that hated his life and his profession and loathed the subject he was babbling on and on about. I felt like he was a professor that could give less than a fuck about what he was saying. Sometimes he would have fun and get excited, but mostly he just acted like he was reading from a text book. It drives me insane. I know what it is now. And I have a semester to gain faith again. Faith that he maybe does still give a damn about the subject. He cares about the kids sure. But not the subject and to me that is all that matters. I've had plenty of teachers care about the kids but I wouldn't learn anything and their care didn't give me anything for my future. I don't give a fuck if he likes me, I've had an entire 7 years of my life where all my teachers loved my entire being. I don't need that love anymore. I'm a big kid now. I just need him to give me a reason to care about the subject and information that will help me in the future that is realistic and now from a text book. I need to know that I'm not wasting my time on a subject, I've spent enough of my life on useless things.

Passionless Music

I really should be getting ready for work, but instead I'm reading a fanific on and off while obssessing over music. Not in the way where you gush over a band or a song, but rather the sound. I'm sure yo've experienced this feeling before. When you're listening to a song through your headphones or eaar buds and you just want more. You feel the passion of the song just sitting there bellow the surface just screaming to come out, but instead the music sound almost monotone compared to what you could hear. The potenetial is just sitting there and you want to scream because you want to experience it so much it hurts. Like, when you listen to Rolling in the Deep or Someone Like You by Adele you feel the passion. Whether you like her music or style or not, you can feel it. It soaks you in her despair and anger and love and sadness and strength. You feel it, you aren't left wanting more. You're satisfied with the emotion and listening to something more calm jusst seems mundane. It's like experiecning "Oh Danny Boy" also known as "Irish Tune from a County Derry" The song itself is beauty reincarnated into music. But when you listen to a band (yeas band not orchestra, because it was made for the specific band sound) play it right. When everyone just clicks it is like the Gods were delievering the music straight to you. You are ruined for anything less after that. Feeling that chemistry and that song and the passion it almost hurts. I want that from music. Breathe Me by Sia, you feel her pain. She laid herself out there to the world and it paid off. That song is a major trigger for a lot of people because of that. Because they relate to the pain conveyed through her. It's not the words it's how she says them how she arranges her diction. What she does with her voice. Just like in Jupiter by Gustav Holst, you feel the Joy in that song. The playful banter between instrument groups, where they intertwine and cause chaos. It's like you can't decide whether to sit there and enjoy the music or get up and let it rip through your body. You know, that's why I want to be a band director. I want to be responsible for sharing great music with kids and showing them music with great passion written all over it and showin them that they can do it too. They can be apart of the beauty that was written and meant to be shared with the performer and the audience. It kills me when I listen to a song and the background music or the background is just there so the singer or the star isn't alone, it's an after thought rather tahn enhancing the experience. It so frustrating. I'm just like TURN UP THE DAMNM PERCUSSION SECTION! GIVE ME AN AGOGIC ACCCENT EVERY NOW AND THEN! It's painful that they coul dhave done so much, but they didn't. I din't know who "they" are but they need to step up their game. I've listened to bands that were not that great talent wise, but they gave their passion. When you hav ethe talent but just refuse to allow the passion to show that's when you are worse than the talentless. So frustrating. I want to feel something when I listen to music. I want to be moved. Stupid industry.

Skins and Distractions

Man, I've really wanted to start writing again, yeah? This always happens when I'm reading fanfic everyday. Including my word choice. Considering I'm a Harry Potter and Skins UK fan I get the british vocabulary. Then all the terrible bristol slang. It's not terrible, it's just slang, yeah. And slang is not a good thing to ever carry around. Like fucking adding yeah to the end of things. That's a skins thing. AT least that's where I picked it up. I also am starting to involuntarily include words like 'slag' and 'fit' and 'bird' in my vocabulary. slag=slut fit=hot bird=girlfriend or girl you are interested in I'm sure there is a shit ton of things that are getting in my mind, since I read them all the time and I can't choose to ignore the words or their word choice. But yeah, back on topic. I feel like writing. I shouldn't, because I get into it. I'm extremely sensitive in that way. Juts like when I watch a movie I get overly invested in the plot and I feel for the characters and I feel their pain and extreme happiness and all of those emotions. I tend to cry at the end of movies. Fucking pixar movies have killed me. Disney movies always make me cry, the legit movies. I fucking bawl during those, there is no controlling it. It's like someone blew up the hoover dam. Anyways. The point is that any type of media makes me cry if there is a strong enough emotion to evoke it. I've cried listening to music before. Legit instrumental. "Married" from Up dear jesus. That song was the death of me. I cried a lot after watching that movie and then listening to the life sequence music. That was portrait music mayn. Anyways. I feel like writing, but I write like angsty love shiz. Because that's what I read. I go for romance now a days. Angsty not so much anymore, but i write it. I'm only slightly masochistic now. But yeah, when I get into writer mode I really get into the story because I want to convey a true emotion and something that would seem more or less realistic but slightly romanticized. But the feeling sticks with me. When I write a particularly painful scene where the character is emotionally drained I am "Your dad is a stupid tosser JJ." That has to be one of my favorite lines in Skins 2nd gen. Sorry, off topic but I just started watching it again. Also, James Fitch is fucking amazing. Love it. BACK ON TOPIC! I swear man, I'm really all over the place lately. Or my entire life. Usually I can control my distractedness. Yes. I feel like writing a fanfic. But I am too mentally tired at the end of the day. I pretend to be all nice and smiley and shit at work and even jaded with the rude asshole customers. Including resisting the urge to slap the shit out of the lying cunt bags who say they can't play a dvd or blu ray and expect the credit. Stupid people in the world looking to con their way to happiness. After all of that I can't really handle the pain of writing, but I kind of want to anyways. A bit fucked yeah? I kinda hate working. A lot. It's a total waste of time dealing with people all the time with all their issues and dealing with other people's mistakes. It's really annoying. But, I guess it's for money. On the bright side it's for money. So I get that. I can't handle it sometimes, just thinking about money. All the time. The fact that it's the only thing motivating me really bothers me. Fucking capitalistic society. Johnny White in Skins, also one of my fav characters. It's ridiculously funny. Anyways. I have to say I'm speaking nonsense now. I'm really tired and distracted. Moral of the story, I want to write fanfic but I'm a sensitive gal when it comes to media and I get distracted really easily. Yup. I also love Skins. Talk to you guys later.

Internet Explorer sucks, Naomi?

I was looking at my blog stats a few seconds ago because I broke 3,000 blog views today on this particular blog. It's pretty cool. I mean, I obviously don't do this for the views since this is literally just me ranting about my life. Nothing special about it. Anyways, I was looking at the stats and dear god. What are some of you guys DOING! I think the percentage was 51% of people who have viewed my blog were using Internet Explorer. What? Guys, guys... GUYS! There are bigger and better things out there for you. IE should be your last resort browser. Seriously. For a casual internet user Chrome is the way to go, if you love all the extra toolbar crap from IE, Firefox can give you that toolbar fix at a much more efficient speed. At this day and age it's really not acceptable for someone to wait so long for their browser to function. I'm not talking about Internet connection, I'm talking just the damned window opening on your computer and being available to use. I mean, IE has been trying to reform and get better and I haven't set up IE so that it won't annoy me every time I need it because a virus attacked my other browser or some idiot decided the demographic of their website hits were IE users and refused to format it with Chrome or Firefox. Seriously web designers and developers and/or whoever else deals with that stuff, don't be dicks. Let the people use your website on at least firefox. Only IE is really just cruel and unusual punishment. Anyways, so if you're reading this RIGHT NOW and you are using Internet Explorer or you are a Mozilla Firefox user and you've never tried Chrome, go download Chrome. I'll even do you a favor I'll link you www.google.com/chrome BAM! No excuses, just copy and paste. I'd link it link it but my mother's laptop cannot handle running VLC, Chrome, and microsoft word. "It's too much, it can't handle it" As my friend Katie would put it. So... I haven't actually spoken to ANYONE from Marietta in the past 2 months. I've had a few conversations with Katie, but that's about it and even then she started them. It's not that I don't want to speak to them, it's just in the summer and thinking about Marietta it's usually about money. And the topic of money always just makes my entire being hurt. It's like my heart drops every time I think about what I have left to pay before I can go back. It seriously makes me want to cry. I don't because crying over money just sort of means the system has beaten me. So, none of that. I'll be okay next Thursday. I'll have my check of maybe $300 at least. I did the math after I worked 22 hours in two days. I can't remember though. But with those $300 I can pay to get my PLUS loan again. Then I'll check my marietta page and see what I need to pay and do that, then get my plane ticket, then call the school to see if they can pick me up from the airport and how much that will cost and how I'll pay it. I will ask Cheyenne how she did it last year too, that'll help. But I can't do any of that right now when I have no money. I will just end up breaking down if I imagine it all when I only have $1 in my account right now. At least it's not in the negatives any more. But this means I have no funds for an instrument. At all. I'm going to look into like a rent to buy system once I have a job up in Marietta. hopefully I will have the spanish conversation tables and maybe I'll sell my soul and life to do the phone a thon where I just bother alumni for money. You know. I realize that this entire ordeal is going to some how teach me some lesson about money and worth and shit, but honestly all I am learning right now is that my thoughts about money have always been true. It's not worth it and money is evil and it brings out the worst in people. And it's never done me any favors. It has brought me nothing but pain and agony and I'm sure my life will continue this way until I have a steady income and I learn how to read stocks and invest in them for the most profit on my part. At this point it's the only thing I see getting me through the insane debt I'm going to have when I get out of college. I mean I can hope to get a job at a high end private school and get paid a shit ton of money, but my heart won't be in it. I want to work in a public school with under priviledged kids. Even if I can't spell the word correctly and even if I am too lazy to spell check it. Maybe something great will happen in my life and I'll gain a good income from something else I love to do along with teaching. Lottery maybe? I don't know. I hate talking about money on here because that just ends up in me sounding all sulky and rage-y. But I refuse to talk to anyone about it in person. It just makes me feel helpless, all my friends in Marietta have a good thing going when it comes to money because of their parents having good jobs. And here it just makes me feel a bit helpless. Like I haven't seen or spoken to my friends in the longest and I'm just going to talk to them about my money problems especially when a lot of them want me to go to school some where down here. Then I think about that. Coming to school down here. I would like to ideally go to UNT. But there are so many possible issues with that. For example, music education students with a concentration in Band need to take I believe 3 semesters of marching band. And I have none. At all. That's an extra year or 2 I would have to stay in college. Granted, I could probably get that minor in whatever I wanted in that time since I would have most if not all of my music classes over with along with gen eds. Since UNT is also a liberal arts school. I'm going to have to do a lot of research into it. I'm probably going to audition and submit my application to them, but I am really going to have to think it over. I also have to get my GPA up to a 3.0 if I'm going to get them to take me seriously. Higher than that ideally. But there's only so much I can do withj a 2.3 almost 4 GPA. I know I fucked that up. I think about it a lot when I'm npt busying myself with other things or distracting myself. Like in teh shower when you get all deep and philosophical. It's funny, because a lot of people I have convinced that I don't give a damn about school and my grades and assignments. I do actually. I care a little too much. I laugh a lot when I read Naomily (Naomi and Emily from Skins UK) fanfictions because the premise is usually Naomi realizing she has feelings for Emily, stepping into that territory and either immediately running away because she's afraid about what she feels or later on there is some problem that occurs with Emily straining the relationship between the two and Naomi running because she loves Emily too much and it scares her how much Emily makes her feel and she is afraid of her heart being broken because it will probably break her as a person at that point and she can't handle that pressure. I laugh, because that's me. It's so pathetic but that's me to a tee. It's never happened to me in a relationship because I haven't let myself get into anything like that in years. But there's reason for me doing it. I mean they are terrible reasons in retrospect since there are plenty of people who grow stronger from things like that. The first I remember was small and it only affected me slightly, but it started the movement. My 2nd grade teacher was flipping amazing. I can't even describe how many doors she opened for me and all the things I learned and that have shaped me into who I am now. But, she left the school forever when my class finished the year. I haven't seen or heard from her since that summer. I was slightly devastated but I understood why, but she was the first teacher I ever actually showed my personality and I wasn't just the ideal quiet child because I was afraid if I was myself I would be rejected and get in trouble for being myself. (Understanding my reluctance for accepting a lot of things about myself now, aren't you readers. It's a deep seeded fear) After her, my grandfather died two years later, or maybe a year and a half later from that point. That was a mind fuck though I didn't realize it until later when I didn't see him. You know the story by now. But he was the one person who I felt loved me unconditionally. I mean, my parents loved me but they are my parents and they are required to love me due to brain stuff. But my grandfather had a choice to not like me. Just like every other adult in my life. But he loved me. He always showed me that when he would do these little things for me and not my other cousins when we visited him. The way he looked and talked to and about me was just pure love. It was not really something I experienced from family over here since my "grandmother" on my fathers side and his entire family are a bunch of douche bags. I never felt that from them. But anyways. That broke me. I was broken beyond repair. His death broke my heart. It broke my will, it broke my essential being. I didn't even know who I was at the end of my grief. I couldn't go through that again, yeah? My brain went into self preservation mode. So I had 3 shallow, meaningless relationships when I was getting over the grieving. Of course there was Rubie, but I was so encased in bubble wrap at that point and time in my life that I didn't even notice the obvious. That was the first real reason I run away when something begins to me the world to me. I can't handle the heart break or rejection. The next heart break was the first time Gil and I broke our friendship. Man, that was seriously like a knife just stabbing my heart and then moving the knife around when it was still imbedded in me. He was the first person I let in after, I think Logan and we all know how great that turned out. Let's just say, I'm glad 8th grade ended when it did. I was so heart broken that I was just numb. And the only thing I felt were just dull pangs in my heart when ever Gil was mentioned or when something reminded me of Gil or anything surrounding Gil. That was just, I don't know. That broke me. I was done with letting anyone in at that point. I think Karen was my best friend at that point and she helped me through that and her and Twin set it up so Gil and I would talk again. I could have killed them when I first found out, but it worked out, yeah? Man. I think I bad mouthed Twin some in this blog. Hopefully she never read that stuff, her or Karen. Yeesh. But yeah, I was done. After Karen became a douche after Japan, I was really done. The next person I let in was Miguel. And I just created a situation that I knew would cause issues in which I would be able to push him away and I wouldn't get hurt and he would hate me rather than risk him hurting me. We all know how that worked out. I mean, it worked, but I felt like well shit after that. It just wasn't broken. I laugh when I think about those who don't think I care about college. I care a little too much. Because I deflect and I push it all away. Because I will be devastated if I'm not up to par. I am fucking terrified that I will commit myself completely into it and that I won't be able to do it. Essentially that I will fail. So I push it away. I runaway from it. I create situations in which I will fail something or only do something half assed, because I know that it wasn't my best and I got exactly what I expected. It's fucked up right? I'm just like Naomi. Except she did it to the love of her life, and I'm doing it to my career. I don't know if this falls under the same category as being afraid to fail or if it would be considered something more since I am afraid of the pain. It's such a shit excuse. I know that, because I've read at least 10-20 Naomily stories that run under the same premises and I think Naomi is an idiot because there is no way Emily would break her heart. She would rather die. But I can sympathize because that's me in a nutshell. I'm such a cliche. In this same sense I'm scared of letting anyone in my life anymore and I'm scared of starting a relationship. I doubt I'll find anyone to start a relationship in Marietta, considering I go to school and live in two drastically different locations. I also have psychoanalyzed why I suck at interacting with people in Marietta. Because I was basically a closeted lesbian. I didn't announce my sexual orientation to anyone but I played the straight girl. So, I didn't know how to interact with girls because I prematurely didn't want them to think I was hitting on them or anything. I didn't want to make them feel uncomfortable. Though, they had no idea. I didn't know how to interact with guys, because I was supposed to like them or be attracted to them, but I'm basically one of the guys, except I only like soccer a lot and I watch X games, track and field, and gymnastics recreationally. But I digress. It's not so much I'm afraid of them finding out I'm gay and they'll react badly. It's that I don't want to find out that people I thought were worth knowing are actually total homophobic douche bags. That's the part I don't like. Anyways. This has turned out longer than I wanted it to be! So the moral of the story? Internet Explorer is the lame hipster of the browser group and Chrome is the new kid with the awesome IDGAF style. And we found out that I am Naomi in a nutshell.

Work

So, literally I feel like I've lived through at least 2 weeks in the past 3-4 days. Sunday was literally the worst. I went to work at I think 1p.m. or 11a.m. I don't even know when I started work on Sunday it was that long. I worked 2 shifts, I was doing a favor for my MOD because shit was too crazy for only 2 people to work the shift. On a FUCKING SUNDAY! Are adults really so irresponsible now a days that they go to fucking blockbuster at 10p.m. to rent a fucking movie due in 24hours when they have work the next day. Fucking assholes. I mean, I sat down twice. It was like 2 minutes in like a 10 minute span to smoke with my two co workers, separately because the moment we finally had no one in the store to take a break at 10:20p.m. and people decided to start swarming the store again. So, we did it 2 at a time so we would be safe. and because we really needed a talking break to just be bros. It was SUCKY. So many people, so much running movies. My feet didn't even know what blood was anymore. Now, it wouldn't have been as bad if it weren't for the fact that I had to work on Monday too. SO, I went in later at 2p.m. and I was only supposed to work until 9p.m., but my store manager was going to be short one and was going to be working alone so she asked me to stay and I did. Man. It hurt. I couldn't even stop my face from frowning. It just hurt so much. I had a permanent scowl on my face when I wasn't dealing with people because it was all my mind could do to try and get over the matter that my feet were no longer cooperating with me. All in all. I worked 22 hours in 48 hours. I'm happy for the hours more specifically the money. I get paid 7.80/hr so I'll have a lump sum of money from just. I worked today too, and that was fun. I finally worked a morning shift and I didn't stay over time, nor was it at all crazy. It was a nice change. But the morning shift on Monday and the closing time on Monday felt like days apart. I couldn't even remember what happen in the afternoon. It was so insane and I have another month to go. I really like this whole, being naive to the entire register thing because it's less nerve wracking when it comes to voiding things and giving people credit and dealing with problem customers. Because I don't. I've gotten a few bad ones, mostly over the phone. I'm cool and polite to them, but I'm not comfortable enough with the rules and regulations of blockbuster to feel completely at ease while dealing with a problem customer. I'm such a n00b that it is annoying to me that I have to keep asking for help. I dunno. I'm just tired all the time and I got the better schedule out of me and the other guy, who apparently no one likes because he is a sucky employee. He apaparently picked up the phone at blockbuster and said "hello?" instead of the ever annoying, Thanks for calling Blockbuster where the best in movies meets the best on tv with blockster and DISH, how may I help you?" And it was the District Manager, so she was pissed, so she called our store manager afterwards who then called the MOD who then proceeded to talk to the guy. It was a scandal. So far I haven't done anything bad. I've accidentally lied to several people just because I didn't know that I didn't know how to do specific things. Also, people suck at talking on the phone. They WHISPER into their receiver, and I'm just like the douche who is like, could you repeat that? Because you're talking like you're hiding from a fucking murderer. So, yeah... Oh! Yeah, I have the better schedule. I work MWFSun. And the other guy works TTHSat. So I get more hours, and plus my manager likes me better. I don''t have beef with anyone, unless they hate me and my constant asking for help on things I still don't quite get. I mean, I just do my job yeah? I run movies efficiently, I don't take a thousand breaks like the other guy and I am friendly enough. I try and work hard and tehy appreciate that. I'm not looking forward to working a Friday, I'll be helping close, so it'll be long until the end. On the bright side, I hardly eat because I don't get hungry unless I eat something, so I usually don't eat breakfast and I go to work and then get something afterwards, or if I work the night shift I just get home take a shower and eat like a yogurt. I mean, it's probably not the healthiest, but the last week of college really expanded my stomach size and it's been difficult to coax it to going back down since I wouldn't feel full. So now with this half starvation thing my stomach is overcompensating and making my stomach size smaller. Which will help me eat normal portions and not still feel hungry. I mean, I don't feel sick or anything. It's just a regular day of my life, I feel dehydrated sometimes, but that's just what happens when you talk, walk, and carry things all day. It's not physically exerting, it's just never sitting down that's the issue. I mean, we literally never sit down, the only chairs in our store are the ones in the storage room and the bean bags for the kids to watch a movie in the kids section while the parents look for movies. We sit on the floor outside when we or they smoke. Which reminds me. I don't condone smoking, but if you ever are like, what the hell, try everything once, smoke a menthol. specifically camel menthols. I literally feel nothing smoking those. When I smoke I like the smoke part of it. It's a nice feeling. Which is why I prefer no filters. The two people I smoked with on Sunday had two types, one was a menthol smoker the other was a normal smoker. I smoke with normal first, and it was Marbolo and I don't really like the tobacco taste of their cigarettes. But it was something, especially after that day. And then I went outside with menthol girl and I literally felt nothing. If it weren't for the heat of the burning I would have thought I was just breathing after having a mint like 5 minutes ago. So, if you don't want to choke, Menthols. I prefer the hardcore cigarettes. The filterless. Specifically parliments because they are so smooth and "clean". Like you can taste the tobacco in a marbolo and camel non menthol. But, not a parliment. It's nice and smooth and just smoke. It's beautiful really. But terrible for you since there is no filter. Which is why I don't smoke often. Unfortunately I don't have my daily dose of caffeine and sugar in one any more. So, I don't have anything but smoking to take the edge off. So, next pay period that's what I'm buying. A beautiful pack of Parliments. One day I won't talk about smoking but, it's just what my co workers do ALL the time. They are addicted to smoking for sure. And I don't blame them in the line of work they are in. Some customers are just asses, and they have some tough personal things. But they get through it. Anyways, I'm watching The Proposal and it is just as hilarious the 3rd time you watch it as it was the 1st time.